I woke up to the sound of gunfire in my house. I rarely take a nap on the weekends, but with my sinus infection still putting up a good battle and the kids safely tucked away in my bed with a movie I thought it would be safe. I sneaked into Max’s room, laid down among the stuffed dinosaurs and fell asleep. It couldn’t have been twenty minutes when I heard the unmistakable sound of machine guns ripping through our house. I jumped out of bed and walked into our family room.

David was sitting in the family room with the TV on “fine-tuning” our home stereo system. Apparently, this delicate task can only happen by watching “Saving Private Ryan” with the volume set to a level that was so loud David didn’t notice I was actually talking to him. When he did turn the volume down we could hear Lucy crying in the next room. Not just a small weeping but a full-on “I’m going to throw up I’m crying so hard”. I innocently asked “why is she crying?”. And David, with only the wisdom a husband could possess said “Oh, I turned off their movie and told them to lay down and take a nap.” I stood there for a moment dumbfounded. First, Lucy is almost 5 and hasn’t been required to take a nap for at least 6 months which would clearly explain the tears. However, even if that weren’t the case is playing “Saving Private Ryan” at a decibel level that actually will cause the entire family to have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder conducive to nap time? The good part to this story is that I didn’t say any of those things. Instead, I said “I don’t think they can nap with the volume so loud”. When I went into my room to check on the kids they were both sitting straight up on the bed crying and David – in an apparent effort to make the environment more soothing – had put on classical music at a very low volume level. The volume on the radio was low enough that the kids could still very clearly feel and hear the effects of the tanks rolling through Normandy.

For other husbands let me just clear something up so this mistake won’t happen in your house.

See the kind of public service I provide here?

I don’t like to talk about controversial things here – on my blog – because frankly that is not what this space is for. However, the front page of MSNBC had an article this morning and I just cannot ignore it. Vaccines. I’m for them. You can yell at me all you want but this is why:

• After reading research on both sides of the issue I feel that the risk of my child suffering a side effect is much smaller than the risk of them catching small pox. Mercury, which supposedly has been linked to autism (and yet vaccines are not required at all in Japan and they have seen the same increase in autism we have) has not been put in vaccines since 2000. The other argument I’ve read is that a child’s immune system is not strong enough. But it is – and that is the point – to make it stronger.
• The reason why the risk of children getting small pox is so low is because EVERYBODY ELSE IS IMMUNIZED. Which means that those who don’t immunize are in some fashion (conscious or not) relying on everybody else to immunize their child.
• When enough people don’t immunize diseases come back — which they are – like measles, whooping cough and mumps. (see link to this article on MSNBC). Personally I don’t want to be the one person responsible for an outbreak of measles in my school or to watch my child needlessly suffer in a hospital because they contracted whooping cough.

Perhaps it is because I am an “older” mother but I remember my parents telling stories of kids in their schools dying from Polio, being in the hospital for whooping cough, scars from the measles, etc. Everybody has to make their own decisions but when your decision starts effecting MY family (like drunk driving, robbing, etc) then I get a bit passionate about it. Go ahead – get mad at me – I’ve braced myself.

Being a mother is a 24/7 job where your boss is a tiny person who rules like a dictator with no care for your own personal well-being. It is the only job where your employer truly could care less how much sleep you got, if you are sick, if you recently had a death in the family, if you need to go to the bathroom or if you are in the middle of throwing up. There is no union to fight for vacation days, health care, or paid time leave. You are not allowed to take a 15 minute lunch break, coffee break or potty break. (Unless you don’t mind your tiny boss standing with you in the bathroom asking you why you wipe your bottom THAT WAY).

Last night I sat at a table with a lovely woman from Ireland and discussed the various interpretations of Macbeth, how all great literature has sex and violence in it and the best authors are addicted to opium or are mentally insane. This is what I love about my job. For 8 hours yesterday I got to talk to people about how I cry at the end of Othello EVERY TIME I read it and nobody in the room thought I was strange. I discussed the benefits of teaching Henry V over the Tempest and how Henry fits beautifully into the transition from epic hero to modern hero and nobody thought I was being a snob. For twenty hours a week I get to be the Beth that worked really hard to earn her Masters degree in a subject that she is passionate about. For twenty hours I am MY OWN boss.

