All posts by blogobeth

Happy Birthday

March 2, 2014 blogobeth Leave a comment

When you are in the middle of creating your family the idea of ever having a time when there won’t be somebody needing a diaper or needing a bottle or needing something will never happen. It feels like this marathon to which there is no finish line. When you’ve stopped having children, in that moment, somebody starts the stopwatch and your time begins to tick down. Every day is one less day you will have with your kids. Every last shoe that you tie is one less you will do in the future. Suddenly there is a finish line, and it feels like it is rushing towards you faster than you ever imagined. Perhaps I’m more aware because I’m an older mother, perhaps this is the natural progression of parenthood. I don’t know, I just wish my kids didn’t have to get any older and that time could stop right now.

Dear Lucy,

You just turned 10 years old. You keep trying to convince me that this makes you a “pre-teen” but I refuse to acknowledge the term or the classification. This has frustrated you to no end and is quite symbolic of how you feel — one foot firmly stuck in childhood and one pulling you into adolescence. You have ushered into an age of fear. You are worried about EVERYTHING. The world has become this large, scary place that both excites you and frightens you. You are as likely to tell me that you want to go hang gliding as you are to tell me that you are scared of the dark. You want to know about the origin of mankind but also blindly believe in the Tooth Fairy. You will back talk me one second and reach for my hand the next.

Although this yin-yang of your personality is challenging and quite perplexing it is also the dynamic that I admire most about you. Because if I had to choose one word to describe you Lucy it would be courageous. Yes, you are scared and fearful and worried but that doesn’t stop you. I’ve seen you stay strong, in the face of what would be paralyzing fear in others. This inner strength, this lioness that lurks deep within you is your most amazing quality. It is your strength paired with your delicate sensitivities and natural nurturing personality that has you defending your baby sister one second and holding her hand the next.

Although I have begun to mourn the passing of your childhood I eagerly await the young woman you are about to become, because you will amaze the world.

Dear Max,

You turned 8 this year and although I struggle to keep up with your age I can no longer ignore it. You’ve grown so much physically and emotionally that I’m starting to see hints of what you will be like as a man. Your big bear hugs are becoming less common as you become aware of the fact that it isn’t cool to hug your Mom. Your tears flow less often, with your frustration now being expressed as anger. Your stutter is still there but you seem to be less self conscious of it. You have struggled to figure out who you are but I’m starting to see your strengths bubble to the surface. You’ve developed a love of robotics and engineering. You want to know how things work, how they break, how they are built and are fascinated with any toy or tool that reinforces this idea.

In many ways you are getting to be a big boy, wanting to play rough with your friends, stay home by yourself and do other “big boy” things and yet so much of “little Max” is still there that I can’t help but to still baby you. Your tears break my heart and your frustrations are mine to carry. I protect you far more aggressively than your confident sister. And perhaps, just perhaps, I baby you too much.

Dearest Harper,

Your physical body can barely contain your personality. You may only be four but everybody who meets you knows there is no doubt about who you are. Although you have all the traditional markings of a four year old; stubbornness, fierceness, and a need for things to be YOUR way it is the non-typical things that I adore. You have a strong streak of sympathy and your apologies and regrets at hurt feelings flow freely. Your absolute obsession with all things medical to the point where you insist on accompanying EVERYBODY to EVERY doctor’s appointment. You admire the doctor’s instruments and comment, “they are sooooo beautiful”. You have such a strong desire to be “a part of” every conversation or activity that you just talk over everybody — total nonsense pours out of your mouth — but you are part of the conversation and that is all that matters.

Most importantly, you are my third and my last and therefore I wallow in your babyhood. The way you smell, the softness of your skin, the innocent comments, the clumsy hugs and freely shared kisses — all will disappear before I know it. And when you leave these things behind so will I and therefore I am in no hurry for you to grow up. I’ve not set a deadline for you to stop sucking your thumb. I’m in no rush to force you to give up diapers. You can not know your letters and shapes and colors a bit longer. And yet, the irony is that all of these things are happening faster with you than the first two because you are the last. You are sprinting through your toddlerhood in an effort to keep up with your big sister and brother just as I clamor to hold you back.

My dearest Harper, please stay a baby a little longer. Please stay curled in my lap a little longer. Please let me nuzzle your head a little longer.

