The most important thing you need to know about my sister-in-law is that her name is also Beth.

Saturday afternoon the men-folk left the campsite to go buy wood for the fire. The children gleefully played around the campsite. Beth and I sat around the fire chatting lightly about our kids, households, family, etc. All Beth said was “Oh!” as the raccoon sauntered up out of the woods into our campsite. I calmly picked up any food and shoved it into the car and Beth positioned herself between the raccoon and the kids. He was a cute and calm little thing. He made himself at home, climbing onto the cooler, sniffing around the tents and looking at us as if we were old friends. Honestly, I think he half expected me to pet him, hand him a bowl of food and show him where the bathroom was.

As it became clear that he was not going to leave and that soon the kids were going to discover that he was visiting, we decided to lock the kids in the car. At this point the 4 girls and 1 boy began screaming for “Daddy”. Now, I was offended by this. Although Beth and I may not be the “outdoors” types we completely had the situation under control. The raccoon wasn’t angry, threatening or destroying anything in the camp. The kids were safe. The campfire was burning brightly and Beth and I had armed ourselves with the only weapons we had – the large forks that we used to grill hot dogs. Things were FINE.

The raccoon still wouldn’t leave. We tried throwing rocks at it but it just seemed to think it was food. When we tried to chase it, it just sat there looking at us in anticipation that we might pet it. Eventually, I began to wave my arms like a large Pterodactyl wearing a red sweater and screaming, “I’M A LARGE SCARY CREATURE! RUN AWAY!” It might not have been sophisticated but it got the job done. The raccoon, recognizing that I obviously was a rabid human, fled the campsite.

When the men did return, the kids starting screaming “DADDY’S HOME! DADDY’S HOME!” as if salvation had arrived right there in Oklahoma. Apparently my children have no confidence in their mother’s ability to manage small woodland creatures.