Me: Lucy, I was thinking that we might have a gymnastics party for your birthday in January. What do you think of that idea?
Lucy: Oh yeah, that would be nice. But after that I don’t want to have any more parties.
Me: You don’t want ANY more parties?
Lucy: Well, I don’t want any more birthday parties because I don’t want to grow up. I want to just stop at 5.
Me: Why?
Lucy: Because I LUUUUVVVVVEEEE BEING A KID!!!!!!!
Me: True. True.

As a 38 year old mother I am not even remotely the audience for either the book or the movie. As an English teacher I am most definitely not the audience for the book. I get that. I have a class of sweet college girls prodding me into seeing the film and I could not disappoint them (yes Lindsey, Nikki & Taryn I’m talking about you). However, after watching “Twilight” and reading the book I was quite disappointed in the film.

The Make-Up
Obviously I am not the only one who thought that Edward had on far too much lipstick. I’m sure they did this as contrast to his pale skin, but instead of his skin looking pale he just looked like a Japanese Geisha. It was completely awkward and drove me to distraction. Not to mention that I didn’t realize so many vampire’s dye their hair since it was obvious many of them had “roots”.

The Land Of The Never Smiling
I am a girl and I am absolutely attracted to a brooder. As a matter of fact I can rattle off many famous literary brooders that make me swoon; Heathcliffe, Mr. Darcy, and Mr. Rochester. However, in this film Edward takes brooding to such a dark place I don’t know why Bella ever went for him to begin with. Even Bella never smiles — even after they make out. Seriously, if you can’t smile around each other EVER then why are you together? This leads me to my next criticism of the movie.

Missing In Action
I know that when taking a book to film things need to be cut. This is a delicate task, but it can be done successfully (example; Harry Potter). The screenwriters chose to cut too many of the sections of the book that actually show how and why the couple like each other. In the film it seems to be all about the forbidden fruit and that Edward is cute but that is not true in the book. Edward talks about not being sure of Bella’s feelings and Bella sees how gentle and kind Edward is. Without some of this background it all seems random.

Without reading the book this movie makes no sense. When taking books to film it has to be able to make sense to those who haven’t read the book. Again, I point to Harry Potter. David hasn’t read any of the books but loves the movies. If you don’t have the book as context this film is painful. It has long scenes of people staring lustfully at each other in a way that would make anybody over 16 want to vomit. The scenes fit together in a clunky almost Cliff Note type fashion that only somebody already familiar with the story could make out.

Final Thoughts
As an English teacher people have not stopped asking me about this series of books (seriously, I was at Lucy’s gymnastics class and somebody asked me about it). The plot and storyline has so much potential. Stephanie Meyer had an excellent idea for a story, but the writing is weak. There are huge holes in the plot, characters are left in two-dimensions and the dialogue is for a 13-year old. These stories could have been so much more. Having said that though, I will buy the last two books and read them over Christmas. However, I probably won’t be seeing any more “Twilight” films.

As we plow into the holiday season I feel a desire to provide some helpful tips when it comes to writing that Christmas letter. As an English teacher I find these little treasures to actually be time bombs of irritation awaiting me in my mailbox. This year I plan to circumvent this problem by telling you the things you absolutely should NEVER do.

#1 (and this is a biggie) DO NOT WRITE IN THIRD PERSON
Let me give you an example; “Bob is so excited at his new job and Sally is involved in the PTA this year”. Who the hell is writing the letter? The cat? Obviously somebody is writing and if it isn’t the two adults in the house then who is it? And don’t switch back and forth. For example; “I’m so proud of Bob’s new promotion this year and I know he will be happy. Sally is heavily involved in the PTA and I’m glad she has found an outlet for her creativity.” So now you are taking turns typing? Of course not. Somebody is writing this letter so decide who it is and stick with it.