When my school day is over I find myself racing home. What have the kids been doing? What have they been saying? What did they eat? What did they play with? What did they discover? Did they learn anything new? I’m panicked that I might have missed something. When I walk in the door and the kids squeal in delight at my arrival I realize why being a mom is such a good gig. Teaching keeps me grateful. Teaching keeps me patient. Teaching makes me appreciate the little dictators that rule my life.

I’ve actually really enjoyed watching the Olympics this time around and I’m not sure if it is because NBC has done such a good job broadcasting or if it is because China has done such a good job of organizing. China is the ultimate case of OCD. If a country could have a psychological, anxiety disorder China would have it. It doesn’t hurt that Michael Phelps is a gold-winning machine and rather easy on the eyes (oh and swims out of Michigan — GO BLUE!!)

I’m rather tired of all the complaining about everything being in English. I know this may seem American-focused but ironically that attitude is ethno-centric because we are NOT the only country that speaks English. Ever heard of England? Ireland? South Africa? Australia? Canada? New Zealand? Really the list is long and as a result English is the International language for all International venues. So no, I don’t think the Chinese are angry — besides they have a lot more to be angry about – like who left the door open and did they wash their hands enough times.

And speaking of China they are fooling nobody that their gymnasts are 16. Lets all as a world agree that China is a big fat liar — they are not 16. OBVIOUSLY NOT 16. Now, does this mean they didn’t do a phenomenal job? Heck no – their gymnasts were amazing, but they weren’t 16 and those are the rules (much like the rule that broke the gymnastics tie that gave them the gold). They broke the rules – period. No need to debate. Oh and don’t even mention those phoney baloney passports that some guy made that “proves” that they are 16. Right, and I’m Princess Diana.

Some of the sports this year have been surprising. Synchronized diving? I didn’t even know this existed. BMX bike riding? When did this become an Olympic event and how? Sailing? How long has sailing been an Olympic sport? I don’t know. It seems that the credientials to be accepted into the Olympics seems a bit random at best.

Bob Costas – some people like him – I don’t. Does this guy know anything about sports? He seems like he is barely even interested in sports plus it seems that he and Katie Couric were accidentally separated at birth. They are like the Luke and Leia of broadcasting. Well, I’m sure he’ll still be in fine form for the winter Olympics. When do those happen? In two years? Well, I better brush up on my Olympic rule book now so I’m prepared.

5:30 AM: I wake up with a killer headache and sinus pain. Knowing my propensity for really bad headaches I take 2 Sudafed Cold & Sinus. I then read the box and realize that it expired in June of 2007. Oops, I knew I should have cleaned out the medicine cabinet.

8:30 AM: Headache developing into a full-blown migraine. I take 2 Migraine Excedrine. Those things can knock a migraine right out of ya.

12:30: Migraine getting exponentially worst so I take an Advil Cold & Sinus

1:30: My brain starts to feel like it is doing the Samba in my skull and Max refuses to take a nap. I break out the ice pack

3:30: House has become a free-for-all since I can no longer open my eyes or stand vertical. The pain is unbearable and it feels like one of Max’s tiny toy screwdrivers is going right through my left eye and into my skull

5:30: Call my sister and in choked back tears ask if it would be dangerous to take 2 more Excedrin. She says no danger – swallow away.

5:37: I call David and beg him to instantly come home. He gets on the Dallas freeway and begins his long commuter crawl home (2 accidents and increased blood pressure he gets home in an hour)

7:30: I begin to realize that taking those 2 extra Excedrin not such a good idea. I am now nauseous AND have a blinding headache. Lights, noise, smells, movement and general breathing is now causing me pain.

8:30: I take a hot shower in hopes that it will make the pain ease up. It does not. I now have a fever of 100.1. This is beginning to feel like a crazy torture mechanism since the pain is never relenting and only getting worst.

