My intellectual interests trend towards the history of religion. It is not interesting to anybody but me. I get this, really. I rarely talk about what I studied or even what I teach. Conversations with me about my academic studies usually go like this:

Person A: What is your masters degree in?
Me: Medieval literature
Person A: Wow! That’s interesting. What was your masters thesis on?
Me: Images of female authority through the manipulation of the chivalric code
Person A: Huh. Yeah. So, isn’t this a great party?

However, I can’t help but get excited when I find that one person who actually wants to know more. Really? You really want to know about the fall of the Roman Empire and the rise of the church? You’re interested in the corruption of the Catholic church and the revolution caused by the Protestant Reformation? Wow. This is why it’s a good thing I teach. These kids are required to sit and listen to me talk about this stuff. They don’t have a choice.

I’m telling you all this to introduce this video which I thought was interesting. Feel free to ignore it or to give me a polite nod and wonder when I’m going to return to something more interesting.

Every Thanksgiving my mother enthusiastically suggests that we make ham this year instead of turkey. At which I respond, “but I don’t like ham, I never have”. My mother lets out an exasperated sigh and says, “okay, I’ll make a small turkey too”. As a family grows there are always more considerations to be made. During the holiday time these types of accommodations can reach a fever pitch. I find myself having conversations like this:

Me: Let’s make a turkey AND a ham
Mother: Okay, but don’t forget that Sharon is a vegetarian so we need to make extra side dishes
Me: Won’t we have the normal ones?
Mother: Yes, but I also think she is some sort of strange vegan where she doesn’t eat dairy either so I think the mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes don’t count.
Me: Ugh, fine, we’ll make an extra batch of green beans AND a side salad
Mother: Do you know if Bob is coming this year? because I don’t think he and Tammy are talking since last Easter when he said something about her sister.
Me: Well, they can build a bridge and get over it or not come
Mother: You can’t be like that – we’ll just seat them separately
Me: Don’t forget to move the beer bottles into the basement since Amy is now “on-the-wagon” and we don’t want to tempt her
Mother: Does this mean that Dad’s egg nog is out of the question?
Me: I have no idea – does that count as drinking? How much rum is in it?
Mother: Oy, okay and should we buy a small TV so Alan and Steve can watch the game during dinner or do you think they should just sit in the living room?
Me: I think they should be glad they are getting dinner since they never talk to anybody anyways.

Families are filled with freaks. Each family is like your own personal circus filled with every oddity from the car full of clowns to the Fat Lady, from the Ring Leader to the Lion Tamer. Individually they are all nice people with whom we share a common history but during the holidays they amass, prop up the tent and open all three rings.

And yet we yearn for the freak show. This group of crazies provides us with comfort, security and the knowledge that we do not stand alone in our OWN freakness. We are not spectators at this circus – no, we are a part of it. We love the freak show, we love the freaks, they are us and we are them.

A “tip-of-the-hat” to Scribbit for the post idea as I toss my post into the “ring” for this month’s “Write-Away Contest”.

You open your eyes and you realize in one flash of recollection that its over. We have a new president. And then, like a bad night of drinking, the memory of all the bold, angry, and extreme remarks you made to friends and family rise up in your throat like last night’s chicken wings. The shame, the embarrassment. If your candidate won you feel awkwardly proud. If your candidate lost you feel angry and disappointed. Now what?

1.) If you haven’t already told people who you voted for now is not the time to begin. Keep your silent, PRIVATE vote private. When speaking with family and friends keep your political ideology a mystery — it will make you seem more interesting. If everybody already knows then this is the time to be gracious. If your candidate won say something like “well, I’m excited and I hope over time he wins your respect”. If your candidate lost you might say something like “Yeah, I’m super bummed, but who knows? This guy may turn out okay and we’ve only got two years until we elect new Congress members and only four with this guy”.

2.) Try to politely forget all the stupid things you said. Are you one of those people that threaten to move to Canada if your candidate didn’t win? Well, first let this be a lesson to you to not make ridiculous claims. Second, try to pretend that you never said that. “Move to Canada? No, I never said move. Visit maybe, but never move”.

3.) If you didn’t like either candidate then this is a good time to jump on the band wagon of the winning side. You might say something like, “I always liked that guy. Knew he would win.” And when people start saying positive things simply agree with simple statements like “Ah, yes I think I read that in the New York Times” or even better “Yes, I read a similar opinion in the London Times”. Mentioning a foreign newspaper is always a good idea because the chance the person you are talking to has read it is slim.