#2 How To Share Good News and Not Brag
Let’s just pretend your son really did win the Nobel Peace Prize.Of course you are proud of him – any mother would be. However, you don’t want to make everybody else reading this either hate you or resent you for telling them. When sharing some piece of amazing news humble this news with some mundane thing that the person fails miserably at. For example, “We are so proud of John winning the Nobel Peace Prize this year but we sure wish he would learn how to pick up the phone and call once in awhile” or “Steve has been lucky to discover the cure for Cancer this year but too bad he can’t also cure his chronic flatulence problem”. See where I’m going with this? This is also true when talking about yourself. You might say something like, “I’ve really enjoyed feeding the homeless this year. Unfortunately my family has taken to showing up in the soup line because I’m never home long enough to feed them.” This will put your reader at ease and allow them to both respect your accomplishment and to know that you aren’t trying to compete

#3 Including Photographs
Unless the person is related or is close enough to be considered a relation a photograph of your growing child is not necessary. Truly, what am I supposed to do with these photos? Save them forever? What is the appropriate amount of time to hold on to said picture prior to disposal? 1 month? 1 year? 1 day? Don’t put that kind of guilt on me.

#4 Keep It Brief
No more than one page in a 11 point font or larger. Unless you have traveled to the moon, solved World Peace, or discovered a new country, one page is more than sufficient space. I would love to know how your family is doing but I’m not really interested in a 2008 recap that rivals a PBS documentary. This means stick to the highlights; births, deaths, graduations, new jobs/loss of job, new house/loss of house, pets, major childhood accomplishments (this can be anything from walking to rehab), divorce or marriage. If ALL of these things happened in your life in one year well – take a Prozac and then focus on the good stuff. It’s Christmas man, don’t bring me down.

I hope this helps you and guides you as you try to communicate the events of 2008 to your friends and family. Honestly, I really am looking forward to your Christmas letter so please send it soon.

When the miscarriage happened I fully anticipated waiting two, three months and then trying again. No biggie. But things changed. David and I had to be honest with each other and the truth is that we were both terribly frightened of that third pregnancy. Frightened of what a third child would mean for each of us individually and as a couple. The emotional impact, the financial burden, the physical demand. For months my mind and body has been in a tug-of-war. On any given day I either am longing for a baby or can’t imagine adding yet another demand onto our busy family.

I don’t expect you to understand this. I’m sure their will be many of you reading this thinking that I am selfish, shallow, or have my values screwed up. That’s fine. I’m sure many of you are thinking, that when you have babies you can’t think of those things, that the money will come, we all find a way, God has a plan, blah, blah, blah. Yes, you would be right, but I’m right too. An adult thinks about the consequences of their decision, and believe me I have done nothing but think about this decision.

I’ve spent the last two days packing up baby stuff and selling it. This has been challenging for me. It is the “what ifs” that drive me crazy. What if I hadn’t miscarried? What if it had been another girl? What if I was 8 months pregnant right now? Sometimes the answers are tender but mostly I have begun to realize how ill prepared I am to handle a third child. And then the tears come – sometimes small tears squeaking out the edges, sometimes sobs.

Why I cry is hard to say. Disappointed that I’m physically not strong enough to have three children. Disappointed that I started so late in life (I was 34 when I had Lucy and 36 with Max). Sad that this chapter of my life is ending. I will never be pregnant again. I will never see my own child being born again. Now that I know how to do it right I won’t have a chance to do it again. And part of me can’t help but think that God knew David and I were done. The decision was truly never mine to make.

Me: Are all those roosters?
David: Yeah
Me: Are they chained to those little houses?
David: It sure looks like it.
Me: Hmm, that is weird. I wonder why they are like that?
David: Well, I think it’s a world clock. I think if we look close enough we’ll see that they have little signs that say, “Singapore”, “London”, “Paris”, etc

The most important thing you need to know about my sister-in-law is that her name is also Beth.