Family Life, Personal

A Christmas Love Story

January 6, 2014 blogobeth Leave a comment

I lived in room 424 and she lived in room 324. I drove a bright yellow Geo Storm and she drove a bright orange VW Bug with plaid interiors. Kym and I met in August of my Junior year in college. We were Resident Advisors together and after one weekend of being on duty we were best friends. Kym is the keeper of my twenties. She knows the stories she can share (the night we dressed as ninjas) and the ones that are best forgotten. She knows when I’m lying to myself and tells me. We ate breakfast together, dinner together, walked to class together and dated sets of roommates. There isn’t a kiss, crush, or heartbreak that happened between ages 19-28 that Kym doesn’t know about or witnessed.

As college faded into the past and our lives became involved with husbands and careers and children our hourly communication drifted gradually into once every couple of months. The two lives that were so completely intertwined in college eventually became two parallel lives in different cities and often in different states.

Time passed.

This past September Kym’s husband was deployed to the middle east. Deployments are never easy, but Kym has waited through them before and was prepared for the four months ahead of her. We talked before her husband’s deployment and exchanged some sporadic emails in the month that followed. She was doing fine and keeping her family on track. In November I called to check on her and she shared her excitement about her mother flying down in the next couple of days. Her mom was going to stay with her for a month and she and the kids were so excited. Three days later Kym called to tell me that her mother would not be flying down because she had been admitted into the hospital with non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. A reoccurrence of a disease her mother had battled only 18 months prior.

Her voice was different. I knew, as only a friend of 20 years can know, that she had crossed her tipping point. She said she was okay and she said she would manage and that she didn’t need help but it was all a lie. Her voice. The sadness and despair that lurked right under the surface was evident. David insisted she come and stay with us until her husband’s return. She resisted. I insisted that she stay with us for Thanksgiving, but she said no. I started calling weekly, texting regularly, and trying to gauge her needs from afar. In December, she finally relented to come for Christmas – Kym, her four kids and two dogs. When they finally spilled out of their car and I caught her in my arms I didn’t want to let go.

The holiday was magical. There was joy and laughter and kindness and children and puppies billowing out of every corner of my house. We ate cookies, played games, shopped and talked until midnight EVERY DAY. We retold old stories, made new ones, and fell into the easy friendship that has sustained for so many years – the only thing missing was the cafeteria food. We cried at every doctor’s update and smiled at every phone call from overseas. We rolled our eyes at our children, shook our fists in frustration and laughed at the mothers we have become. And after ten days and with the promise that we will not allow so much time to pass between visits she packed up and drove home.

Friendship is hard. It is hard to find friends, make friends and keep friends. Most of us can look in our rear view mirror and see friendships that were dropped along the roadside, either due to time, or circumstance. Female friendships are even harder, frequently the victim of hurt feelings. But if you are lucky enough to have a friend — just one — that can look into your eyes and know your heart, who willingly shares your tears, and who can make you laugh at every corner of life – you are the richest person of all. And this Christmas, as I was surrounded by my parents, my sister, my brother-in-law, my nephews and my best friend I realized there wasn’t a single thing I wanted for Christmas.

Family Life, Kids

The Legacy Of The Advent Calendar

November 24, 2013 blogobeth Leave a comment

Shortly after Max was born I got this crazy idea to make my own advent calendar. I remembered always having an advent calendar as a child and Pinterest was filled with so many great ideas that I figured it would be simple. I’m inherently neither a sewer nor a crafter. I have zero patience for those sorts of things. However, I decided that this was a project I could handle. Insert eye roll and large laborious sighs.

It took me close to a month to complete my advent calendar and at the end it looked like an 8th grade Home Ec student made it. However, it was functional and so I used it with the intention that I would replace it with something nicer and probably store bought. Over the years the pockets of our advent calendar have been filled with all kinds of things – tiny toys, Christmas ornaments, activity coupons, bible passages, pencils, candy and other special treats. Every year I take the calendar out with the idea that I will look for something “nicer” – something a bit more professional looking.

This year as the Christmas and Hanukkah decorations were pulled into the house I handed the advent calendar to Lucy and told her to hang it up. She and Max exclaimed in delight and jumped around squealing with anticipation of what the calendar might hold this year. Again, I stood back and admired my shoddy sewing job.

It was several days later when Lucy and I were busy running errands that she said to me in the car, “Mama, when you are done with the advent calendar – like when you no longer have kids at home – can I have it for my kids?” *sniffle*

As mothers we are so hard on ourselves. Our expectations and standards for what we should be doing and how much we should be accomplishing is beyond unrealistic. I recently read a blog post on the momastery describing a visit to the elementary school where children were asked to write about their dreams. All the children wrote down that they dreamed, “for my family to be happy”. Happy. That is what our children want. They want us to be happy. Lucy’s request for my lopsided, poorly sewn, messily finished advent calendar is a reminder that where I see mistakes she sees beauty. Where I’m thinking “I could do better” – my children are thinking “I have the best Mom ever”.