4.) This is the best time to become an armchair political pundit. Saying things like, “I heard on NPR that Obama is beginning to look at cabinet posts. Who do you think he’ll choose?” Mentioning NPR makes you seem cultured and asking a question prevents you from actually having an opinion. You could make the over-the-top educated opinion like, “We really need to evaluate our financial regulations and how they impact long term investment portfolios of the middle class. And you?” This way your friend has no idea what you are saying which will prevent them from pressing you for further details.

I hope this helps you as you begin to navigate the uncomfortable conversations and emails that you will be receiving between now and the inauguration. And God Bless The United States of America.

As I slowly come down from my sugar high that was inflicted upon me by Halloween I’d like to share some of the highlights of the holiday.

Max Really Is As Stubborn As He Appears
When Lucy was three she decided last minute to change her costume plans from fairy princess to a cheerleader. Thankfully, I anticipated the fickle needs of a 3 yr old girl and had said costume on hand. As a result I planned for the same last minute decision making on Max’s part. I had 3 DIFFERENT COSTUMES laid out for the little lad. From the store bought Yoda costume that he insisted we get to the home-spun construction workers outfit that mommy put together. Plus, my sister sent a beautiful Pottery Barn hot dog costume in case either one of those options didn’t work out.

As the witching hour approached we started with the Yoda costume which was quickly tossed aside by Max with a most emphatic “NO!” We then moved quickly on to the construction worker outfit. Now Lucy really liked this idea so she was giving it the big sell, “Oooh Max, I love it! It is sooooo cute!!” Max bought it for about thirty minutes, at which point he tossed off the hat and chucked the tool belt with a whiny “it scatchy”. He wouldn’t consider the hotdog costume and so out of exasperation I gave up. Fine. He doesn’t really HAVE TO wear a costume, but his father would not hear of it. David saunters into the bedroom as if he was the sherriff pulling into costume town. “Max, you gotta put a costume on or there will be no candy.” After some hushed conversation and sounds of giggling Max emerged, wearing THE EXACT SAME COSTUME HE WORE LAST YEAR!

A Philosophical Question
David’s office holds a Halloween costume contest every year and so David always has some killer costume that he wants to wear Halloween night. (This year, Uncle Fester from the Addams Family) I like to wear a costume to class (nothing like sauntering into a classroom of young adults dressed funny in order to inspire respect and attention). So who stays at home with the candy and who goes with the kids? This year we both went with the kids and delayed candy giving by an hour. The result? Lots of extra candy. Is there any easy answer to this problem? Stay? Go? There is guilt either way. Guilt that you aren’t participating in the neighborhood and handing out candy and guilt that you aren’t making fabulous family memories with your kids. Oy!

Saint Lucy
Lucy was the leader of the pack this Halloween. Lucy discussed trick or treating with Max like a seasoned veteran. She explained that you need to say “trick or treat” and then say “thank you” and that sometimes it’s hard to remember. That he is not to be scared and that she will hold his hand. Lucy wanted to be Cinderella from the very beginning and after we put her costume on kept asking everybody, “Aren’t I a BEAUUUTIFUL princess?” If you said “no” she collapsed into tears. I know this because Max kept saying “no” and she kept crying. After we finished our street block I asked the kids if they wanted to go to another street. GASP! We’ve never ventured before our own block before. Lucy, quickly said “no, I would like to go home and share my candy with my daddy because he LOVES candy”. We are now several days past Halloween and every new person we see she says to me, “I’m going to save some candy for them for when they come to my house”. Too bad Mommy and Daddy are eating the candy so quickly that we are in a constant chocolate haze.

Final Moments
The evening came to a sweet close as David and Lucy made their way to the tent we had put up in our backyard. David slept all night with Lucy in the tent. I slept all night in the king-size bed, by myself. It was delicious.

This campaign season, and well last campaign season too, has really made me realize something alarming about our political system — it is irrelevant. Our two-party system has gotten to be like the NFL or MLB (stay with me here). The team managers and owners have so completely gotten the game down to a science and the players are all so good that the differences between teams is negligible. It is when every game becomes a close game that the franchise owners get together to change the rules – to make it tougher. Over the years they have done that to the NFL and to the NBA.

Well, I suspect that every political race from this point forward will be a close race. Why? Because political strategists and the machines behind these campaigns have gotten it down to a science. We no longer hear about the issues on the news we hear about what states are in contention, how many more electoral votes are required and how to win Michigan. Did you know that neither presidential candidate this year ever came to Texas? Do you know why? Because we are such a conservative state Democrats feel it is a waste to spend money here. Republicans feel there is no need to spend money here because Democrats don’t – so nobody comes to visit. Do I feel neglected? yes, I do. Because my vote is being taken for granted. My vote has already been decided for me by some political strategist in Washington who could care less about what really matters to me. Because I am no longer a person but a demographic. A demographic that is highly sought after (soccer moms) or no longer needed.