1:30 AM: I drive myself to the emergency room. Thankfully no other cars on the road since it was pouring rain and it hurt to actually look at the road. I drove most of the way only using 1 eye. I arrive where nurse Jill takes my stats and tells me it sounds like a sinus infection. I meet Dr. Cox who also says it sounds like a sinus infection (and not a brain tumor – wow, what a relief). I then meet nurse Beverly who tells me she is going to stick this giant needle in my “hip”. Then, sharp prick and then burning, burning, BURNING, MY ASS IS ON FIRE!! And nurse Beverly says “yes, it does hurt a little bit”. They give me some antibiotics and tell me it is indeed a sinus infection. The shot will help with the inflammation, take your meds and you should feel better in a couple of days.

4:00 AM: I drive myself home – in the pouring rain. I unlock the door which makes the door chime go off. I then use the bathroom, flush the toilet, turn on a light, get a blanket and a pillow from our bed. David never stirs. This tells me that he indeed HAS NOT been lying about not being able to hear the baby cry in the middle of the night. Because I could have taken every electronic device in our house and walked out and I don’t think his snoring would have missed a beat.

I’m telling you all this to tell you that I won’t be posting today. I now just have a dull aching headache that makes me feel like I had too good of a time last night but wait, I didn’t. I’ll resume my normal posting tomorrow.

First of all, thank you to everybody who sent me birthday wishes. It was a lovely weekend and I appreciate all the warm thoughts. We took the family and headed to Nacogdoches to visit the in-laws for the weekend. Nacogdoches is home to Stephen F Austin University, and a hospital. It is also in the middle of East Texas. This means that it is a magical combination of educated, cultured individuals and completely ignorant, back-woods citizens who don’t understand the dangers of in-breeding. (It makes for one heck of a Christmas festival). It is this kind of unique combination of cultures that led us to dine at “Asian City” where they have large hibachi grills and the waiters play harmonica. Yes, I said harmonica. We watched them slice & dice our vegetables and then they played “Happy Birthday” on the harmonica. We had some dear friends join us and as I wore my birthday, princess tiara (thanks, Rennie & Chris) I could not have felt more blessed or appreciated. Overall, it was a fantastic birthday. I ate cake, my mother-in-law let me sleep in, and I got to watch the Olympics.

I realized recently that I’M A HOUSEWIFE. Yet, we don’t use that term any longer. Why? Now, we are all SAHMs (stay-at-home mothers) but really what is the difference? Why has the word “Housewife” suddenly become taboo, a slur, a derogatory comment on a woman’s occupation? I was born in 1970, just early enough to still feel the sting of the ERA. My “Glamour” magazine was filled with articles about earning equal pay, fighting your way up the corporate ladder, and gaining independence as a woman. I was proud to be part of a gender that had options. I could work, not work, have kids, not have kids – the world was open to me.

I am lucky to be part of a generation of educated, strong women who have CHOSEN to walk away from amazing careers to be at home with their kids. The result of this are the interesting blogs we all write, read and contribute to – we have created a new community of motherhood that will be a testimony to our generation. I don’t feel marginalized by other mothers who work or by men who work. I’ve been on both sides of the fence and I recognize that some women are no more cut out to stay home with their kids then some men.

And yet, don’t we all still feel the need to do SOMETHING else besides being a mother? We craft, or sew, or work in charity, or write, or something. Does that come from our desire to be defined by more than just motherhood? Or is it our desire to satisfy the need that we are contributing to our home in a way that is greater than raising the next generation of leaders?

So I present you with a quiz — Are you a 1930’s housewife? A 2000 SAHM? Or just an all around bad-ass?

55 As a 1930s wife, I am Average Take the test!

Today is my birthday. It is customary in the blog-world to do 100 things about yourself, but I don’t think I could come up with 100. Frankly, I’m just not that interesting. So instead I’ve decided to do 38, for every year I’ve been alive.

1.)Although I’ve lived in 5 different states I have never lived in the cities I love the most; Nashville, Boston & London

2.)When I was in third grade I had terrible reading comprehension and a pronounced speech impediment. The school told my mother they didn’t think I would graduate from high school. Thankfully, my mother recognized the failure in the system and not her daughter and didn’t tell me until after I completed Grad school.

3.)My only memories of living in California are falling down the stairs, eating strawberries out of the backyard and riding my “peanut” car around the cul-de-sac.

4.)My favorite kind of cake is birthday cake from the grocery store — not the fancy kind, but the cheap kind.

