David and I have been talking about painting our bedroom. I picked up some paint samples the other day and taped them to our wall. This morning David awoke and said “you may consider those paint chips but I consider them little windows into a future that will never be.” And that is why I married him.

I’m not a crafter. Some women sew, knit, cross-stitch, scrapbook – I’m bad to mediocre at almost all of these things. I just don’t have the patience or the fundamental artistic knowledge to make any of these things work for me. However, this does not prevent me from trying and my closets are littered with failed craft projects. I have paint from when I tried to stencil. I have fleece scraps from when I tried to make my own winter mittens. I have knitting needles, cross-stitch packets, and an entire 5 drawer filing system of scrapbook supplies. My most recent project was my own reusable grocery bags. I kept thinking that how difficult could this be? Seriously, how much effort could it take to personalize some tote bags?

Bag #1 came out cute and I was buoyed by my success.

I continued with a more recycle-friendly theme and proceeded to make bag #2:

There is a problem with bag #2 but I didn’t catch it and perhaps if I had I wouldn’t have gotten all arrogant and made bag #3:

Yeah, I can’t wait to hear the peels of laughter from David when he gets home from work tonight.

I have always prided myself on having an excellent sense of direction, especially for being a girl. Not to play into stereotypes, but most women don’t know North from South and I do. However, there is one place where all women can navigate with confidence and that is THE MALL.

I firmly believe that if you placed a woman in a mall that she had never visited before, that within a matter of 20 minutes she could tell you where almost any store is located and within an hour where all the bathrooms are. Men, however, are incapable of even finding the Macy’s in a mall after visiting it countless times. To this day when David and I approach our local mall he asks “now, where is Dillards?” as if they might have moved it from the last time we were there. How is this possible? Seriously, it is a GIANT box with a LARGE sign that says “DILLARDS” how can you not know where it is?

This is a woman’s super power. David might ask me “where is the Gap?” and without pause I answer “upstairs, on the right, across from Talbot’s”. C’mon, give me a hard one. “Where is the Bose store?” Oh, you insult me “downstairs, across from the ice arena and the kiosk that sells hermit crabs”. I don’t know why a woman might be incapable of driving across town without getting lost but can instantly know every location within a mall. Perhaps it is carried on the X chromosome, perhaps it is part of our brain function that men lack. All I know is that men cannot find anything in a mall and a woman could buy three birthday presents, return two items in less than 45 minutes and never retrace her steps. Now, if we could only use this skill to improve mankind.

When I was little my mother refused to let us watch “Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood”. As we got older she explained that she found it patronizing and annoying. At the time I thought she was being a rather large curmudgeon, BUT then I had my own children.

Up until this point I have prevented my children from being exposed to such pure evil as “The Wiggles”, “Barney” and “Teletubbies”. I admit that I’d rather my child watch Tom hit Jerry over the head with a large cartoon anvil than dance joyously to The Wiggles singing “Fruit Salad”. (And seriously, who gets the idea to write a song about fruit salad to begin with? Oh my, let me write an Ode to the Pasta Salad? Who does that?) Not to mention that I am convinced that they have embedded secret subliminal messaging, because if you have ever caught yourself watching one of these shows they are mesmerizing. Even as an adult you are drawn into a mind-numbing stupor, unable to look away. Only the devil himself could implement such an evil plan.

Recently, Max saw the Teletubbies. It was love at first sight. Prior to nap time he and Lucy get to watch cartoons. For weeks now he has asked in his sweet toddler voice “tubbies?” and Mommy has played dumb. “Tubbies? What Tubbies? Tubbies not on.” Max has been relentless. And when I tell him they aren’t on he looks as if his heart has been dashed across the rocks of cartoon despair. So finally today I relented and the joy that ensued was glorious, and as I type this I can hear his sweet, gentle giggle as the Teletubbies do whatever it is they do.

Later, I may have to force him to watch A&E or the History Channel just to make sure his brain is still functioning and he hasn’t succumbed to their evil powers.