Our system does not reward and promote the best candidate, it rewards and promotes the better strategy. It is time to change the rules but unlike professional sports the people in charge of changing the rules are the same ones who benefit from keeping them the same.

I voted today with the kids. I’m not going to tell you who I voted for or why I voted for that person or what issues are important to me. Frankly, that is too personal and the beauty of this country is the SECRET ballot. However, I am a big believer in the act of voting which is why I took my two children. If I can stand in a line with a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old and explain to them why voting for new leaders is important during which they are trying to push all the buttons in the voting booth and cause the next voting controversy, you can too. I’m sure many of you may view this voting campaign with celebrities involved as some sort of secret plot by Democrats but the message is simple — Vote. (Lucy thought I said “boat” and wanted to know where the water was).

Lucy and I had a very spiritual conversation over breakfast this morning:

Lucy: When I was at Nana’s house Katie said that when I become a Grandma I will die
Me: Well, that is a long way away honey I don’t think you need to worry about it
Lucy: But I don’t want to die
Me: (recognizing a bad thing coming) well, you won’t die
Lucy: (tears welling in her eyes) BUT I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!
Me: Oh sweetie, it won’t happen until your like a hundred years old — you’re not even 5 right now
Lucy: I. DON’T. WANT. TO. DIE!!!
Me: Lucy, do you know what happens when you die? (Lucy shakes her head vigorously) you go to live with God so it isn’t anything to be sad about
Lucy: I don’t want to live with God. I want to live with Mommy. (hot tears now streaming down her face. I gather her up into my arms and sit on the couch)
Me: Lucy, you will live with Mommy.
Lucy: I don’t want to live somewhere without Mommy.
Me: You will always be with Mommy. I will always take care of you. Always, always.
Lucy: When I’m a Mommy can I still call you Mommy?
Me: Yes, of course you can
Lucy: (calming down, and the tears receding) Will you still call me “honey”?
Me: yes, of course I will
Lucy: (perking back up) I like it when you call me “honey”.

We recently let Max have some time to run around the house “commando” – no diaper, no pants. He seemed to like this until he peed on the floor. As I was cleaning him up this conversation occurred.

Me: It’s okay Max accidents happen
Lucy: (from the adjacent room and screaming) IT’S OKAY MAX! ACCIDENTS HAPPEN ALLLLL THE TIME!
Me: You have accidents when you are learning to use the potty
Lucy: (still in other room) IT’S OKAY MAX! I HAVE ACCIDENTS!!! BE BRAVE MAX!!
Max: (shouting back) OK SISHY! I BWAVE!!
Me: okay buddy lay down so I can clean you up
Max: Peepee come out my peanut
Me: yes, peepee comes out of your penis
Max: Mama don’t have peanut
Me: that is right, mommy doesn’t have a penis
Max: peepee come out of hole in peanut.
Me: Yes sweetheart, the peepee comes out of the hole
(Wow, so glad we got that all cleared up. )

Max has stopped bathing. I don’t know why, but suddenly he has refused to take a bath. I recognize that an almost 3 yr old likes to feel as if he is in control and I do what I can to help him create this illusion. I have allowed him to not bathe, but it has been a week. Do you know what an almost 3 year old little boy looks like after a week of no bathing? Well, let me enlighten you. He has food on his face. I don’t know what it is or what it was but it is there and it will not be removed with a baby wipe or a “spit and polish”. He has ink on his arms. Not from coloring, but from taking my “good job” rubber stamps from my school bag and stamping himself. His fingernails are long, dirty and well, I won’t gross you out with the details. His “parts” smell, his hair is a mess, and his ears – ugh. So tonight, I threw down the mommy gauntlet and dragged that little toot, kicking and screaming into the tub. He splashed me, he threw toys, he cried until snot streamed down his face and loosened the food around his mouth. I even washed his hair (I was feeling particularly saucy). I cleaned his ears, trimmed his nails, put clean pajamas on him and even made him wash his pacifier. He hates me. I know he does. I know he is sitting right now, with watermelon smelling hair and resenting me. I have violated his control, his life, his space. What he doesn’t realize is that this is really revenge for all of those times that he’s eaten my food, pulled my hair, grabbed my boobs in public, kicked me and otherwise violated MY space. I hate to break it to you buddy but mommy always wins. I ALWAYS win.