1.) Put my shoes on.
2.) Put Lucy & Max’s shoes on
3.) Gather packages for mailing, clothes for cleaning, and checkbook for signing up for swim classes. Plus, phone, keys, sunglasses, pacifier, blankets, bottle of water and several small toys that we apparently MUST bring with us or our safety will be in jeopardy.
4.) Get everybody in car which entails asking for this to happen at least four times. “Lucy, get in the car. Max, get in the car. Everybody in the car. In the car. Get in the car or there will be spanks”
5.) Buckle up. This is where I wrangle with the seat belt and Max and I negotiate who is going to do the buckling.
6.) Get in the drivers seat and buckle up just in time to hear Lucy cry that her precious small toy that is critical to our safety and mankind has been dropped and she can’t reach it.
7.) Get out of car, open sliding door, retrieve toy and return it to safety.

8.) Drive to gas station. While pumping gas Lucy unbuckles herself to show Max how he can use his seatbelt to pretend that he is water-skiing.
9.) Finish pumping gas (@ $3.40 a gallon. Yippee for Texas) and then re-buckle Lucy

10.) Drive-thru dry cleaners (God Bless drive thru dry cleaners)

11.) Park at civic center. Unbuckle me, unbuckle Lucy, unbuckle Max. Ask that both children leave the mini-van so we can go indoors; “Lucy lets go. Max, c’mon out”
12.) Walk into the civic center and ask to enroll Lucy in swim lessons. Response received is “we’re sorry our computers are not working and so I can’t sign you up” – By the way, second time I’ve stopped by and second time their computers aren’t working. Guess what? Lucy isn’t going to learn to swim this summer.
13.) Herd everybody outside with the required “hold hands. hold hands. HOLD HANDS!!!”
14.) Everybody in the car with a “Get in the car. get in the car. GET IN THE CAR!”
15.) Buckling all around
16.) Then the whining begins; “I’m tired. I’m hungry. I thought we were going to the library. Where are we going now?”

17.) Stop at post office repeat steps outlined in #11
18.) Enter post office where Lucy declares in a whine so high-pitched only dogs can hear it “There aren’t any toys here!” As if somehow this greatly reduces the social standing of the post office.
19.) As I reach the counter Lucy says “I have to peepee.”
20.) Repeat steps 13-16

21.) Get to library and repeats steps in #11
22.) Use the bathroom where Lucy says loudly: “the potty isn’t big enough for all of us to fit” and “is the toilet going to flush by itself?” Then Max sticks his hand in the tampon disposal box. Wash hands, dry hands and encourage everybody to not stick hands in mouth (a losing battle with Lucy).
23.) Upon entering the library I outline the rules; “no yelling, no running, no screaming”. I try to encourage the kids to actually look at the books instead of the fish tank but I am woefully unsuccessful. I pay the late fines for the last books we checked out and while this happens Lucy and Max decide to make mommy a “may-pole” and start chasing each other around my legs. I get down and in the angriest whispering tones imaginable I explain that “This is bad. No running! You will stop!” My request is ignored. I repeat request with firmer whispers and the threat of time-outs. Behavior continues – I am now firmly embarrassed and want to flee the library in shame. Outside of library I explain to Lucy and Max that this behavior is wrong and that they were being disobedient. Max giggles. Lucy is solemn. In the car (after repeating steps 13-16)I let them know that Daddy would be very disappointed if he knew what happened. Lucy bursts into tears and begs me not to tell Daddy. This continues for the entire 20 minute drive home. Max periodically agrees with Lucy but really only to make her feel better and to support her cause – he could care less who knew about his antics.

24.) Upon returning home we call Daddy at work (who is already angry and is in no mood to discipline over the phone). Lucy buries her head in the sofa as David scolds her for not obeying Mommy and how disappointed he is. Lucy sobs and tearfully replies “yes, Daddy”. Max is grabbing at the phone wanting to talk to Daddy. David relays similar lesson to Max who, with a smile on his face, meekly agrees and says he’s sorry.
25.) After we hang up I hug Lucy, tell her that I’m disappointed but that I love her very much and that it makes Mommy sad when she disobeys. She says she’s sorry and asks for chocolate milk
26.) I walk into kitchen and cry.

After about two months of aggravation and several weeks of me kvetching our kitchen renovations are complete (except for putting the face plates back on the plugs). I could not be happier. It is gorgeous and I don’t want anybody touching anything. I also would like new stainless appliances. KitchenAid – if you are out there would you like to give me a new stainless appliance package? I promise to love it, care for it and write many good things about how it is the most wonderful thing in the world. PLEEEEASSE!!!

Here are the pictures starting from the before and ending with the glorious after.

I found this on the “Interweb” and thought it was pretty funny. It is also strangely representative of how I feel about English and grammar.

I’m sure like the product of many men from his generation “Star Wars” made an indelible mark on David’s young psyche when he saw it in the theater. A mark that he has carried with him into adulthood. Since the first pregnancy test came back positive he has not stopped talking about what it will be like to watch “Star Wars” with the kids for the first time. And although he planned on waiting until the kids were in 3rd grade other influences have stepped in to make this no longer a possibility. Namely, Lucy’s cousins. See, Lucy’s cousins are older than her and they play the video game and they talk about it and now suddenly at 4 Lucy knows ALL about Star Wars without ever having seen it. She talks knowledgeably about Jawas and Luke and Leah and the Eewoks and yet she’s never seen the film.

