Act I

David: Hey, one of my vendors gave me two tickets to go see Colbie Caillet and John Mayer at the Starplex. It is for tomorrow night. All you have to do is get a babysitter.
Me: ALL I have to do is get a babysitter? Why didn’t you just ask me to make the Earth stop moving?

Act II

Me: Is it my imagination or are animated animals playing around Colbie Calliet’s feet every time she sings?
David: Yeah, she is soooo “Summer 08”.
Me: I feel like this concert should be called “Suburbia Has A Night Out”.

Act III

John Mayer (without shirt and with 6-pack abs): OOOOHHHH DALLAS!!!
Me: DUUUUDE!!
David: HE’S FREAKIN’ AWESOME!!
Drunk Lady: IS ANYBODY SITTING HERE?
Me: I THINK I’M IN LOVE
David: ME TOO
Drunk Lady: I’M JUST GOING TO STAND HERE OK?

Act IV

Me: I CAN’T HEAR AT ALL! I HOPE WE DON’T GET PULLED OVER?
David: WHY? YOU DIDN’T DRINK?
Me: WHAT?
David: I SAID, YOU DIDN’T DRINK?
Me: I KNOW I DIDN’T DRINK. WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT?
David: OH FORGET IT!

Act V

David: So much for leaving the concert early to beat traffic. Ugh, we’re going to be here forever
Me (driving): Let’s turn down this street – I think I can cut over.
David: I don’t think that’s a street.
Me: Sure it is, why would they have “no parking” signs?
David (as the street gets narrower): Yeah, this is a sidewalk.
Me: Um, yeah I think you’re right. Please don’t tell anybody I was sober and drove on a sidewalk.

You can’t explain the difference between little boys and little girls unless you have one of each. When Lucy was born everything she did was “sweet”, “precious” and “adorable”. After Max was born more of my sentences included comments like, “what a toot!” or “he just seems to be so angry”, or “If he doesn’t get his way he throws a fit”. It was obvious right away that raising a boy was going to be different. Max throws. Max hits. Max bites. Max has tantrums. Max breaks things. Where Lucy never dreamed of even thinking about the crystal cabinet, Max was instantly drawn to it. Where Lucy would never consider disobeying, Max willfully breaks the rules.
Max has a different hug from Lucy, AND THAT is why I love my son. Lucy loves me and she hugs me but it always feels as if it is from fear, insecurity, wanting to feel she belongs. Max hugs me because he very purely loves me. He loves me in a deep, sincere, “I want to eat you up and that is why I bite you” kind of a way. I am his first true love and I feel that in his hugs and kisses. Yesterday when he grabbed both sides of my face and started kissing me all over in a frenzy of love I sat in that moment for as long as I could.

Soon enough Max will fall out of love with me and those kisses and adoration will be given to another person. A girl – a girl who has no appreciation of what she is receiving. And when he takes those brave steps towards his first kiss my heart will break. Don’t get me wrong, I will be sad when Lucy grows and starts leaving the nest too, but in a much different way. I’m raising Lucy to be a strong woman, to not make my mistakes, to make her own mistakes. But with Max it is all about teaching him how to love. If I do it right, he will be a wonderful husband and a wonderful father and that will be because he loved me first, he hugged me first, he kissed me first.

Thank you to Scribbit for the idea. Here goes my entry into the Write-Away Contest

Today is August 1st. This means I have exactly 24 days until school starts and if I’m being honest even less than that since I still have class prep to do. That’s less than a month – actually closer to 3 weeks. I will admit that I’m looking forward to school starting. I love being with my kids but there is a reason why I work part-time. I’m not an inherently patient person (although some people disagree). After spending seven weeks with my children who require every ounce of patience and creativity that I have to give (16 games of “Go Fish” later) I’m ready for a break. Even if that break means spending 4 hours with 18 year olds who don’t understand why you can’t use words like “suck” in a formal academic paper. I know this may sound selfish or ungrateful. However, I think the most important part of being a good parent is knowing your self and your limitations. Mommy is a tough job and like any other job we all have weaknesses and areas for improvement. I know that I am a more patient and interesting and attentive mother when I get that little bit of time out of the house.

