The Tri-Beth-ca

September 10, 2009 blogobeth 1 Comment

David and his brother are the two oldest grandchildren. David’s brother Paul was the first to marry and he chose a sweet girl named Beth. David followed suit by also marrying a girl named Beth. For the past ten years Beth and I have managed to navigate the tricky waters of having the EXACT same name (in fact our middle names are the same too). I can only describe my sister-in-law as just shy of angelic. I cannot imagine her doing anything purposefully malicious or cruel. Everything about her spirit exudes kindness and gentility. I suppose if I had married at a younger age I might have felt the insecurity of comparison or competition, but I haven’t. Beth and I are as similar as we are different. Each of us unique in our strengths and weaknesses. We’ve grown to love and support each other and relish the honor of sharing each others name.

David’s cousin Eric will be the next male grandchild to marry. Eric is a quiet gentle soul and he has selected as his future bride a ‘Beth’. This has meant a long string of Beth jokes and shaking of heads. It is now difficult at restaurants, parties, gatherings to explain that indeed there are three Beths in the room and that it is important to be VERY specific regarding to whom you are speaking. I feel as if all this Beth power should somehow give us the ability to bend time, save the world, or solve the mysteries of the universe. Alas, it has only granted us the power to make really bad jokes.

The new Beth (or Beth3 as we like to call her) and I instantly bonded. I dragged her to watch “Twilight” with me in the movie theater and as the credits rolled she quietly said, “You promise me to not tell anybody in the world that I saw this movie”. Aaah, yes, you will round out the Tri-Beth-ca very nicely.

Marriage, Personal

Wiser? Or Just Plain Old?

September 2, 2009 blogobeth 4 Comments

It felt like it happened over night. I stood there staring into the mirror and there they were staring back at me. Wrinkles. Oh, they are small and some might call them “character lines” but no matter what flowery language you use they are still wrinkles and they are on MY forehead. I’m 39 and 40 is the next block over. Things are different as I look down the barrel of this milestone and not in the ways I expected.

From the moment David and I met I have always taken great pride in the fact that I’m not a jealous person. I have entertained and fed more than one of David’s ex-girlfriends. I have watched him attend bachelor parties, happy hours, and other events without me and have never thought twice about it. He has spent days at photo shoots with professional models, and his office is frequently filled with beautiful single women. It has never once bothered me. Why? Well, I’m pretty secure with myself and in my relationship. I figure if David was really bent on straying nothing I could ever say or do would stop him. And yet, without warning, things are starting to change.

Before you think that somehow my marriage has hit rocky ground it has not. David and I are as solid and in love as ever. What has changed, is me, and it has a great deal more to do with those suspicious wrinkles on my forehead than I’d like to admit. It all fell into place when I read this recent article by Mommy Track’d. I am more jealous of the women my husband works with and the time he spends away from the house. Why? Because I’m no longer the young, 20-something, career minded, sexy, independent super girl I was when we met. No, my body now wears the scars of two children and four pregnancies. I have stretch marks, and cellulite, and wrinkles. The circles around my eyes, that used to be easily gotten rid of with some ice cubes and good eye cream, no longer vanish over night – or sometimes at all. That high-power, high-paying career that I had forged for myself is now a victim on the sidelines of my life. I can no longer compete with the women that my husband interacts with on a daily basis and at 39 I’m all too aware of it.

David assures me that those things are no longer important to him. He laughs and scowls when I bring it up telling me that in place of those things I have provided him with a home, children, a foundation for him to build his life. That we always have been and always will be soul-mates fatefully locked together. I know he is telling me the truth. I know he means all the words coming from his mouth. But I can’t help but miss that 20-something young super girl and wonder if sometimes he misses her too? I’m not mourning the loss of my younger body (because lets face it, it was never GREAT), but I miss the confidence that the younger me had. I miss the seemingly bottomless pit of belief and passion I felt within myself.

Perhaps that is what getting older and wiser is all about. You lose your unshakable confidence because you more honestly recognize your faults and misgivings. You no longer need the shield of false bravado to get through life but instead gain the greater strength of seeing yourself more nakedly than you ever have before. And this honesty, this unfiltered vision, brings with it fear of who you REALLY are not who you were trying to pretend to be the first 30 years. And just perhaps that is true wisdom.

Blogging

Don’t Worry Dooce – I’m Coming to Your Rescue

September 1, 2009 blogobeth 9 Comments

I was first introduced to blogging by reading Dooce (Heather Armstrong). David had returned from a web conference where she had spoken on a round table. He was impressed. He found her funny, and witty and thought I would like her. I started reading her blog in 2004. We had kids the same age and I could completely relate to her voice. My story is not unique and I’m sure many of you found Dooce early in your blogging and/or were inspired by her. Heather is HUGE in the blogging world and will always be one of the few bloggers with that level of success. So this week when she came under attack for doing what most bloggers do everyday I was offended on her behalf.

