All posts by blogobeth

Raising A Future Lawyer

“Lucy, I think I’m going to run to the corner and get some milk. Are you comfortable being in the house on your own for ten minutes?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Don’t open the door for anybody, and I’ll be back in ten.”

“Okay, so don’t open the door unless it’s like Ms. Micki or something.”

“No, don’t open the door for anybody.”

“Well, can I open the door if it’s Nana?”

“Ok, yes, you can open the door for Nana if she shows up, but she won’t.”

“Well she might. I mean she might just turn up and surprise us.”

“No, she won’t.”

“Ok, so can I open the door for Uncle Paul or Aunt Beth?”

“Technically, yes, I suppose you could, but they won’t come either.”

“So I can open the door if I know the person. Can I open the door for Mikayla?” (our neighbor)

“No, you cannot open the door for Mikayla. You can only open the door for Nana.”

“But what if Mikayla rings the doorbell like 20 times?”

“No, you cannot open the door for Mikayla.”

“Okay, so Nana, or family or people like family – like Ms. Micki or Mrs. McDonald”

“NO LUCY! You can ONLY open the door for Nana!”

“But what if I know the person really well and I know they are a safe person?”

“Lucy, don’t worry about it. I’m not going to the store.”

“Oh good, I didn’t want to be home on my own when it’s raining.”

 

A Dream

Once upon a time there was a girl named Jenny*

First day of class Jenny sat in the front row.  Her dark hair tied back in a tight pony tail. Small silver glasses, short framed, round face wearing a lumpy jacket.  She dissolved into her seat, trying to be invisible.  The first paper she submitted to me was amazing, a perfect A.  The second paper, also a perfect A.  Every morning I would would walk into class and with my most annoyingly perky voice ask, “How you doing Jenny?”  She would shrug and go back to being invisible.  She was academically perfect – a perfect A – every time.  However, she said almost nothing.  It became my mission to get her to smile.  It never happened.

Next semester she turns up in my class again – different course.  Again, perfect A and no smile.  Third semester she turns up again.  This time I’m adamant.  What is this girl’s story?  A perfect student but she doesn’t talk or smile – EVER!  I make the decision that this semester she WILL smile and she WILL talk.  I keep asking questions and I keep probing her.

I find out that she hates English.  She’s actually a math major. She graduated from high school with honors.  She’s a 4.0 Dean’s list student.  Her dream is to be a math teacher.  She loves math.  She solves math equations when she’s bored or stressed out.  This, of course is something with which I cannot relate.  I’m boggled about how math could be that fun for anyone and I tell her that. She laughs. And when she laughs her face comes to life.  Her eyes sparkle and voice tinkles and I know I’ve got her.

Jenny and I spend a lot of time over the next year or so talking.  We talk about how her traditional Hispanic family wants her to get married and have babies.  We talk about how all she wants is to go to school.  She loves school.  She is desperate to finish her college degree and teach.  We talk a lot about her dreams but every conversation has a hidden cloud – a darkness in her voice, the source of which she refuses to share with me.  I respect her privacy.  I don’t prod, but something bigger lies underneath and I can sense it.

Some days when Jenny I talk she is very sad and the depression in her voice is heavy.  The pain and sorrow washes over me and our conversation is like a rain cloud.  I tease her and call her “my little Eeyore”.  However, we both know it is bigger and more serious than that.

I receive a note.  Her father, unexpectedly, dies in his sleep from a heart attack.  Jenny is devastated.  She doesn’t know what to do, where to turn, how to survive.  Her normal rain cloud has grown into a storm, a typhoon of overwhelming loss and desperation.  How will she survive? How will her family survive? I do my best to comfort her but at times I can tell I’m saying all the wrong things.  She starts to grow frustrated with me and I’m getting frustrated because she isn’t telling me everything and after five years I feel like I’ve earned the right to know where the big sadness is coming from.  I blurt out “you don’t tell me anything!” She realizes that she’s been unfair and here comes the truth “I’m an illegal”.

Jenny’s parents received visas to travel from Mexico to the US when Jenny was 5 years old. They came to the US to visit Jenny’s aunt – who IS legal.  The family decided to stay. They start the process to become citizens but in the meantime their visas expire. The lawyer’s fees are expensive and her parents can only afford to work the system periodically when they have enough money.  Her mother works as a cleaning lady.  Her father works construction.  Her mother pleads with Jenny to date and get married so she can become “legal” but Jenny can’t stand the idea and wants to stay in school.

Jenny is lucky because she lives in Texas where illegal residents can still attend college. The family was struggling but making it.  Working with a lawyer on the waiting list, trying to do the right things when her father died.