Perhaps the job of motherhood isn’t nearly as hard as we are making it. Perhaps if we focused more on being happy and less on being perfect this job would seem far more attainable. Perhaps happiness just means a simple adjustment in perspective.

Books, Kids

Bedtime & Books

November 21, 2013 blogobeth Leave a comment

Frankly, I don’t enjoy the reading of “Goodnight Moon” or “Who Loves Baby” or any of that toddler junk that kids like to hear when they are under five years old. I know that most people stop reading to their kids when the kids can read to themselves, but in my opinion that is when the books finally get interesting. As a result, the kids and I read together every night. I have two rules. First, I get to pick the book and it can’t be a book the kids could read on their own. My second rule is that they can’t interrupt the reading with questions that are unrelated to the story. It has taken awhile for these rules to settle in but we have a pretty good rhythm now and I’ve used this opportunity to read children’s books that I never had a chance to read as a kid.

OH MY GOODNESS!! Okay, I now understand why children’s literature is an actual major. These people are messed up – these “children’s” stories are written by deranged individuals. Have you read anything written by Roald Dahl? Drugs. It is the only explanation.

The best part is having the kids recognize the differences between the movies and the book. For example, did you know the “Wizard of Oz” movie is hardly anything like the book and the book has a horrible ending. Seriously, Lucy and I complained for days about the terrible ending. “Mr. Popper’s Penguins” – the movie not even remotely anything close to the book except there are penguins and a guy named Mr. Popper. This is quite possibly the best book club I’ve ever been a part. The kids and I look forward to our time with a good book and I love hearing them plead “one more chapter”. Well, Lucy pleads, Max usually falls asleep after the first chapter is read. I thought I would share a list of our favorites:

1.) The Wizard of Oz

2.) Mr. Popper’s Penguins

3.) Charlie & The Chocolate Factory

4.) The Twits

5.) The Secret Garden

6.) The Fantastic Mr. Fox

7.) The Littles (several volumes)

8.) Peter Pan

9.) Winnie The Pooh

10.) Alice In Wonderland

11.) Charlotte’s Web

12.) The Wind In The Willows

We stopped reading “Ella Enchanted” because it was God awful slow and neither Lucy nor I could ever get into “Little House on the Prairie”. We are definitely open to recommendations so please leave suggestions for books that you and your kids have enjoyed reading together. The next couple on our list include:

1.) Tom Sawyer

2.) Through The Looking Glass

3.) Mary Poppins

4.) Jungle Book

5.) Swiss Family Robinson

Family Life, Homeschool

Friendship

November 19, 2013 blogobeth Leave a comment

As expected homeschool is not all rainbows and butterflies. Surprising, I know. The kids and I have had our share of run ins over doing their work, fighting with each other and the normal things that would be expected from children. However, the most unexpected challenge has been the making of new friends – not the kids making new friends, but me.

I miss my moms.

I miss chatting in carpool and catching up with friends at those stupid school fundraisers. I miss the circle of support that you receive from a friend rolling their eyes with you during curriculum night. The knowing glare when the teacher explains the daily reading log and you’re both thinking, “yeah, that will never happen”. The communal groan when the sign up sheet gets passed around for the third classroom party. The community you feel knowing that you are all just trying to survive – together.

Don’t get me wrong, my friends – my real friends – have been incredibly supportive. We’ve had play dates and phone calls and I know that they are around me supporting me in my choice, even if it is different from their choice. That is real friendship – a friend who can still support you while doing something different. But I miss the community of people who ARE doing the same thing. I miss the comfort and confirmation from other mothers knowingly nodding their head in agreement and encouragement.

Recently the kids and I attend a homeschool event and as we walked into the room we realized that everybody already knew everyone and as everybody happily chatted and played we were left in the corner. I tried to make eye contact with several kids and moms but most smiled and looked back to their conversations. The awkwardness and isolation washed over all of us — Lucy, feeling it the most acutely. As we left having not a single person talk to us Lucy said, “I need a break from meeting new kids. Can’t we just hang out at home?”

I slinked home feeling defeated and insecure. Perhaps I was not the best person to teach my kids to make friends. Perhaps I made the wrong decision ripping them from the bosom of their friends at school. Perhaps they will grow up to be social outcasts.

