Have I mentioned that I’m having a baby? Because suddenly as I enter the third trimester I’m reaching the “oh shit” moment in my pregnancy.  What having two other children teaches you is that having a baby is like inviting a nuclear bomb to explode into your life. It doesn’t get easier or smoother it just gets exponentially more challenging. So now as I stare down the barrel of this new baby’s arrival I can’t believe I thought this was a good idea. My anxiety level has reached epic proportions and outside of planning my own wedding this is the only time I can remember having panic attacks.

If you’ve never had a panic attack let me enlighten you on the feeling.  First, your heart starts racing for apparently no reason at all. Then, you feel as if you can’t breathe.  This is quickly followed by the emotional reaction of wanting to run away. On top of this I can’t sleep (which is why I’m writing this at 5 in the morning).  It would be easy to blame all of this on the baby but there is so much more to this picture. Let’s take a walk down memory lane and review how I ended up in this situation:

1.) Two weeks before this semester started in August I lost my nanny and quickly had to make the decision to put Max in preschool. This put me in the position of having had both kids home to both kids in school and with it the cascade of parties, homework, fund-raisers, etc that I never saw coming.

2.) Ten days before the beginning of class I was given a new textbook to use.  A textbook I had never seen before and would now need to write an entirely new syllabus around.  A textbook that I would later realize had little to no actual content in it and put me in a position of having to be constantly re-writing my syllabus, schedule and homework assignments.

3.) I lost the benefit of having a part-time nanny at home who could help with things like laundry and dishes. Instead I gained the additional responsibilities of homework time with the kids, and making sure uniforms were cleaned on time and packing lunches.

4.) Being pregnant I lost my ability to grade late into the evening because of my sheer physical exhaustion and so I quickly fell behind in grading.

5.) A student population this semester who seemed to need more hand-holding, more care, more time, more tutoring, etc, etc

6.) I’M HAVING A BABY!

Oh, and if that wasn’t enough, as I slide into finals week we put a bid on a new house which was accepted.  That is right, we’re moving over the holidays (well, as soon as we sell our house).  And we all know what the holidays entail; presents and cards and cookie making and an avalanche of school projects and parties for the kids.

And at night, as I collapse into bed the drama really begins. My sleep is plagued with vivid pregnancy dreams of early labor, forgetting my lecture notes or even worse, forgetting my baby.  The dreams are merely nighttime symptoms of the anxiety I feel during the day.  The dreams fade and I’m left tired and awake at 3:00 in the morning after only 5 hours of sleep.  I complain to my doctor who tells me I’m doing too much. But how do you scale back life? And it is not as if I can ask for help. I mean, it is not as if somebody can come in and do my kids’ homework assignments, or take them to the eye doctor for me, or schedule Max’s tonsillectomy or pack my house.

I’m drowning — in responsibilities, in fear, in anxiety, in excitement, in anticipation, in life.