They aren’t eligible for social services – no WIC, no welfare, no unemployment, no social security no medicaid.  No income.

The desperation in Jenny’s voice scares me.  She has no future.  She can graduate from college and even become a certified teacher but she won’t ever be able to work as a teacher.  Her brother, although excellent with computers and computer repair, cannot work.  Her mother can only do so much.  Jenny’s Spanish is horrible and Mexico is a dangerous place. There is no going back for her.  She doesn’t even have family that lives there any longer.

The United States was founded by immigrants FOR immigrants.  We are all immigrants or children of immigrants.  The American dream is to work hard, get an education and pay it forward.  If we lose sight of this dream we have lost sight of what makes the American experiment so amazing.

The hopes of my immigrant students and the hopes of these parents who have sacrificed EVERYTHING for their children lies with one piece of legislation: the DREAM Act.

Please, please, please write your legislator, contact your representatives and stress the importance of passing this Act – an Act that allows CHILDREN, who have NO CRIMINAL RECORD, and who have graduated high school and completed two years of college or military service the ability to become legal citizens.  Let these CHILDREN give back – let these CHILDREN make the United States their home.

For more information go to The Dream Activist for links to your local rep and how to get involved

 

*not her real name

And Puppy Makes Six

Initially David said it would be five years before we got another pet.  He didn’t want to add one more thing to our family.  I protested, saying that there was no way I was waiting five years for another pet and that he was crazy.  In reality it took us about three weeks after Cosmo died.  Introducing Heidi Von Snugglestein:

She’s a 12 week old miniature schnauzer whom we bought from a sweet family in downtown Dallas.  She had been given as a Valentine’s Day gift but found herself in a family that didn’t even have the time to name her otherwise feed and play with her.  David scooped her up and brought her home.

David and I are both rather smitten with her, and yes, she is sleeping every night in our bed. Her sweetest characteristic is her undying loyalty and love to “her people”.  Heidi insists on being wherever we are.  She follows me around like, well, a puppy. If I stand still for any amount of time she curls up next to me and falls asleep, but my slightest movement wakes her and she’s ready to move on to the next activity.

Max has forced himself to overcome any anxiety in order to love and bond with Heidi. He was adamant that he was going to like this dog regardless of how much she jumped or nipped.  Harper has reached a sort of peace accord with the dog where they have both agreed to ignore each other.  Lucy, however, is the hold out.  She likes the IDEA of a dog but the reality of it has made her uneasy.  We’ve signed Lucy up to take obedience training with Heidi and we are hoping that the structured classroom environment will help Lucy gain some confidence with the dog.

Most importantly she is the extra love that we needed to complete the family.  I still miss Cosmo and at times could swear I hear him meowing but nothing heals the loss of a pet like a new pet.  Heidi is helping all of us heal after a season of great loss.

Birthday Season

Lucy, Max and Harper have the fortune of all being born within two weeks of each other. Max is the first on January 28th and then Harper on February 9th and then Lucy on February 21st.  This wasn’t a problem when they were small and willing to combine parties but now that they are older – with separate friends and separate interests – well, this February came pretty close to killing me.  I would love to write a blog post about each of them, but even that seems like too much.  Instead,  I submit a brief paragraph about each, in honor of their birthdays.

LUCY

I’m afraid my sweetheart that you have the misfortune of being exactly like your mother. As you grow up this comparison cannot be ignored.  Unfortunately, we share the good and bad qualities.  You are smart, a reader, stubborn, competitive, overly dramatic, a loyal friend, logical thinker, approval seeker and naturally prone to worry.  You are me and I am you.

However, there are some things that are uniquely you – that no other person can claim.  You have started to sing – quietly and when you don’t think anybody is listening – your voice is sweet and strong.  You are quite artistic and love to color and craft and create things (I’m secretly hoping that this turns into a love of cooking).  You like to make people laugh and indeed are quite the “life of the party” when you are with your friends.

Most of all, you are the child that nobody thought I could have and therefore are a miracle. A strong, beautiful, brave miracle.

MAX

You turned six years old this year but it is rather irrelevant since I still think of you as being four.  When your sister was this age I expected her to be reading, and writing and solving complex equations.  But with you, well, I just want to keep you little.

The good news is that you are a bit on the short side for your age and your subtle speech impediment allows me to continue to think of you as my baby boy. However, I can tell that you aren’t going to allow me to hold on to this illusion for much longer.

You started Kindergarten this year and your zeal for school has left me a bit behind. You have not shed a single tear about leaving home — leaving Mom.  You LOVE all the friends you have made and your teacher (Mrs. Kerby) and everything related to being at school. You love lunch and music, and gym and recess.  You openly admit that you are neither the smartest kid in your class nor the best behaved.  You are beautifully average in every way.