Now I realize Heather does not need me defending her, nor does she need anybody justifying her actions. However, it is easy to hit a large target and then hide behind our own tiny corner of the internet world fearless of reprisal. That doesn’t seem fair. So Heather, this one is for you.

We’ve all experienced bad customer service. We’ve all had those moments when we wish we could scream from the hilltops that so and so company has screwed us royal and the injustice of it all makes us want to commit violence. I’ve had more than my share and if pressed could recount names, companies and violations of my consumer trust. Heather’s experience with Maytag over the last couple of months was horrific and obnoxious. She was justified in her anger and you know what? Unlike the rest of us she does have a hilltop to scream from about it and she did. Now, some people were quick to call her a bully and that she was abusing her power but that is not how I see it.

Heather Armstrong always has been and always will be a mommy-blogger. Period. She is a mom writing about her life. She is one of thousands of us and yes, she is more famous than the rest of us but she is still a mommy blogger. One of the main functions of mommy-blogging and the reason why any company is interested in us is because we provide honest and trustworthy feedback about products and services that we use. I trust a fellow Mom to be honest with her experiences.

In the five years I have been reading Heather Armstrong I have always found her to be honest, and transparent in any product she has ever mentioned (which does not happen often). I have seen her be very liberal in her praise for companies that have gone above and beyond and careful with her criticism. As a result she has earned my respect and trust. So when she began to blast Maytag on Twitter I knew there had to be more to the story – that this wasn’t Heather blowing hot air for no reason. When she explained the situation it was obvious that she had given Maytag an appropriate amount of time to fix the problem and indeed they eventually provided her with proper customer service.

Would a large company respond to our blog post or Tweets? Absolutely not. However, they should respond. I agree with Heather that we all should complain as loudly as we can when a company violates our consumer trust. Perhaps we won’t get satisfaction but Maytag warranted being embarrassed publicly and they were. The truth is more companies deserve that kind of public lambasting and as mommy-bloggers I feel that is part of our responsibility.

Mommy-blogging has suddenly become over run with writers who are more interested in wooing sponsors than being truly honest about their products. When all product reviews and discussions that you see on blogs are positive, well, it sort of dilutes the purpose and value of those opinions. Heather was honest. She used her powers for good (both by getting her own problem fixed and by getting appliances donated to a woman’s shelter). And trust me, if we all had that power when somebody screwed us, we would wield it without regret.

Uncategorized

What People Are Talking About

August 25, 2009 blogobeth 8 Comments

Hopefully these answers will clear up some questions I’ve been receiving lately.

1.) When is the baby due?

The official due date is February 21st, which also happens to be Lucy’s birthday. I’m not too worried about this date since Lucy was born 3 1/2 weeks early and Max was born 2 1/2 weeks early. I figure this baby will be 1 1/2 weeks early which should put it’s birthday at around February 11th.

2.) Wasn’t Max born January 28th? and Lucy February 21st? What are you guys doing in the spring?

Yes, well, we didn’t plan it that way. Apparently David and I always have sex on the same day. Or perhaps it is spring fever. I have no idea. I cannot explain it.

3.) I thought you had decided to not have any other kids.

You would be correct we had — sort of. Although intellectually we didn’t want any more and emotionally we were scared to have any more, I think our hearts always wanted another. I think Walt Disney said it best; “a dream is a wish your heart makes”. And so our dream came true.

4.) Didn’t you sell your crib?

Yes, and every other baby item we owned. We have no bottles, bibs, burp cloths, clothes, rattles, toys, high chair, stroller, etc. You name it, we got rid of it. We are starting all over again. Do I feel stupid? Yes. This would be a great time for Target to sponsor me in order to promote their baby registry. Or perhaps Graco. Anybody? Anybody?

5.) Bottles? You’re not breastfeeding.

My stressful and terrible experience with breastfeeding has been documented. Yes, you may now call CPS because of all the horrifying and abusive things I do to my children apparently not breastfeeding is the worst of these. I am happy to report that my children are very bright and have not contracted any major illnesses since birth. When my choices are bleeding nipples and a mother having a nervous breakdown or a calm mother sweetly bottle feeding into the wee hours of the morning. Well, sanity always wins for me. I know – I’m selfish.

Oh, and I’m desperate for a good bottle recommendation since I no longer know what to get. We used Avent last time, but honestly I had issues with those bottles so I’d like to go with a different brand.

