Well, it is that time of year when holiday letters and family Christmas notes start pouring into my mailbox.  Although I look forward to seeing the little shiny cards with news of friends far away, I can’t help but notice some disturbing grammatical problems with these letters.  I thought I would feature one of the most popular posts I have ever written; Tips to Writing a Great Holiday Newsletter.  I’ve re-posted the entire article here for your convenience.

TIPS TO WRITING A GREAT HOLIDAY NEWSLETTER (originally posted on November 28, 2008)

As we plow into the holiday season I feel a desire to provide some helpful tips when it comes to writing that Christmas letter. As an English teacher I find these little treasures to actually be time bombs of irritation awaiting me in my mailbox. This year I plan to circumvent this problem by telling you the things you absolutely should NEVER do.

#1 (and this is a biggie) DO NOT WRITE IN THIRD PERSON
Let me give you an example; “Bob is so excited at his new job and Sally is involved in the PTA this year”. Who the hell is writing the letter? The cat? Obviously somebody is writing and if it isn’t the two adults in the house than who is it? And don’t switch back and forth. For example; “I’m so proud of Bob’s new promotion this year and I know he will be happy. Sally is heavily involved in the PTA and I’m glad she has found an outlet for her creativity.” So now you are taking turns typing? Of course not. Somebody is writing this letter so decide who it is and stick with it.

#2 How To Share Good News and Not Brag
Let’s just pretend your son really did win the Nobel Peace Prize.Of course you are proud of him – any mother would be. However, you don’t want to make everybody else reading this either hate you or resent you for telling them. When sharing some piece of amazing news humble this news with some mundane thing that the person fails miserably at. For example, “We are so proud of John winning the Nobel Peace Prize this year but we sure wish he would learn how to pick up the phone and call once in awhile” or “Steve has been lucky to discover the cure for Cancer this year but too bad he can’t also cure his chronic flatulence problem”. See where I’m going with this? This is also true when talking about yourself. You might say something like, “I’ve really enjoyed feeding the homeless this year. Unfortunately my family has taken to showing up in the soup line because I’m never home long enough to feed them.” This will put your reader at ease and allow them to both respect your accomplishment and to know that you aren’t trying to compete

#3 Including Photographs
Unless the person is related or is close enough to be considered a relation a photograph of your growing child is not necessary. Truly, what am I supposed to do with these photos? Save them forever? What is the appropriate amount of time to hold on to said picture prior to disposal? 1 month? 1 year? 1 day? Don’t put that kind of guilt on me.

#4 Keep It Brief
No more than one page in a 11 point font or larger. Unless you have traveled to the moon, solved World Peace, or discovered a new country, one page is more than sufficient space. I would love to know how your family is doing but I’m not really interested in a 2008 recap that rivals a PBS documentary. This means stick to the highlights; births, deaths, graduations, new jobs/loss of job, new house/loss of house, pets, major childhood accomplishments (this can be anything from walking to rehab), divorce or marriage. If ALL of these things happened in your life in one year well – take a Prozac and then focus on the good stuff. It’s Christmas man, don’t bring me down.

I hope this helps you and guides you as you try to communicate the events of 2008 to your friends and family. Honestly, I really am looking forward to your Christmas letter so please send it soon.

Have I mentioned that I’m having a baby? Because suddenly as I enter the third trimester I’m reaching the “oh shit” moment in my pregnancy.  What having two other children teaches you is that having a baby is like inviting a nuclear bomb to explode into your life. It doesn’t get easier or smoother it just gets exponentially more challenging. So now as I stare down the barrel of this new baby’s arrival I can’t believe I thought this was a good idea. My anxiety level has reached epic proportions and outside of planning my own wedding this is the only time I can remember having panic attacks.

If you’ve never had a panic attack let me enlighten you on the feeling.  First, your heart starts racing for apparently no reason at all. Then, you feel as if you can’t breathe.  This is quickly followed by the emotional reaction of wanting to run away. On top of this I can’t sleep (which is why I’m writing this at 5 in the morning).  It would be easy to blame all of this on the baby but there is so much more to this picture. Let’s take a walk down memory lane and review how I ended up in this situation:

1.) Two weeks before this semester started in August I lost my nanny and quickly had to make the decision to put Max in preschool. This put me in the position of having had both kids home to both kids in school and with it the cascade of parties, homework, fund-raisers, etc that I never saw coming.