HARPER

You are the child that I don’t understand.  You are nothing like me. You are sweet and energetic and strong as an ox.  You play hard – sleep hard – and aren’t easily persuaded to do things you don’t fundamentally want to do.  You laugh hard and deep and are a child of willful passions.  You still refuse to wear socks.  You are vocal about your clothing choices, frequently rip off you diaper for no reason and do not hesitate to throw a punch.  You are talking up a storm and even though few people understand you, you don’t hesitate to just talk louder.

However, like your sister, you are the child that was not to be. You were my “late in life” child”, my “you can’t be 40 child”.  And when your little hand finds its way into mine and you nudge me along to join in your fun I realize how blessed I am to have you.  I am inextricably intertwined into Lucy’s life due to our similarities but with you Harper – well, I’m just glad I got an invitation.  You have allowed me to be a part of your life and I will enjoy every moment you choose to give me.

And Then The Cat Died

David and I adopted Cosmo in 2001, shortly after we bought our first house.  A small grey short hair that we named after Cosmo Kramer from Seinfeld.

Monday morning, as I got dressed, it occurred to me that I hadn’t filled his food bowl since Thursday and there was still the same amount of food.  I checked his litter box – no activity in there.  I then realized that Cosmo had stopped sleeping with us at night. Something was wrong.  I bolted out of the bathroom and hollered at David, “something is wrong with Cosmo.”  Cosmo had never been sick, had never had a health issue of any kind.  David sat up in bed, “are you sure?”  I was emphatic.  Call it mother’s instinct but I knew the cat was sick.  I quickly picked up the phone and called the vet for an appointment.  David helped me wrestle Cosmo’s little grey body into his carrier and off to the doctor we went.

The vet’s office was deceivingly clean and sterile.  Cosmo hunched down in his cage and the vet did his best to examine him.  After $500 in tests and several phone calls the sad news was delivered,  Cosmo had cancer and he was dying.  I sobbed.  It was so sudden. He never gave any clue that he was in discomfort or that something was wrong.  How could it have happened so fast?  The vet explained that cats are very good at hiding their illnesses and that Cosmo had probably been sick for a long time.

We sat the kids down and explained to them that Cosmo was very sick.  That it is the responsibility of us, as pet owners, to do what is right for our pet.  That Cosmo wasn’t eating. He wasn’t drinking and it was best to help him along in his journey.  Lucy took it the hardest.  She burst into sobs and wailing exclaimed; “NOOOO!!! I DON’T WANT COSMO TO DIE!! I LOVE COSMO!!!”  I gently explained that none of us want Cosmo to die but that now is the time to be brave.  Lucy wasn’t buying it.  “I CAN’T BE BRAVE! I’M ONLY SEVEN YEARS OLD, I HAVEN’T LIVED LONG ENOUGH AND DONE ENOUGH THINGS TO BE BRAVE. I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DRIVE A CAR! AND NOW I’M THE ONLY PERSON AT SCHOOL THAT DOESN’T HAVE A PET!”  It was hard to argue with those emotions.  It wasn’t really fair to ask a seven year old to be brave about the death of the only family pet she had ever known.

Max was more circumspect and after a moment of sadness quietly asked, “when do we get a dog? Like a month? a week? How long do we have to wait?” Max tried to comfort Lucy with the idea that we could now get a puppy and that seemed like a fair trade to him.  Lucy did not find this comforting.

Harper followed Cosmo around the house saying ‘meow’ and offering him Oreos.

In the end, Cosmo went quietly and with dignity.  We spent his last two days showering him with love and tuna fish.  He’s gone, and now my feet are cold at night and our house is a bit more empty.  Well, at least until we get Max a dog.

Trail of Tears

I can hear Harper crying in her crib. She’s angry. She doesn’t want to go to sleep. She doesn’t want to be held. She wants to explore. But I’m tired and sad, and the day is over and I need her to give me this space. So she will stay in her crib and she will be angry.

There is no time to be sad and so the tears pounce when they can. The trail of sadness continues at the Morley house with yet another loss — a coworker of mine.  A fellow educator who was tragically killed in a car accident on the first day of school.  None of it makes sense.

When somebody you love dies at an “advanced” age you are sad, but you are also grateful that they lived such a long life and had the opportunity to either fulfill or come to peace with their dreams.  If someone dies from an illness, regardless of age, you are sad, but illness and death go hand in hand and seem a natural and expected way to leave this life. But when somebody has their life stolen from them – when their dreams are ripped away by another person, either by purpose or accident, there is no sense in it.  There is no way to make those pieces of information fit together in your head.  No matter how hard I try I can’t.