6.) Will you continue to teach?

This is the million dollar question. Ideally I’d like to continue to teach online through the pregnancy and delivery. Okay, not WHILE I’m delivering, but you get the idea. However, that is a tough schedule to get for a part-time faculty member. I’ve requested it – whether I get it or not is quite another thing.

7.) Are you scared?

Amazingly, no. As a matter of fact in contrast to my previous two pregnancies I have not felt this overwhelming desire to start planning everything down to the color of the baby’s eyes. No, I’ve been far more relaxed this time. I feel like I have all the time in the world – even though I know I don’t. Honestly there are many days when I forget that I’m even pregnant (that is until I belch vomit into my mouth). I feel confident that God will provide, that the answers will be there, that things will happen according to a plan that is not my own. Ask me again in November. I’m sure by then my type-A personality will be back and I’ll be in full panic mode.

8.) What do the kids think?

They have been wonderful. They are both very excited and frequently will pull things out of the closet and say “this would be a good thing for the baby”. Max set aside all of his old clothes for the baby and Lucy is busy coming up with names. Her most recent suggestion was Ava and Max’s was Joanio.

Hopefully that clears up any outstanding questions. Feel free to send me links to any cool baby stores, or baby websites. It has been so long since I’ve had to think about baby stuff that I feel lost. What P

Family Life

Who Does the Dishes In Your House?

August 20, 2009 blogobeth 2 Comments

David and I recently got into a conversation about daily chores. I jokingly asked him; “what do you think I do during the day?” I was truly expecting him to have absolutely no idea and although he missed some of the small things he did grasp the big picture. He quickly rattled off, “you do the laundry, all the grocery shopping, cooking, and everything to do with the kids from dressing them to planning their school days”. He left out some of the smaller things like dishes, trash, cleaning the house, buying presents for birthdays, planning family gatherings, etc, etc but I was actually impressed that he recognized as much as he did.

David has a very demanding job that requires that he be out of the house from 8AM to 7PM. There just isn’t a lot of time during the day or weekends for him to “help out”. As a result this is how we divide the work load:

David:

Pays bills & money management
Car & home maintenance
Lawn care

Beth:

Everything else
Hires housekeeper to clean house

For some people this may seem unfair, but most of the time this arrangement works just fine. David and I have pretty good communication skills so when one of us needs more help we ask for it. For instance, I’ve already begun asking for more help in the evenings. I’m pregnant and tired and the evening demands of the kids is are hard on me.

This now makes me curious – how do you divide the workload in your house? or do you? Do you strive for everything to be equal? Have you sat down to make a list? Is this a chronic source of tension in your marriage or have you come to peace on this issue? I’ve read in several places that household chores is one of the most common problems married couples face (next to sex and money). I’m always fascinated how other couples navigate this tricky ground. Seriously, how do you split up the work?

Kids, Uncategorized

New Horizons

August 20, 2009 blogobeth Leave a comment

From early on David and I decided against sending our kids to preschool. David comes from a bevy of educators who have all told us again and again that preschool is not necessary. That society has created this feeling of urgency to shove kids into school at too young of an age and that anything our kids would learn at preschool they could comfortabley learn at home. These people are experts. These are people who have spent more time reading, studying and learning about early childhood development than I could ever imagine knowing in my entire lifetime. No problem.

Lucy has either been home with me or with a nanny from the day she was born. She has spent her mornings tumbling out of bed, shuffling around her pj’s and drinking chocolate milk like a drunk sailor. Over the years I have carefully tracked her development against what is expected of kindergarten age children and indeed Lucy has always met or exceeded developmental milestones — except for scissors. Our first note from Lucy’s kindergarten teacher was to let us know that for a five year old Lucy was really lacking in her scissor skills. OH MY GOSH MY DAUGHTER WILL NEVER SUCCEED IN LIFE BECAUSE SHE CAN’T CUT ON A STRAIGHT LINE!!! For the record, I have always supremely sucked at cut and paste and I’m assuming that Lucy has inherited this apparent lack of scissor skills from me.

We had a nanny lined up at the beginning of the summer for Max but this person fell through and I had to start the search for a new care-giver. We ended re-hiring a former nanny and this seemed like a perfect resolution. Max would continue to stay at home, like his sister, and be cared for by the same person who nurtured Lucy. Two weeks before the school year was to start for me that person informed us that she couldn’t do it. I was screwed. Two weeks is not nearly enough time to find a quality nanny. We were left with few options. We enrolled Max into preschool.