Saturday afternoon the men-folk left the campsite to go buy wood for the fire. The children gleefully played around the campsite. Beth and I sat around the fire chatting lightly about our kids, households, family, etc. All Beth said was “Oh!” as the raccoon sauntered up out of the woods into our campsite. I calmly picked up any food and shoved it into the car and Beth positioned herself between the raccoon and the kids. He was a cute and calm little thing. He made himself at home, climbing onto the cooler, sniffing around the tents and looking at us as if we were old friends. Honestly, I think he half expected me to pet him, hand him a bowl of food and show him where the bathroom was.

As it became clear that he was not going to leave and that soon the kids were going to discover that he was visiting, we decided to lock the kids in the car. At this point the 4 girls and 1 boy began screaming for “Daddy”. Now, I was offended by this. Although Beth and I may not be the “outdoors” types we completely had the situation under control. The raccoon wasn’t angry, threatening or destroying anything in the camp. The kids were safe. The campfire was burning brightly and Beth and I had armed ourselves with the only weapons we had – the large forks that we used to grill hot dogs. Things were FINE.

The raccoon still wouldn’t leave. We tried throwing rocks at it but it just seemed to think it was food. When we tried to chase it, it just sat there looking at us in anticipation that we might pet it. Eventually, I began to wave my arms like a large Pterodactyl wearing a red sweater and screaming, “I’M A LARGE SCARY CREATURE! RUN AWAY!” It might not have been sophisticated but it got the job done. The raccoon, recognizing that I obviously was a rabid human, fled the campsite.

When the men did return, the kids starting screaming “DADDY’S HOME! DADDY’S HOME!” as if salvation had arrived right there in Oklahoma. Apparently my children have no confidence in their mother’s ability to manage small woodland creatures.

Everybody provided me with some great camping suggestions and links (and a special shout to Taryn who sent me her own personal to do list). I settled on two great camping suggestions.

1.) Pancakes
I now no longer know where I found this recipe but it was super easy to make and all you have to do is add equal parts water and 1 Tbsp oil. Mix and make. I’ll tell you how they come out, but I’m thinking of keeping this mix on hand at the house.

1 1/2 cups White flour
1 1/2 cups Whole Wheat flour
2 Tbs + 2 tsp baking powder
2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 cup buttermilk powder

2.) Pocket Pizza
I believe I found this on a Boy Scout website but again, I can’t retrace my steps. I loved this idea but unfortunately I won’t be able to tell you how it tastes because David said that this “isn’t camp food” and so we’ll be making hot dogs. (sigh). I may try this at home with the kids later.

Pita bread sliced in half
Pizza sauce
Mozzarella cheese
toppings of choice

Take each pita pocket and line with pizza sauce, cheese and favorite toppings. Wrap tightly in foil and toss onto grill or fire. Heat for 10 minutes. Open up and you have homemade pizza pockets. Sounds yummy to me.

David and I were up until midnight last night making final preparations for the trip. The kids are excited and we’ve packed every piece of warm clothing we have. We’ll be heading north into Oklahoma, in case search and rescue is necessary (I’m joking Mom). We’ve packed everything from blankets to a TV (oh yeah, there is electricity at the camp). Oh, and a space heater. Not exactly roughing it but hey, I’m just a princess from Michigan. I’m doing the best I can here.

David has convinced me to go camping this weekend with the kids. I will admit that I’ve only been camping twice before and both times was when I was single and in love – which makes us all do crazy things. I’m a little hesitant to pack up my stubborn 2 yr old and my “scared of everything” 4 yr old and head off to the woods. However, I am now married and in love and that also makes you do crazy things. It is going to be cool (not cold, because as an ex-northerner I have a hard time calling anything over 30 degrees cold), and the restroom facilities will be “rustic”. Sigh.

This is where YOU come in. I’m looking for your best camping recipes, ideas, suggestions. I’m desperate. David wants to make “hash” but I don’t think Lucy, who won’t even eat peanut butter, is really going to go for that. I don’t want to eat hot dogs every day and so that leaves me open to suggestions. Leave your ideas or links to ideas in the comment box. On Friday I will highlight all my favorite suggestions — or not if nobody responds.