Keye’s killer was arrested.  A crack head with a history of robberies and thieving.  He will be brought to trial and I have confidence he will see justice. We cheered that an arrest had been made but it is a hollow victory because the one thing we all want we can’t ever have.  This man, this thief of life, can’t give us Keye back.

I miss them all.

The irony about being a person who writes, studies writing and loves good writers is that you learn that the best writing comes from the strongest emotion and the strongest emotion is pain – not love.  We, as humans, feel more alive when we hurt than when we are happy.  We are more aware of our delicate human nature, of the value of the things around us, when we are in pain.

I drove to work this morning in an epic downpour. As I slowly made my way down the expressway with 18-wheelers and teenagers and guys on their cell phones I thought of how quickly something could go wrong and I could be dead.  But nothing went wrong, and I’m not dead.  Instead, I’m sitting at my kitchen table, listening to the fire crackle and shedding tears for those who weren’t quite so lucky.

 

Suckerpunch

How was your holiday season? Filled with presents and family? Really? Yeah, I hate you.  My holiday was overshadowed by death.  The ultimate party pooper. I’ve avoided writing this post because I know, in the end, I will be an emotional wreck and wishing you all could just read my mind (which would make blogging so much easier).

My Uncle Marty died.

He wasn’t really my uncle, but since I wouldn’t know my actual uncle if he came up to me on the street and offered me free chocolate or a cruise to the Caribbean, Marty was it. My mother and Marty had grown up together – gone to the same high school.  He married my mother’s best friend; Sandy.   My Uncle Marty and Aunt Sandy had two children, Sue and Rich. Rich was my age and I can’t really remember a time in my life when Marty, Sandy, Rich and Sue weren’t a part of it.  They have always been my only relations on my mother’s side.

Aunt Sandy & Uncle Marty

Marty was a man who was larger than life.  People say that, I know, it’s cliche. However, in Marty’s case it was true.  He was loud and passionate and angry.  He didn’t just say “hi” in a calm, gentle fashion, but would grab you, hug you, kiss you and embrace you with the feeling that this was the first and last time he would ever see you.  He gave generously and hurt deeply.  He would tease you, chide you and poke at you, but always with a smile and a twinkle that told you that he loved you.

Marty was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer about a year ago.  It sucked. He’s gone now, and it isn’t fair.

But life isn’t fair and this was made abundantly clear to David and I when on Christmas Eve we received the news that our dear friend, Keye Ratley, was shot and killed.  He was 35.

Keye, his girlfriend, his brother and his girlfriend, were all leaving a night club together, when Keye’s baby brother got jumped by two muggers.  Keye ran in to pull the men off of his  brother when the muggers turned around and shot Keye in the abdomen.

Keye Ratley

Keye had a quiet confidence about himself.  A gentle demeanor that belied his wicked sense of humor and creative spirit.  He was a friend to all and an enemy to none.  He was a slave to technology with an absolute obsession with FourSquare and Facebook that left every person feeling like they were a part of his life. He was also a man who knew how to wear a handlebar mustache. David spent three years sitting right next to Keye at work, eating lunch together, talking about the latest Apple products.  Only hours before Keye’s death David and he had been exchanging text messages about a new iPhone app.

We buried Keye on Tuesday – his family, friends, coworkers.  David and I have cried a thousand tears and I know we have thousands more still yet to come. It sucks.

I don’t have words of wisdom. I haven’t learned some great lesson from all of this. People close to me have died. They are gone and that is that.

Letter From Santa

In an effort to remedy the psychological damage I inflicted after threatening no visit from Santa Claus I crafted and mailed the following letter to my children.  Let’s hope it saves me at least two trips to the therapist’s office.

 

Dear Lucy & Max,

It is my pleasure to inform you that after careful review of your behavior and attitude during the year 2011 that Santa Claus has decided to add you to the following list:

GOOD

We would like to request that on Christmas Eve you place the following items on a plate close to the fireplace:

 

  1. A small cup of milk (cow and no less than 2%)
  2. Three small iced cookies (please no chocolate)
  3. Three small carrots (peeled)

In addition, we would like to invite you to visit Santa Claus at a store location near you.  Every year we strive to deliver toys that meet each child’s wishes and your visit to Santa Claus is an important step in guaranteeing our continued toy success.

We have also noted that you will be staying at your Nana’s house (Max & Carolyn Morley Denton, TX) and would like your Christmas presents delivered there instead of your normal home location.  If this is an error please contact our delivery team immediately with the correct address ([email protected]).

We would like to thank you for your continued support and belief in our organization and we look forward to hearing from you again in 2012.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

 

Lauri Steingarten

Senior Elf

Department of List Management