David woke up Saturday morning and asked Lucy is she would like to watch “Star Wars” and she squealed in delight, ran around in a circle, and shot orange soda out her nose. (okay, the last part was a lie, but you get the idea). I can’t tell you if she liked it because most of the time she was busy asking questions; “Where is Dark Vader?”, “Who are those guys in black?”, “Are the Jawas bad guys?”, “Why does his land speeder fly like that?”, “Why are there two suns?”, “Why does that snake have one eye?” etc. Max would periodically point to the screen and declare “Bad Guy” or “Good Guy”.

She woke up Sunday and begged and pleaded to watch “Empire Strikes Back” and when she saw Yoda it was like finding an old friend. She was surprised to find out that Luke didn’t realize who Yoda was and innocently asked “What is an Empire”. David gently and patiently explained all the characters and made matter of fact comments like “That is a planet called Tatooine. It is a desert planet.” His explanations were so succinct, so factual and so full of confidence that it wouldn’t surprise me if Lucy thought the story was real. In truth, it probably holds the same level of validity as the story of Noah or the Princess and the Pea. At one point he leaned over and whispered into Lucy’s ear “I know a secret. Darth Vader was actually a good guy once”. And so the legacy continues.

It is supposed to be 104 here in Dallas this week and so I wanted to share with you some of the things I’ve learned since living in such savage heat.

1.) Do NOT leave your chapstick in the car
2.) The metal clasp of a seatbelt can easily be used as a torture device
3.) You really can fry an egg on the sidewalk
4.) Do NOT walk barefoot outside, on cement
5.) When they say 104 that doesn’t include the “heat index” which means if the sun is shining you are going to feel like your skin is melting off of your bones.
6.) Do NOT leave anything plastic (like a small toy or play house) outside
7.) Rain can instantly evaporate as it hits the ground. Seriously – I’ve gotten stuck in a rain storm and never actually been wet.
8.) I don’t care how I look in a tank top, sandals, bathing suit or other small items of clothing – it is REALLY, REALLY hot and you are lucky I’m wearing clothes at all.
9.) Pray that your A/C doesn’t break or the electricity go out
10.) It doesn’t matter how long you run the tap water it will NEVER get cold.

I’m going to go sit on my ice block and wait for October to get here.

A while back I was lamenting about not being able to eat cookies on my diet. I mean really, what kind of healthy diet do you people expect me to follow? I’ll give up cereal and butter but you are going to have to pry my chocolate chip cookies out of my dead hand. Well, my friend Laura came to my rescue with this great recipe for brownies. When I made the brownies, ate the brownies and awoke from my chocolate stupor I wrote this lovely post thanking her. Well Laura, being the kind of girl who just can’t stop giving, responded with a recipe for cookies that used beans instead of butter. No, you did not read that wrong BEANS INSTEAD OF BUTTER! Since the brownie recipe turned out so well I threw caution to the wind and broke open a can of Northern Beans and gave it a shot. Well, here is the result:

These cookies were scrumptious and you could not taste beans at all. My kids loved them and Max has already eaten three in the time that it has taken me to write this post. All I did was drain one can of Northern Beans and beat it by itself in my mixer. I then added my sugars (I used Splenda, but regular sugar would work too), vanilla, eggs and flour mixture (just follow the recipe on the back of the chocolate chips bag). Baked them like I would regular cookies and they turned out great. Now, they are bit more cake-like than normal cookies, but other than that you can’t tell the difference — oh, except for the extra family flatulence you can probably expect later in the evening.

Okay, so I was completely planning on writing this lovely post for Friday that had all these great pictures of my kitchen transformation from humble suburbia to model home. However, due to a string of house guests, delayed contractors and 90+ degree weather (which really has nothing to do with it but I felt the need to complain about it) I won’t be posting pictures on Friday. Alas, my house still looks like a small FEMA crisis has occurred and I don’t think I will be digging myself out of it until late Sunday. In the meantime, here is a wee bit of a preview of things to come:

My best friend Kym came to visit this past Tuesday. I met Kym in college and we quickly became friends and started dating sets of roommates, because that is what best friends do. However our friendship is far deeper than that. Kym is the kind of friend who tells me when I’m wrong, stupid or being prideful. She is the friend who knows that when I’m hurting I make jokes and the better the jokes the worst the pain. She also knows not to laugh. She is frequently the first person I call when disaster strikes and the first person who I want to share my successes with. She’s also a trained therapist and to be honest, it is always good to have a friend who is professionally trained to give you advice. She’s the kind of friend who would make sure my eyebrows got waxed if I was in a coma and loves my children enough to tell them to use their manners and not pick their nose.

When we are young girls our list of friends is long and endless. It is also constantly rotating. By the time we’ve reached high school we’ve narrowed it down to 6 really good friends. College weeds out the friends from high school that don’t merit lifetime friendship and by the time you have kids you are down to 3 or less friends that still call you and will continue to talk to you even while your child screams in the background. Friendship becomes more precious and harder to come by as we get older. Most of my dear friends are spread across the country and we rarely see each other. Most of them have dwindled down to Christmas cards and a yearly phone call, some perhaps just a periodic email with some pictures.

As I can begin to see 40 in my near horizon (far closer than I’d like to admit to) I could not be more appreciative of Kym’s friendship. Perhaps that is why so many women blog – we yearn for that connection, a connection to each other that we miss from grade school. The knowledge and the feeling that we are not alone.