Wednesday came and the kids and I went to Max’s first speech class. As we sat in the lobby waiting for the speech therapist another family walked in. The mom tall with long red hair, a young girl with glasses, about Lucy’s age and their youngest daughter with long beautiful blonde curls. The speech therapist arrived and the youngest girl and Max walked off to class. I introduced myself and asked if they were also homeschoolers (it was in the middle of the day so it was a safe assumption). She timidly responded, “yes, this is our first year” – I controlled my enthusiasm as much as I could when I responded, “ours too. How old is your daughter?” She pulled up a chair next to me and said “This is Madison, and she’s ten”

Thank the Lord above!!

Well, Lucy and Madison hit it off right away with a whole list of things in common and as the mother and I chatted so did we. As we walked back to the car Lucy turned and said “I made a new friend.” Friendship is always easy with the right person.

Family Life, Pregnancy

4 Reasons Why Being an Old Mom Rocks and 1 Reason Why It Sucks

November 15, 2013 blogobeth Leave a comment

I was 39 when I gave birth to Harper, medically classifying me as a mother of “advanced maternal age”. It is so nice of the medical community to not just call me “old”. Since then I’ve had more than one woman ask me if I have regretted having children later in life. I find this to be such an odd question because it somehow implies that I chose to have children this late in life. Although I’m sure there are many women who actually “chose”, I did not. My late motherhood is a product of the natural progression of my life (marriage at 30 + infertility issues + one miscarriage). As I watch my high school friends send their children to prom and college and begin to enjoy their empty nest I’m still trying to get my last little chick to poop in the potty. And although I sit here physically exhausted after spending the past week dealing with three children with the stomach flu I can’t imagine my life unfolding any other way. Here are my top 4 reasons it’s awesome to be an old mom and 1 reason why it sucks.

1.) I Didn’t Give Up Anything

Our society is obsessed with the role of women. There are books written about it and specialists and therapists and TED talks all about the choice women face between career and family. It is rather absurd since the real answer is unique to each person. I feel lucky that I have been able to be both mother and professional. I started working in advertising and media in 1992. I started in radio, moved to non-profit, then online media. I’ve worked as a strategist, project manager, consultant, business analyst and a myriad of other titles. I’ve had clients in England, France, Japan, Columbia, Mexico, Canada and elsewhere. I’ve traveled and met CEOs and had large expense accounts, managing million dollar clients. It was fun and exciting and when I walked away from that in 2006, when Max was born, I didn’t think twice about leaving. I have been able to have both – family and career – and for that I’m lucky. As an older mom you have the unique ability to experience both sides of the fence – wholly and completely without feeling like you are choosing one over the other.

2.) Selflessness Versus Selfishness

When you are young you are selfish and myopic. This isn’t a bad thing, this is just biology. You are consumed with your own life, your own career, your own needs. Sometime in your mid-twenties you are ready to think about somebody else and so you get married but children demand a whole different level of selflessness. In order to be a parent you must be willing to give up practically EVERYTHING. The demands of parenthood are extreme. The thing about being in my thirties is that I don’t mind giving all that stuff up. It is easier for me to understand the demands of the now versus the demands of the later.

3.) Money

I’m more financially stable. With fourteen years of career under my belt and a solid salary I was able to pay off debt, invest in a 401K and build a nest egg. Yes, children are expensive and my kids won’t be going to private schools or fancy colleges but they also won’t be in debt. In addition we can afford the vacation here and there, a bigger house, and we don’t have quite all the same money worries that so many young parents face.

4.) Confidence

There are few areas of life that are filled with as much unsolicited advice as parenting. The sheer number of books that populate the world telling you how to be a parent is mind boggling and when you add that to the advice given from well meaning relatives and friends — well it is a miracle anybody gets it wrong. All that advice can make you doubt every step, every decision and you can find yourself feeling the need to stand so firmly in your convictions that you become the self-righteous parent. The nice thing about being an older mom is that I don’t give two craps what other people think. Your late thirties and forties brings you a good dose of self confidence and belief in yourself. As a result the whims of parenting trends don’t ruffle my feathers nearly as much.

All of this sounds lovely but there are definite downsides to being an older mom and the number one reason is biology. When you’re twenty and have kids your body bounces right back. The weight melts away and your stomach retains it’s shape. The burden on your body is barely felt. In my thirties having children has left an indelible mark. My bladder control was gone after child number 2. My ability to keep my stomach acid in my stomach left after child number 3. My abdominal muscles were permanently damaged after child number 2 and just made worse by child number 3. Far too often I hear doctors say to me, “yeah, well we can’t fix that, that is what happens after three kids in your thirties”. These young mothers who so self-righteously complain that if women just watched their weight and exercised they could fit back into their bikini need to have their third child at 39 and then tell me how easy it is. For the record I never gained more than 20lbs with any of my pregnancies and yet the damage to my body would tell a different story. The nice thing though is that nobody expects me to look good in a bikini at 43 so I guess it doesn’t really matter.

