Family Life, Kids

Milestones

5 Comments

Max bolted out of the car. His mess of brown curls bouncing on his head as his tiny feet propelled him to the glass doorway.  I quickly followed, pushing the stroller with Harper’s tiny head bobbing back and forth in the seat.  As the glass doors glided open I took a deep breath and reminded Max that he was to be quiet while inside.  He nodded trying to look serious but his excitement was barely contained.  We had already discussed the importance of visiting the fish tank before we took care of our official business and so we made our way over to the wall where it stood.

Max pointed out the large goldfish to Harper and discussed the merits of the blue stones versus the purple stones that filled the bottom of the tank. We pointed and watched the fish as they silently glided back and forth oblivious to our presence.  Max looked up at me and I asked him if he was ready and he nodded.

We walked to the long, tall counter that had a single woman standing behind it.  Her quiet face and long brown hair peeking over the top. “May I help you?”  Max shimmied up next to me and looked up, unsure of how to answer. “Yes Ma’am, we are here for a library card.” She stared down at Max “Are you five years old sweetie?” Max nodded as a big grin split across his face. The woman quickly brightened up and handed me a small form, “okay Mom, just fill this out, make sure he signs it and when you are ready to check out bring it back with you.  He is allowed seven books for his first visit”.

Max and I completed the short form with him purposefully signing his name at the bottom and then we headed for the shelves of books.  Oh, the possibilities were endless.  Snakes, spaceships, Star Wars,  Spiderman, he wanted them all and yet didn’t want to waste a single selection on something he might not like. In the end we settled on two Star Wars books, a Spiderman, a book on snakes and a story book about pandas.  We placed our books on the counter with the form and waited as the librarian gently scanned each book and then issued Max his library card.

Max skipped out of the library and as we got back in the car he asked me “can I look at my books RIGHT NOW mama?” I gently handed him his bag of books and climbed into the front seat.  As I watched him pour over his selections I realized that the day he gets his driver’s license could not possibly be any better than the day he got his library card.

 

 

Kids

Play Time

1 Comment

From the time Lucy was old enough to talk she had no patience for make believe play. She didn’t understand the purpose of dress-up and didn’t know why you would make dolls talk when obviously they cannot.  If a vivid imagination is a sign of genius then I’m not quite sure what to say about Lucy’s intellectual abilities.

Max, on the contrary, has always had a robust imaginary world. He can spend hours with a handful of army men and a couch. He has perfected the sound effects, different voices and all the accouterments that come with pretend play.  His stuffed friends get sick and need help, his bed is a pirate ship one day and a space ship the next. The conflict emerges when these two worlds collide:

Max: “Freddy bear is sick and so I put a bandage on him”

Lucy: “Does he have bones?”

Max: “yes”

Lucy: “If he does then why is he filled with fluff?”

Max: (frustrated) “cuz he does!!”

Max feels the need to play in private, away from the judging eyes of his sister who has little understanding or willingness to go along with his imaginary world. And then came Harper.

Harper, at the small age of one, LOVES her baby dolls.  She holds her baby and quietly whispers; “baby”.  She gives kisses and gentle touches and carries her baby doll around the house.  Her imaginary world has already begun and now Lucy – always the dominant player in the house – is on the outside.  Her baby brother and sister happily exist in an imaginary world that Lucy doesn’t understand. A place where baby dolls have babies for mothers.  In this moment of vulnerability Lucy sweetly asked me; “Mommy, when you were little did you play house?” and I honestly replied, “No”. As relief washed over her a smile spread across her lips and she said “I don’t like to play house either”.  In that small moment of confidence Lucy recognized that perhaps I’m the only one who understands.

Kids

I Set You Free

Leave a comment

Dear Lucy,

I’m writing you this letter because at some point  you are going to turn to me and say in the bitter voice of a teenager; “I’m NOT responsible for Max”.  You’re not responsible for Max. I know this. I’ve always known this.  However, I want you to understand what seven year old Lucy is like and why you might feel that way in the future.

You have always taken it upon yourself to take care of and watch after your brother.  We’ve NEVER asked you to do this, you have always just done it.  You have willingly given up toys, time, food, and favorite things to keep him happy. You share your bed, your treats, your candy, and your time with mommy and daddy  without prompting. YOU have chosen to be responsible for your brother. YOU have chosen to correct his wrong behavior, run to his side when he needs help, pour him his milk, help him get dressed and teach him his alphabet.

Your need to care and protect Max hit a fever pitch after he was admitted to the hospital at age 3 due to rotavirus.  He went to the doctor and didn’t come back – and neither did Mommy – for three days.  Although we have explained to you many, many times that his illness was not serious and that it is unlikely that would happen again you still seem rather concerned for your brother’s overall health, safety and well being.