5.)I’ve had a reoccuring nightmare since I was about 10 that I’m running away from somebody but I can’t see where I’m going because there is a bright light shining in my eyes. To this day I can’t stand to squint because of that and always wear my sunglasses.

6.)Craig Schmidt had red hair and teased me mercilessly in elementary school. I still remember his name and I have always wondered what happened to him.

7.) When I’m stressed I eat. When I’m hurt I make jokes. When I’m tired I get grumpy

8.) Even though school was very hard for me I loved it. It was such a lovely, structured environment that I felt comfortable being there.

9.) I’ve spent my entire life trying to convince everybody around me – as well as myself – that I’m smart. I’ll let you know when I’m successful

10.) My favorite pair of jeans is from Old Navy and has two holes in the butt.

11.) I love buying pajamas. I love owning pajamas, but I always end up sleeping in one of David’s t-shirts with a pair of shorts.

12.) I love the smell of my kids’ breath – even when it stinks

13.) I hate peas, bats, and ham

14.) I grew up Jewish in an all Catholic community and cannot stand it when I feel somebody is being morally judgmental of me. As a result I was one class short of minoring in religion so I could always defend myself.

15.) If I hadn’t miscarried this last pregnancy I wanted to name the baby Jane Carolyn if it had been a girl.

16.) My car in college was a yellow Geo Storm – I LOVED that car. It had 113,000 miles on it when I had to give it up and I never loved another car until I got my mini-van last year.

17.) My first love was John. My biggest heart-break was Doug. But my soul-mate has always been David.

18.) I was one week away from meeting with a fertility expert to talk about in-vitro when I found out I was pregnant with Lucy

19.) I’m a terrible swimmer and I try really hard to hide that fact from my kids so they will learn to swim.

20.) I played flute for 8 years with private lessons, and for as good as I was, I always knew I had no musical ability.

21.) Mr. Klopshinski was my band director and I would like for him to know that I KNOW I was good enough to be moved up into Symphony band and you purposefully didn’t move me. You are an angry, bitter man. It was a good thing you retired.

22.) Even though I was not raised going to church I have prayed every day to God since I was in 6th grade. He has given me some of the best advice.

23.) Christmas, Halloween and Easter are my favorite holidays

24.) My scariest lifetime moments include; moving to Texas by myself, giving birth to Lucy, an emergency airplane landing from Austin to Dallas, and going to the bathroom for the first time after each childbirth (ouch!)

25.) I started drinking Diet Coke at age 16 and I pretty much drink one every day.

26.) I hate coffee and I don’t drink it

27.) I have never smoked and never tried smoking. I have also never tried drugs mainly because I cannot stand that feeling of being woozy, or out of control — taking drugs to GET that feeling seems so counter-intuitive to me.

28.) I took my first drink at 18 and the last time I got “drunk” was when I was 22. I never liked drinking and I had a very short-run of it in college. I rarely drink as an adult and I cannot even remember the last time I had a beer.

29.) I took Spanish classes for 5 years until my Spanish teacher started teasing me for being Jewish.

30.) Before I die I want to see Italy, I want to attend a Shakespearean play in the Globe Theatre, and I want to see Westminster Abbey

31.)I’m a terrible seamstress and an awful gardener. However, I’m pretty good cook – so it all works out

32.) I love chocolate chip cookies and can always eat them at any time day or night

33.) I’m flat-footed and sound like a duck when I run, as a result I never run.

34.) I love buying school supplies; highlighters, pencils, paper, books, etc – It’s my favorite errand to run

35.) When David travels I sleep with a giant Mag flash-light and the cordless phone. I figure this way I can always beat somebody senseless with the flashlight and if that doesn’t work I can call 911.

36.) I took riflery in college and got an A. I currently own a 22-caliber, bolt-action, semi-automatic rifle. I do not own any bullets.

37.) My fondest memory of my wedding was standing next to David and purposefully making the same flub in our vows so he wouldn’t be embarrassed.

38.) The best years of my life started when I turned 30. I may be disturbingly close to 40 but I’m not bothered about getting old, I only wish time would stop moving so fast. I want to relish these years a little longer.