Yesterday was Max’s first day of preschool. My anxiety and self-doubt as a parent over this decision is bottomless. I have never second-guessed and questioned a parenting decision as much as I have this one. David dropped Max at preschool yesterday. David was filled with trepidation and viewed all the people at the school with a cynical eye. Max, after a brief moment of shyness and tears, quickly settled down and never looked back. When I eagerly picked him up he was cheerful and excitedly told me about his new friends.

This is the ultimate truth about parenting; kids are usually ready for new challenges and experiences long before their parents are ready. I can justify and explain this decision all day but it still won’t make me feel any better.

Personal

Do I At Least Get Cake?

August 17, 2009 blogobeth 5 Comments

Today is my birthday. I’m turning 39, which feels about as depressing as turning 17. Seventeen was only mildly better than 27. What all these ages have in common is being just shy of any major milestone. At 17 you’ve been able to drive for at least a year but still can’t vote or be considered an adult. At 27 you’re definitely out of your “wild” twenties but not old enough to be taken seriously by anybody worthwhile. At 39 you are just old enough to realize that you are no longer young but not old enough to embrace your age as a sign of progress and success. In other words, nobody throws a big bash for turning 39. I have no special plans, and don’t expect any big surprises. I suspect this day will pass as most days pass with me raising my children, preparing for class and picking up army men off of the floor for the 1, 261st time.

This week my thoughts are more preoccupied with why the world of advertising takes pride in the fact that it doesn’t even try to acknowledge work/life balance and instead is boastful about their employees working 24 hour shifts? Being raised by a management expert this was frequently referred to as poor resource and time management not “trying to do the best work possible” because after all don’t we all do our best work between the hours of 3-4 in the morning? I’m scouring recipe books trying to figure out what I can possibly send in Lucy’s lunchbox that doesn’t include peanut butter, look like a sandwich and isn’t just turkey. As of now she will be eating turkey rolls everyday until she branches out. I’m torn up about deciding to send my baby to preschool – a choice we did not make for Lucy. Is it the right thing to do? Is he ready? Am I taking the easy route? I’m sick with the fact that my school year starts on Monday where I will be using a new textbook. A textbook that I didn’t choose, I haven’t read and yet I’m expected to write a lesson plan for by Monday. In the meantime I’m behind on every household chore possible and I have chronic acid reflux which makes me feel like I’m on the verge of vomit during most of the day.

This is 39.

Happy Birthday me.

Family Life, Kids

A Brand New Day

August 12, 2009 blogobeth 2 Comments

When you become a parent for the first time you are overwhelmed by a wave of understanding. You are flooded with the biggest “aha” moment of your life. Your parents weren’t as crazy as you thought they were. However, this deeper understanding of your parents behavior and action doesn’t end when your child is born. No, it continues to drip and dribble as you have new experiences with your own children.

Today was Lucy’s first day of school. I have been anticipating this day since she was born. I have spent a laborious amount of time researching and educating myself about schools, curriculums and the best option for my sweet, tender, shy, gentle little girl. I felt confident in our choice and knew that she would blossom in the environment we selected. Although Lucy was eager to go to school this morning she had the appropriate amount of anxiety. She chatted nervously in the car and as I walked her to the front door of her classroom she squeezed my hand a little tighter. The teacher swung the door open and Lucy easily fell into the routine and walked off without looking back.

I almost made it to the car before bursting into tears. I sobbed uncontrollably, my breathing coming fast and in bursts. As I sat there trying to regain my composure I talked to myself. “She’s fine. She’s totally fine. You’ve done the right thing. This is the best thing for her. ” I took deep breaths and felt my body start to relax. “It won’t be like this with Max. Max WANTS to go, he can’t wait to go. It is harder because Lucy doesn’t want to go. She’s scared.” Pow! And just like that a flash of understanding.

How many times did my mother put on a stoic and strong exterior for me as she pushed me into my own life? How many times did she cry silently knowing that she was doing the right thing for me even though I was scared? How many times did I mistake her lack of emotion as not caring or disinterest in my own fears?

Suddenly I no longer knew what I was crying about. Was I crying because I was sad to see my little girl leave? Or was I crying out of acknowledgement of my own mother’s emotional sacrifice that had been ignored for so long? Or was it just because I’m pregnant and emotional?

When parents discuss what children bring to their lives they talk about the texture and richness. It is hard to explain and that is because it is multi-faceted. Children allow you to explore and discover the world all over again. They are a mirror holding you accountable for all of your behavior (both good and bad). They are also your personal teachers, showing you your own life in a new and unexpected perspective. The irony to being a parent is that the days and events that impact YOU the most are rarely the ones your children remember with any kind of significance. For Lucy today was just the day she started school and for me it marked an emotional epiphany.