I want you to know now – right now – that you are free to let go of that responsibility whenever you choose.  You are NOT responsible for your brother’s happiness and/or well being.  He is his own individual person and is fully capable of achieving his own happiness without you constantly reminding him of his failures to obey the rules or how he should be more safe.  He does not need you telling him that fairy tales aren’t real, that sharks don’t live in his bedroom carpet or that he shouldn’t drink his milk too fast.

You cannot keep him safe. It is not your job. Love him. Be his friend, but leave the mothering and worrying to me.  I release you.

Kids

Little Me

Leave a comment

I never understood peer pressure.  David often tells me that my immunity to peer pressure is my “super power” a quality that makes me invincible.  I never cared enough what other people thought or frankly felt the need to belong bad enough that peer pressure ever affected me. As a matter of fact the more somebody pushed me to do something the less likely I was to do it — I’m still this way.  It infuriates David because I cannot be cajoled or persuaded to do anything that I fundamentally don’t want to do.  Our ongoing feud about my refusal to drink coffee with him will be an argument that our children will be talking about years after we both die.  David insists and I resist.

I’ve always been rather proud of this characteristic. I suppose I’ve always felt that it was a sign of my personal strength and confidence.  David has always thought that it was more a reflection of my pride and stubbornness. Either way, it is a quality that has served me well and I have no intention of shedding it any time soon — that is until today.

Lucy has a lose tooth.  When I say “lose” I mean she has a tooth that is defying physics by continuing to be lodged in her mouth.  We cannot seem to figure out how this tooth has managed to stay in for as long as it has.  She refuses to pull it.  She refuses to let us pull it.  This morning as the five of us were lazily sprawled on the couch I declared with authority “Lucy, pull that tooth today!!” David, quickly chimed in with his booming Daddy voice, “YES, YES, PULL THE TOOTH!!” We were trying to achieve a sort of festive momentum that would propel her into yanking the tooth out before she swallowed it by accident.  Lucy, feeling the pressure of family scurried into a corner and yelled “I CANNOT BE TALKED INTO PULLING MY TOOTH!! AS LONG AS YOU KEEP ASKING ME I WON’T DO IT!!”  and then silence.

I threw my head back and roared with laughter.  God is funny.

Teaching/School

Age Of Accountability

Leave a comment

Recently the New York Times ran an article describing an incident where two young children ran into an 80+ year old woman on their bicycles.  The children were 4 and 5 years old and are being sued.  These toddlers on training wheels are being held accountable for their reckless actions.  I think we can all agree that a 4 & 5 year old should not be sued – possibly their parents, but that is another story.  What is the age for accountability and why are we as a society so inconsistent?

Why are we quick to hold a 4 year old responsible for running into an old woman on her bike, but scared of holding a 14 year old responsible for doing his homework? We hide behind this notion that if we fail a 14 year old he/she will feel “discouraged” and will quit trying.  You know, that might be true.  Life is hard.  And if this 14 year old doesn’t have the internal spirit to overcome failing out of 9th grade and still succeeding in life than I doubt he will magically gain it by the time he is 18 and in my classroom.

Kids

Lucy’s Greatest Hits

Leave a comment

Lucy: You’re the tooth fairy aren’t you Mommy?

Me: What makes you think that?

Lucy: Well, Tinker Bell is a fairy and she isn’t real. So, fairies aren’t real. So, the tooth fairy isn’t real

******

Lucy: I’m glad we live where we live

Me: why?

Lucy: because nobody is poor here. Daddy works and makes money and I’m glad we’re not poor

Me: Yes, we’re very lucky

Lucy: yeah, that is why I don’t want to grow up

Me: why?

Lucy: Well, it doesn’t look like fun. I don’t want to go to school and teach people stuff all day

Me: Well, you don’t have to be a teacher like mommy – you can be anything

Lucy: I don’t want to be anything. I don’t want to work

*******

Lucy: What is a miracle?

Me: a miracle is something only God can do

Lucy: How did Jesus get into heaven with God?

Me: Well, that is one of those things that we just don’t know

Lucy: How could God bring Jesus to heaven if he doesn’t have any hands?

Me: I don’t know

Lucy: I KNOW!! God sent a bunch of little mice with wings and they carried Jesus up to heaven.

*******

Lucy praying: “Dear God, thank you for all of our things. That you for this food that Mommy has made. And please let us have our baby and don’t make it die. Amen”

*******

Lucy: Do you know the opposite of bacon Daddy?

David: No, what is it?

Lucy: pig

********

“Do people become bad because they can’t find their shoes?”

