One of the hardest things I face as a college professor are young, teen mothers. When I meet them they are in one of two places; pregnant and blissfully excited or with a preschool aged child, single and determined. I waiver between wanting to lecture these girls or take them home with me.
The pregnant ones break my heart. They are passionately “in love” with their boyfriend whom they “know” will stand by them after the baby is born. However, when I look into their eyes they don’t know about the bomb that is about to detonate in their life. Some of them have a plan, but unfortunately, most don’t. Some of them have parents supporting them, but most are on their own. Disappointed, disgusted and dazed parents who in order to express their displeasure have forced the girl into being dependent on the one guy who probably does not have her best interests at heart. Many of them think that they will continue to go to school after the baby, or work, or both. So I find myself with three precious months to do the best I can to tell them, warn them, and prepare them for motherhood. How do you do that?
A nineteen year old is ill prepared to understand the depth that they will need to give in order to be a mother. It is not the obvious (sleepless nights) but the lack of energy, focus, time, money that is more subversive. When I hear these girls tell me, so confidently, “I’m only taking one semester off for the baby and then I’m coming back”. Yeah. That was like me telling the dentist that I would come back for those x-rays right after Lucy was born. Hmm, that was also the last time I saw a dentist – any dentist – in 2003. This is not to say that somehow when you get older you magically understand the depth of motherhood. You don’t. You bring that first baby home and it launches its own “shock and awe” campaign. Nobody can truly describe motherhood.
I recently was talking to one of my students who poignantly phrased it like this; “I mean, I want to have kids, but like, you have to give your WHOLE life to them. I don’t think I’m ready for that.” Yep, your WHOLE life and at nineteen you haven’t lived enough of your life to even know what it is you’re giving. A couple of semesters ago I had a young girl, pregnant, unmarried, working at Blockbuster making $7 an hour. She was working 40 hours a week because she needed the money to pay for rent, food, etc. However, all that time at work combined with pregnancy fatigue gave her little time to do her schoolwork. She was failing. When I asked her what her plans were after the baby was born, she shrugged her shoulders. I lie awake at night thinking about her. How will she survive? How will she support her child? When will the cycle be broken?
As a society we have failed these girls. Our men have failed these girls. Fathers who neglected their daughters create young girls desperate for affection. Societal messages that support and condone premarital sex, combined with a sex education system that half the time doesn’t know what it is supposed to be doing, leaves these girls poorly armed to make good decisions. I understand that teenagers have, and will continue to have, sex before marriage. This is not a modern phenomenon. Unfortunately I think all the lectures and finger pointing has always gone in the direction of the girls – the girls who must live with the consequences of these decisions. Why are we not equally shaking our fingers at the boys? Where is the societal pressure and displeasure at the boys? Why are we not holding our boys and men more accountable for THEIR choices? Why are we not raising our boys to feel more responsibility, to honor and protect women and not “get what they can get”?
As a mother, and a teacher, I’m sad for these girls. What will their future be like? What will the future of their children be like? Perhaps ignorance is bliss and they will be gleefully happy because they don’t know what they’ve missed. I can only hope.
What a great thing you are doing working with these young girls and being a great role model for them. This subject is actually something I am quite passionate about; although, I have not gone out into the community to advocate that passion. I totally agree that young men need to step up and be responsible for any child they create. We as a society truly have dropped the ball in this area.
I feel so strongly that we as mothers need to teach our daughters that they can be someone who stands on their own. Not that men are bad because they are not, they are wonderful! Our daughters need to know who they are and that they are strong enough without a boy to hang on.
Seriously, my daughter when she was in 8th grade came crying to me that all of her friends had boyfriends and wondered what was wrong with her. I told her she was perfect and to just keep being herself. Playing sports, getting an education, enjoying your friends. The boys will come in due time and you do not NEED a boy to complete you at this time.
We as mothers also need to be open and honest about sex with our girls. My stance has always been: if you mess around and get pregnant; you will NOT be keeping the baby, and I will not raise it for you. There are amazing family’s hoping and praying for a child in their home.
Sorry about the novel, but yes, I am passionate about creating strong, beautiful young ladies. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
It is a sad thing. I’m grateful because I was born to a 16yr old who had supportive people in her life. She was rare, she surpassed all the odds against her and has her masters degree. I am about to graduate with my bachelors. We did it. But statistically speaking most of these girls will barely finish, if they finish, junior college and their kids many times will follow in their footsteps as far as education level and income level. It is a difficult thing to understand – keep being supportive to them because that is what they need most! 🙂
great post
Tami: I love your passion. Having these girls in my class was not something I anticipated when I started teaching. As a mother I cannot stand by and do nothing. I try to help, but so many times I’m forced to walk away, not knowing if they will survive. So much of this has to do with how we educate our children about sex, and unfortunately we cannot rely on parents to do this in their own homes
Micki: Your personality would never have allowed failure. You are a woman of determination and destiny. Nothing can stop you.
Let me review history a little. It was decided shortly after WW II that marriage was difficult and divorce should be easier, then it was made even essier as divorce became no fault, and finally why bother with the marriage at all? Any stigman attached to “living in sin” was erased as was any societal condemnation of divorce. This wasn’t enough, we moved on to the school system where students were declared having constitutional rights that prevented the schools from enforcing any discipline, expelling any student, or acting as anything other than a baby sitter. Any effort at education has eroded into schools becoming centers of politically correct indoctrination. As part of this we start sex education as soon as possible making sure that all children know as much about sex and sexual activity as possible prior to entering puberty. Then we are astonished because the students want to move from research to application. Boys are no longer provided any male role models because the dad’s never married the moms and generally are totally absent. The male role models are found in professional sports and hip hop performers. None of whom can speak English other than Anglo-Saxon and certainly don’t provide any semblance of personal responsibility. The anti-war activists won the war on the draft so society no longer has the military to fall back on to teach boys anything about responsibility or honor. Indulgent parents went to court to win all of these “rights” for themselves and their chldren and now have left it up to everyone else to clean up the mess, which as you are discovering is too big to fix. Everyone’s life is made up of small decisions that are made everyday. I feel sorry for these girls because they have been as destroyed by the “rights” society has provided.
Dad (aka Royce): unfortunately sex education has started earlier and earlier because children are exposed to sex (at home, in media) earlier and earlier. It is my understanding that the “biology” talk happens at around 4th grade (which was the same for me) and the follow up happens in high school. However, the discussion about birth control and pregnancy prevention is the real problem here. If parents don’t have the conversation than who does.
In addition I have mixed feelings on the stigma. On one hand being ostracized places a larger social burden on the girl – the girl who often times in the past found herself even more disadvantaged than today. Historically boys share little to know burden in this situation and that is what bothers me the most.