In the next three weeks I will once again put on my teaching togs and return to the classroom and by November I will be complaining about my teenage students. And all of you will be reminding me of how eager I was to be there in the first place.

I love eating macaroni and cheese, the Kraft variety, thick & creamy to be specific. I always have. While most of my friends got sick of eating mac & cheese in college I never tired. However, there is one thing about making mac & cheese that I’ve never understood. The tab on the side of the box that says “To open push here”. Really? Because out of the hundreds of boxes of mac & cheese I’ve made this has NEVER worked, Not once. I’ve always ended up just ripping the top off and there you go. Has anybody gotten this little contraption to work? Ever?

I also really love fruit butters. Apple butter, pear butter, peach butter and sweet potato butter. Yes, that is right sweet potato butter. I love it. It is this lovely combination of smoothy, fruity, tastiness that just makes your mouth feel cozy. David recently returned from a trip to California and brought this little jar of goodness back for me to enjoy. It’s from “Honeywood Farms” and as bread toppings go it is pretty low in calories, fat and sugars and it is fabulously yummy.

1.) Put my shoes on.
2.) Put Lucy & Max’s shoes on
3.) Gather packages for mailing, clothes for cleaning, and checkbook for signing up for swim classes. Plus, phone, keys, sunglasses, pacifier, blankets, bottle of water and several small toys that we apparently MUST bring with us or our safety will be in jeopardy.
4.) Get everybody in car which entails asking for this to happen at least four times. “Lucy, get in the car. Max, get in the car. Everybody in the car. In the car. Get in the car or there will be spanks”
5.) Buckle up. This is where I wrangle with the seat belt and Max and I negotiate who is going to do the buckling.
6.) Get in the drivers seat and buckle up just in time to hear Lucy cry that her precious small toy that is critical to our safety and mankind has been dropped and she can’t reach it.
7.) Get out of car, open sliding door, retrieve toy and return it to safety.

8.) Drive to gas station. While pumping gas Lucy unbuckles herself to show Max how he can use his seatbelt to pretend that he is water-skiing.
9.) Finish pumping gas (@ $3.40 a gallon. Yippee for Texas) and then re-buckle Lucy

10.) Drive-thru dry cleaners (God Bless drive thru dry cleaners)

11.) Park at civic center. Unbuckle me, unbuckle Lucy, unbuckle Max. Ask that both children leave the mini-van so we can go indoors; “Lucy lets go. Max, c’mon out”
12.) Walk into the civic center and ask to enroll Lucy in swim lessons. Response received is “we’re sorry our computers are not working and so I can’t sign you up” – By the way, second time I’ve stopped by and second time their computers aren’t working. Guess what? Lucy isn’t going to learn to swim this summer.
13.) Herd everybody outside with the required “hold hands. hold hands. HOLD HANDS!!!”
14.) Everybody in the car with a “Get in the car. get in the car. GET IN THE CAR!”
15.) Buckling all around
16.) Then the whining begins; “I’m tired. I’m hungry. I thought we were going to the library. Where are we going now?”

17.) Stop at post office repeat steps outlined in #11
18.) Enter post office where Lucy declares in a whine so high-pitched only dogs can hear it “There aren’t any toys here!” As if somehow this greatly reduces the social standing of the post office.
19.) As I reach the counter Lucy says “I have to peepee.”
20.) Repeat steps 13-16