This morning the kids and I were playing Hide and Seek. Usually this entails Lucy counting to ten in about 3 seconds, me running to a hiding place and staying there until Lucy cries out of fear that I’ve left the house. I find it all very funny. In the middle of this game I quickly turned the corner into my living room and discovered this on the floor:

That’s right, a frog. There was a LIVE FROG IN MY LIVING ROOM. It was jumping, it was leaping, IT WAS IN MY LIVING ROOM. I’d like to say that I handled this situation with grace, poise and the maturity of an adult, but in reality I squealed like a little girl. I was so completely horrified that this slimy, disgusting amphibian was in my house I could barely contain my panic. While I tried to compose myself Lucy started squealing in delight “MAX! LOOK! A FROG! CAN I TOUCH IT? CAN I TOUCH IT?” And while Lucy was celebrating this amazing event in our household, the cat was busy trying to kill it. I was frozen. Do I prevent the cat from killing it? Do I not let the kids touch it? How do I get it out of my house? What if I CAN’T get it out of my house? In a moment of bravery and courage I scooped the frog up, put it in a plastic container (that will be burned at a later date) and tossed the frog outside. Only THEN did I let the kids touch it, because for some reason it seemed natural for them to touch a frog OUTSIDE.

Since I joined the teaching profession the only time I have to read anything fun is over the summer. You won’t find new and emerging authors on my list. Mainly because I’m not cool enough to know who they are, but you will find good stories that you can get lost in. Some of these books I’ve read and I’m planning on reading again. Others I’ve never read and can’t wait to start this summer.

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

I LOVE this story. It is a beautiful story of a young orphaned girl as she struggles to overcome adversity and her low class surroundings. She falls in love, she falls out of love, she falls in love again. Mainly, you will cry. You will cry A LOT. Such a beautiful story.

The Buccaneers by Edith Wharton

This is sort of a “Gone With the Wind” meets “Pride & Prejudice”. This is a sweet story about a family of daughters living in New York in 1870 who although are from a wealthy family they are “new money”. Unable to make the right societal connections to marry they travel to the UK to explore society there. It’s a great, witty story.

Life of Pi by Yann Martel

I haven’t read this story yet but everybody even remotely related to me has recommended it. It is a story about an Indian man stuck on a lifeboat with a Tiger and through this remarkable experience discovers a connection with God. I think. I’ll let you know what I think at the end of the summer.

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain

Both of my English degrees focused on English literature not American. As a result I’m poorly versed in American authors. It is a disaster that I’ve never read Tom Sawyer and so this summer I’m sitting down to read it for the first time. I’m excited to find out all about Tom’s adventures through a racist and prejudiced South. Give you my full opinion later.

I’d love to have people read with me so if you are interested in joining the adventure leave a comment and let me know what you are reading first.

Max: Sissy! Mine!!
Lucy: Maaax, it’s okay
Max: SIISSSY!! MIIINE!
Lucy: Max, it’s okay. I love you okay?
Max: Ok Sissy.

I watched Heather Armstrong (of Dooce) on Nightline last night. First, I want to say that Heather was wonderful. Second, I can’t believe so many people HATE Mom’s who blog. I’m feeling the need to clearly communicate my opinion on this issue since I am part of this new crowd.

Criticism #1
“If you hate being a mother so much why are you one?”

Okay, lets make something clear. I don’t hate being a mother. As a matter of fact I LOVE being a mother and if you read most Mom blogs for long you will realize this about almost all of them. Sure we might complain about getting poop under our fingernails but who wouldn’t? Really, do you know somebody who LIKES poop under their fingernails? We might complain about our three year old asking “Why” 500 times in a day but again, isn’t that a form of torture in some countries? EVERY job, even ones you get paid for, have aspects that you don’t like. I love being a mother but I don’t LOVE every aspect of it.

Criticism #2
“You do this because you are narcissistic and want all the attention on you.”

This is odd to me. I spend my time writing about the wonderfully funny, delightful, and sometimes annoying things my FAMILY does and that makes ME narcissistic? Here is the deal. I’m a SAHM. My only adult-interaction is when the UPS man comes and lately he’s been “dropping and running”. My blog allows me to have a virtual conversation with a virtual adult. Sometimes those virtual adults talk back. And oh, it is so nice to read sentences with big words and complete thoughts.

Criticism #3
“You are violating your family’s privacy, especially your children who will grow to resent you.”

You are right, my children are going to resent me. But, they are going to resent me whether I’m blogging or not and here is a surprise, YOUR children are going to resent YOU too. Why? because that is nature. Everybody resents their parents at some point regardless of what they do or don’t do. I do have boundaries. What they are is none of your business but I can assure you that not EVERYTHING makes it on my blog and most of what happens stays at home. A good writer does not need a lot of material to write several paragraphs a day.

Criticism #4
“You are putting your kids in danger”

I’m going to steal Dooce‘s answer to this question: