Dear Lucy,

You are five years old today. Per your request we are having a “princess” party although you have made it very clear that not only are you NOT dressing up, you would prefer if your guests also did not dress up. Unlike most five year old little girls you do NOT like to play dress up. You do NOT like baby dolls and you do NOT like Barbie dolls. As a matter of fact I was kind of surprised that you even suggested a princess party. Admittedly, this was your third choice behind a gymnastics party (which we couldn’t afford) or a butterfly party.

This is your last year to be home with me. This fall you will start Kindergarten. I have very mixed emotions about this transition. Although I know you are more than ready for school I am sad to see you take this first step towards independence. We went to visit a school last week and immediately upon arrival you buried your head into my leg and muttered “can we leave now?” You made it very clear that you had no interest whatsoever in discovering if the school was nice. I realized I was looking at a glimpse of you as a teenager. You pouted, moped, whined, and complained about everything that was shown to you.

The school visit was followed by a gymnastics lesson with a teacher you have never had, in a gym filled with a 100 kids you have never seen before. For an hour you stood almost completely still, sucking your fingers and studying the floor. The uncomfortable angst that was spread out on your face was excruciating to watch and it took every ounce of will power I had to not run down and swoop you up into my arms. Indeed, when class was over you ran past Daddy, ran past Max, jumped into my lap, buried your face into my arms and cried. I wanted to cry too.

Sweetheart, I know how it feels to be someplace new. I know the stress and anxiety you feel as it washes over you. I know how you long to run out of that situation and to keep running until you are home and safe. I know how it feels because that was me at five years old. I also know, like my mother did, that you HAVE to face that fear. It is imperative for your success in life to sit in that awkward anxiety and learn to push yourself past it. And as scared of school as you are, I also know how much you will love it if you can just find your way out of the anxiety. I know you are scared. I know with every ounce of my being how scared you are but as a mother, I must prepare you for life without me and that means you learning to overcome that fear.

It also means that as much as I want to scoop you up into my arms and hold you forever I cannot. We must both face our fears. I want to see you fly Lucy. I want to see you spread your wings and show the world the beauty and amazing person that I have the privilege of seeing every day. You will blow them away. So baby, here we go. Let us take our first steps together.