*******

“When I grow up I want to be like God”

*******

“Daddy isn’t fat the food is”

Family Life

Working Mom

Leave a comment

Three hours into the eight hour flight and I could feel the vomit starting to rise up in my throat. I thought about the fact that the plane was over Nova Scotia, and that seemed comforting to me. We had crossed the ocean and it was literally down hill to Dallas.  I cornered the stewardess and in hushed tones explained the situation; “I’m ten weeks pregnant and I’m fighting off morning sickness. Is there ANY food on this plane that I might be able to have in order to keep my stomach preoccupied?”  The stewardess, seeing the distress and desperation in my eyes, quickly conceded that indeed first class had pizzas and she would see if she could get me one.  As the plane started its decent into Dallas and I faced an hour commute home and then another three days left in my work week I thought to myself; “this is not how I envisioned motherhood”.

I’ve relayed that story hundreds of times to people explaining my decision to quit my high-paying job in media and stay home with my kids.  When David and I made that decision we knew it was temporary.  I would stay home until we could no longer afford it, or until the kids were in school.  We made that decision in 2006.  Four years later and I’ve faced some surprises and revelations about working and being a mom.

#1: I Missed Working

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t miss my job.  Not for one second have I missed sitting in meetings, listening to whining clients or having to fly off to some city at a moments notice.  Nope – never missed it.  What I did miss was the constant affirmation of my self-worth that I received from working.  People valued my opinion, my intellect and my abilities.  I spent years complaining to David that he didn’t appreciate what I did at home, but the truth is that I was the one that wasn’t valuing my new job at home.  I craved the feedback that a job brings – not the financial affirmation (although sure that is part of it), but the psychological affirmation of my self worth.

#2 Working Moms Need Help

The only reason why I was ever able to work before or now is because of the help and assistance that I PAY FOR.  Once I returned to part-time work (and recently back to full-time) we have had nannies.  I cannot say enough about the amazing women we have been lucky enough to bless our home.  I’ve written about Micki before (our current nanny) and indeed Mary Poppins has nothing on Micki. This woman is the wife that every working mother needs.  I tell her at least once a week that I don’t pay her enough for all the help that she provides and indeed there is not enough money to compensate somebody for loving and caring for your children as much as you do. I would never tell anybody how much she does for me or they might try to steal her away.  But let’s be honest, I can be super mom because of Micki – she makes me look good at every corner.

#3 The Right Job Makes A Difference

It was almost unimaginable to leave Lucy at home and return to work. I liked working in advertising but after I had kids the whole business suddenly seemed silly and pointless to me. I was working for the very industry that in some regards I wanted to protect my kids from. I don’t know, I couldn’t justify what I was doing at work versus what I COULD have been doing at home.  However, when I started teaching everything fell into place.  I LOVE my job and when I leave my house my mind easily focuses on my “kids” at work.  They have my undivided attention and care.  When I’m home my real kids have my attention.  Plus, I have a job that affords me the flexibility to leave and pick Lucy up from school or run a child to the doctor’s office if I need to do that.  All of these things add up to an ideal work situation.  If you don’t LOVE your job it makes leaving and being away from your kids so much more difficult.

#4 It Is Always About The Sacrifice

We all make sacrifices for motherhood. As a working mom I made the sacrifice of not being around for my kids but as a stay-at-home mom I made the sacrifice of patience and at times personal happiness.  Teaching has allowed me to have the right amount of everything.  I’m working and using my brain which brings me personal affirmation and happiness, but at 2:30 I’m done and I get to pick my kids up from school and be a mom.  This is a hard balance to strike and I recognize how lucky I am that I have found this balance in my own life.

At this point I’ve been on every side of the fence; full-time working mom, full-time stay at home mom, part-time working mom, etc  What I’ve learned from all of these variations is to be flexible.  Different stages of life require different combination of work/life balance.  At certain times I needed to be home and at other times I’ve needed to work.  There is no easy answer and no side of the fence is greener.

Uncategorized

Harper

Leave a comment

It suddenly occurred to me that I have told you nothing about Harper since she was born. I’ve kvetched, I’ve whined, I’ve complained, I’ve cried but I’ve said nothing about Harper the person outside of the fact that she exited my womb.

Well, here she is at not quite 8 months old:

While pregnant with Harper I used to feel this uncontrollable urge to giggle when I thought about her. At times I thought it was just a “girl thing” but as her delivery date drew closer I began to realize that it was her – she was going to be funny.  Indeed my little Harper loves to laugh. Her giggles come easy and often.  Like her older sister she is laid back, easy going and takes the world in stride.  My mother used to say that “God gives you the children you deserve” and I must say she’s right.  Lucy was a very easy infant which was good because I was fairly certain I was going to kill her with my stupidity.  Max was challenging but that was because of my over confidence in my mothering abilities, and Harper, well, Harper is happy.  Considering the tumultuous and at many times flat out depressing year we’ve been having at the Casa de Morley Harper has been a welcome breeze. Her easy laughter and quick smiles have continued to be the best part of 2010.