2.) Ten days before the beginning of class I was given a new textbook to use.  A textbook I had never seen before and would now need to write an entirely new syllabus around.  A textbook that I would later realize had little to no actual content in it and put me in a position of having to be constantly re-writing my syllabus, schedule and homework assignments.

3.) I lost the benefit of having a part-time nanny at home who could help with things like laundry and dishes. Instead I gained the additional responsibilities of homework time with the kids, and making sure uniforms were cleaned on time and packing lunches.

4.) Being pregnant I lost my ability to grade late into the evening because of my sheer physical exhaustion and so I quickly fell behind in grading.

5.) A student population this semester who seemed to need more hand-holding, more care, more time, more tutoring, etc, etc

6.) I’M HAVING A BABY!

Oh, and if that wasn’t enough, as I slide into finals week we put a bid on a new house which was accepted.  That is right, we’re moving over the holidays (well, as soon as we sell our house).  And we all know what the holidays entail; presents and cards and cookie making and an avalanche of school projects and parties for the kids.

And at night, as I collapse into bed the drama really begins. My sleep is plagued with vivid pregnancy dreams of early labor, forgetting my lecture notes or even worse, forgetting my baby.  The dreams are merely nighttime symptoms of the anxiety I feel during the day.  The dreams fade and I’m left tired and awake at 3:00 in the morning after only 5 hours of sleep.  I complain to my doctor who tells me I’m doing too much. But how do you scale back life? And it is not as if I can ask for help. I mean, it is not as if somebody can come in and do my kids’ homework assignments, or take them to the eye doctor for me, or schedule Max’s tonsillectomy or pack my house.

I’m drowning — in responsibilities, in fear, in anxiety, in excitement, in anticipation, in life.

Let me introduce you to the most stubborn child in the world. I’ve learned over the last four years to not try to fight the power that is my stubborn son.  He is a Callaway – which means once his mind is made up there is no persuading him.  However, David, my sweet tender husband still believes that somehow he is in charge and that he can force his will upon the natural force of his son.  Let me present this example.

Max has been fighting a cold.  Nothing serious but it has resulted in a deep, wet cough that requires the intake of regular cough medicine.  Although Max has normally been willing to take his medicine this time around every dose has been an argument. Since most over-the-counter medications only marginally help I don’t fight him. If he doesn’t want to take it – don’t take it. However, he is not sleeping well at night and it has started to become imperative that he take it prior to bed time. This evening as I presented him with his tiny 1 tsp dose he instantly cranked up the tears and tantrum.  I shouted to David for suggestions on how to force a 3 year old to swallow something he doesn’t want to swallow.  David bolted into the bathroom prepared to show me how a man would take charge of this tiny tot’s tantrum.  I silently giggled.

Attempt #1

David threatens Max with instant bed time and no more video games if he doesn’t swallow his medicine.  Max presses the plastic cup to his mouth, squishing his nose and squirting tears at an alarming rate. He opens his mouth and as he pours the syrup into his mouth he turns his head sideways so all the medicine pours directly out and into the sink.

Attempt #2

David cranks up the threats with spanks and the inability to play xBox if he doesn’t swallow his medicine. Max refuses. He will neither hold the cup nor attempt to swallow it.  Tears are flowing freely and Max is trying to hide his face.  David forcefully tilts his head back and pours the medicine into his mouth.  Max holds the medicine in his mouth and then tilts his head forward and lets it all spill into the sink. (Did I mention that this medicine costs $10 a bottle?)

Attempt #3

David is exasperated but feeling as stubborn as Max.  I, on the other hand, am laughing. I am so amazingly impressed with my son’s strong will and my husband’s inability to see that he is losing this battle on all fronts. David grabs Max’s head, tilts it backwards, pours the medicine in his mouth and starts shouting at him to SWALLOW!  Max eventually surrenders and swallows the medicine although tears are everywhere and snot is pouring down his nose.  David leaves the bathroom triumphantly and Max is left crying to his sister, “Daddy made me take medicine.”

And people wonder why I’m hesitant to have his tonsils removed.  You know why? Because if there is one kid in this world who will refuse to take in liquids regardless of how thirsty or how yummy the drink offered is it will be my son.  The good news is that I can’t imagine trying to peer pressure him into doing ANYTHING.