How many of you have watched the new videos produced by Momversation? I like them, although secretly angry that nobody has asked for my opinion. I also find myself disagreeing with many of the “moms” on these video discussions. The most current topic is which is more difficult, motherhood or marriage? Apparently, I’m in the minority on this topic.
For me, marriage is SO MUCH EASIER THAN MOTHERHOOD. I’m always amused when people say to me, “you guys must have the funniest arguments.” Although I’m flattered that people find David and I so funny we have had very few funny marital arguments. I am the kind of wife that cries at a drop of the hat and so most of our arguments include me crying and David rolling his eyes. However, no matter how angry, frustrated, sad, or crazy I get I can ALWAYS talk to David and he can understand what I’m saying. He may not agree with what I’m saying, but he understands the words coming out of my mouth.
Motherhood is filled with pitfalls and moments that make you crazy. David has never asked me to get him chocolate milk (or any other beverage) while I’ve been sitting on the toilet. He has never tried to ask me to fix his My Little Pony while I’m talking to the doctor’s office. He has never purposefully spilled his Diet Coke on the floor to see what would happen. He has never asked me to wipe his bottom while I’m eating breakfast. He has never willfully ignored my requests to put his shoes on even after I’ve repeated it three times, or touched the public toilet with his hands and put them in his mouth during which I’m yelling “DON’T TOUCH THAT!! DON’T TOUCH THAT!!” and then “NO!! DON’T PUT THEM IN YOUR MOUTH!!”
I love my children, and I love being a mother but it is by far the hardest job I’ve ever had. I’ve sat in meeting rooms with angry men yelling at me because their $500,000 project is now going to cost $2.5 million. THAT experience was far easier than trying to get Max to sleep through the night at 9 months old. I’ve locked myself in my bathroom numerous times to cry out of sheer fatigue and feelings of failure. No job has ever made me feel that way but motherhood.
Marriage is hard, but it is so much easier to maintain than children. All I have to do to keep David happy is scratch his back and watch movies with him (and I’m not even talking about “adult” movies. I’m just talking about whatever came in on NetFlix). All he has to do to keep me happy is do the dishes and take me out once in awhile. Our needs are simple. Perhaps it is because David and I have had such good marriage role models in our parents, or perhaps it is because we have never violated the trust in our relationship. I don’t know the answer, but I do know that my marriage has always been comfortable and full of respect. Motherhood, on the other hand, feels like every day is my first day of boot camp.
Parenting feels easier to me because my expectations of my kids are so different than my expectations of my spouse. My kids don’t let me down, because I pretty much expect that they’ll make messes, keep me up all night, and forget to take out the trash. But I hold my husband to a higher standard, and am much more disappointed when he doesn’t live up to my standards.
My kids create more physical work than my husband does, but feeling content with my spouse is harder than it is with my kids. Is that my issue? Probably, but I’m guessing it’s one a lot of women share 🙂
Good point Meagan. I can see your perspective. Marriage – like children – is so personal that every person’s experience is different. David and I work hard at communicating, but it never seems like work, where motherhood does.
I’m with you, Beth. (and Dooce, incidentally, not that that influenced me. Nope, not at all).
I was considereing writing a post about this, but I think you’ve done it far better than I could — LOVE the list of things David has never asked you to do. Good point that I don’t think has been made before.
Oh, but I still have a good original (sorta) point — by sheer numbers marriage should be easier. Only one husband; often 2-more kids. Plus the number of hours you spend with them on a day-to-day basis is enormously weighted to the kids, so less time to miss them.
Perhaps those women who have harder marriages are married to men that they feel they have to mother in some way? (I know my frustrations in marriage often stem from me wanting to be “in charge” of my husband the same way I am of my kids — e.g. wanting to make him go to bed when he’s watching stoopid football or something).
It’s so funny how different people have different experiences. For me it’s almost the exact opposite. I work hard at communicating with both my kids and my spouse but it seems to take more effort with my spouse. I think maybe I relate more to the kids? Not sure.
I discipline my kids. My hubby won’t tolerate it, LOL. Parenting’s way easier for me.
Jen
Lucky woman. I’ll be laying in bed nursing the baby, sick, with me leg in a cast and Brad will be sitting at the desk right next to the Brita Pitcher and ask me to refill his glass. If I threaten to spank my kids they stop the misbehavior. If I threaten to spank Brad, he gets excited. Someday my kids will grow up and leave the house. Brad will never grow up, nor leave the house.
Hey there,
i was one of those that said marriage is harder.
I think it’s the expectation.
We know motherhood is and will be hard work. Helpless children will expect everything from us. Sleepless night. Being vomited on. Going unappreciated. We all have been a teeanger and so we know how hard we made it for our parents. Parenting is work, but worthy work.
Marriage on the other hand fills our brains with candlelit dinners, walks on the beach, love, and companionship. I don’t think many women expect how much they will have to work at their marriage. Making amends. Compromising. Deciding how to parent as a team.
A child wants a chocolate milk? You can control and decide.
A husband is dissatisfied with the amount of sex or spending one does, it’s tricky negotiating.
I think it’s fabulous you have such a stable, well-matched marriage.
I consider my marriage of 12 years very stable, but at times very difficult. My husband and I come from very different backgrounds socially, culturally, religiously. He’s a computer geek and I am the preppy, student body, PTA president type.
We work at it. Parenting will get easier over the years as children become independent, but your marriage, if done right, will last a lifetime. A lifetime of compromising, tip toeing, and loving.
Regards,
Scout’s Honor
http://unitedstatesofmotherhood.com
I’m with you–plus I think marriage is more important than motherhood (if I can say that without making someone’s hit list). After all, the kids will one day be gone but I’ll be with Andrew forever . . .
I agree! Motherhood is WAY harder than parenthood. I also agree with Scribbit – that a good marriage is the most important foundation for a family. The good parenting follows the good marriage (I hope!)
What a brilliantly, and hilariously, written post. I about fell off my chair reading the list of things your husband has never asked you to do. Hilarious.