21.) Get to library and repeats steps in #11
22.) Use the bathroom where Lucy says loudly: “the potty isn’t big enough for all of us to fit” and “is the toilet going to flush by itself?” Then Max sticks his hand in the tampon disposal box. Wash hands, dry hands and encourage everybody to not stick hands in mouth (a losing battle with Lucy).
23.) Upon entering the library I outline the rules; “no yelling, no running, no screaming”. I try to encourage the kids to actually look at the books instead of the fish tank but I am woefully unsuccessful. I pay the late fines for the last books we checked out and while this happens Lucy and Max decide to make mommy a “may-pole” and start chasing each other around my legs. I get down and in the angriest whispering tones imaginable I explain that “This is bad. No running! You will stop!” My request is ignored. I repeat request with firmer whispers and the threat of time-outs. Behavior continues – I am now firmly embarrassed and want to flee the library in shame. Outside of library I explain to Lucy and Max that this behavior is wrong and that they were being disobedient. Max giggles. Lucy is solemn. In the car (after repeating steps 13-16)I let them know that Daddy would be very disappointed if he knew what happened. Lucy bursts into tears and begs me not to tell Daddy. This continues for the entire 20 minute drive home. Max periodically agrees with Lucy but really only to make her feel better and to support her cause – he could care less who knew about his antics.

24.) Upon returning home we call Daddy at work (who is already angry and is in no mood to discipline over the phone). Lucy buries her head in the sofa as David scolds her for not obeying Mommy and how disappointed he is. Lucy sobs and tearfully replies “yes, Daddy”. Max is grabbing at the phone wanting to talk to Daddy. David relays similar lesson to Max who, with a smile on his face, meekly agrees and says he’s sorry.
25.) After we hang up I hug Lucy, tell her that I’m disappointed but that I love her very much and that it makes Mommy sad when she disobeys. She says she’s sorry and asks for chocolate milk
26.) I walk into kitchen and cry.

After about two months of aggravation and several weeks of me kvetching our kitchen renovations are complete (except for putting the face plates back on the plugs). I could not be happier. It is gorgeous and I don’t want anybody touching anything. I also would like new stainless appliances. KitchenAid – if you are out there would you like to give me a new stainless appliance package? I promise to love it, care for it and write many good things about how it is the most wonderful thing in the world. PLEEEEASSE!!!

Here are the pictures starting from the before and ending with the glorious after.

I found this on the “Interweb” and thought it was pretty funny. It is also strangely representative of how I feel about English and grammar.

I’m sure like the product of many men from his generation “Star Wars” made an indelible mark on David’s young psyche when he saw it in the theater. A mark that he has carried with him into adulthood. Since the first pregnancy test came back positive he has not stopped talking about what it will be like to watch “Star Wars” with the kids for the first time. And although he planned on waiting until the kids were in 3rd grade other influences have stepped in to make this no longer a possibility. Namely, Lucy’s cousins. See, Lucy’s cousins are older than her and they play the video game and they talk about it and now suddenly at 4 Lucy knows ALL about Star Wars without ever having seen it. She talks knowledgeably about Jawas and Luke and Leah and the Eewoks and yet she’s never seen the film.

David woke up Saturday morning and asked Lucy is she would like to watch “Star Wars” and she squealed in delight, ran around in a circle, and shot orange soda out her nose. (okay, the last part was a lie, but you get the idea). I can’t tell you if she liked it because most of the time she was busy asking questions; “Where is Dark Vader?”, “Who are those guys in black?”, “Are the Jawas bad guys?”, “Why does his land speeder fly like that?”, “Why are there two suns?”, “Why does that snake have one eye?” etc. Max would periodically point to the screen and declare “Bad Guy” or “Good Guy”.

She woke up Sunday and begged and pleaded to watch “Empire Strikes Back” and when she saw Yoda it was like finding an old friend. She was surprised to find out that Luke didn’t realize who Yoda was and innocently asked “What is an Empire”. David gently and patiently explained all the characters and made matter of fact comments like “That is a planet called Tatooine. It is a desert planet.” His explanations were so succinct, so factual and so full of confidence that it wouldn’t surprise me if Lucy thought the story was real. In truth, it probably holds the same level of validity as the story of Noah or the Princess and the Pea. At one point he leaned over and whispered into Lucy’s ear “I know a secret. Darth Vader was actually a good guy once”. And so the legacy continues.