Kids

Warning: Graphic Content

October 13, 2013 blogobeth Leave a comment

People say that sometimes you can see your child’s future profession by observing their strengths and disposition. If this is true than Harper is destined to be a dictator of a small South American country.

Harper has all the typical personality markings of a toddler. She demands infinite and total control of her surroundings and her minions, aka Mommy, Sister, Brother and Daddy. This expression of total control can be witnessed in every aspect of her life. She refuses to brush her hair, wash her hair, take a bath, wear shoes, wear appropriate clothes or clothes at all, take medicine, eat her vegetables, eat food, drink water, buckle her seat belt, share her toys, etc. In other words, she will do what she wants, when she wants or Lord help the person standing in the way. This willfulness and domination has also included potty training.

Yes, I am going there.

Harper is 3 years and 8 months old. I started potty training her at 18 months. She pretty quickly caught on to peeing in the potty and hated wearing a diaper at night and so her ability to “hold it” was quite advanced at a very early age. Harper has total control of her kidney and bladder. As a matter of fact if we could isolate the gene for this total control perhaps we could solve the obesity crisis. This child has the ability to “hold it” for up to 15 hours. She “holds it” for so long that I’m amazed that she hasn’t given herself a kidney infection.

As a result you can imagine how this affected our ability to get her to go “#2” in the potty. At first she clung to using her diapers but when I produced a Minnie Mouse pink bicycle and told her she could have it once she pooped in the potty – well, the gauntlet had been thrown. If I knew then about the battle of wills that was before me I don’t think I would have bought the bike. Harper agreed to not poop in diapers. I rejoiced in my success and smugly felt I had beaten my tiny dictator. But before my victory lap was complete she announced that she also was not going to poop in the potty. She explained quite sweetly that she wasn’t going to poop – EVER.

Now, you and I know as rational adults that you can’t do this. We know that your body will make you do this whether you want to or not. UNLESS YOU ARE HARPER AND WIELD UNQUESTIONABLE CONTROL OVER YOUR ENTIRE SURROUNDINGS. Harper didn’t poop – FOR SEVEN DAYS. I’m not sure how much experience you have being around a constipated and control freak 3 year old but let me show you what it was like:

what-is-air-colbert-1

After several hours of blood-curdling screams and impassioned pleas by me, Harper agreed to sit on the potty. She screamed and cried, sweat was pouring down both of our heads. I frantically rubbed her back and tried to say soothing things while tears streamed down my face. She screamed and screamed and screamed and finally she pooped. And as we both sat there in the bathroom, slumped on the floor, emotionally exhausted, Harper wrapped her little arms around my neck and said, “Do I get my bike now?”

Homeschool

The First Week Of Homeschool

August 30, 2013 blogobeth Leave a comment

We finished our first week of homeschool. The anticipation and excitement has faded and now all that is left is the realization that we will be doing this every day. I thought I would share my top four revelations of the week.

1.) Stress

I never realized how much stress is added to my house during the school year until it was gone. Lucy and I had developed a nasty habit of fighting every single morning of school. It was a constant stream of me nagging her to get dressed, brush her teeth, brush her hair, get her clothes on, eat her breakfast, don’t forget her lunch, etc, etc. Most mornings we were left with the bitterness of anger in both of our mouths as we started our days. That is gone. Vanished. No more. And it is a welcome respite. In addition, was this intense pressure at night to hurry up and do homework, take showers, pack lunches and get in bed because school starts in the morning. Although this didn’t always spill out onto the kids it ate away at me, this constant cloud of “they have to get enough sleep, did you sign everything? Pack everything?” The kids still need to wake up and get dressed and we start school at around 9:00 but since we are the ones in charge there is no bell to answer. If we happen to start at 8:45 (which we did on Monday) then fine and if we start at 9:30 (like we did on Thursday) well that is okay too.

2.) Easier Than It Looks

This first week was pretty easy and with a little planning was not hard. Most days we finished our school work by 1:00-2:00. The kids had an agenda and worked pretty quickly through what they needed to get done. Don’t get me wrong, we had arguments. Max had to write lines this week and Lucy got sent to her room on two separate occasions, but overall it wasn’t difficult to get them through handwriting, math and science without even blinking. Unlike regular school we have so many more creative options. Max woke up Tuesday not feeling well and so elected to watch a 1 hour documentary on the Mars rover (thank you AppleTV and Netflix) and built his own version of the rover out of Lego. Once he had perked up we went on to do math and his other more structured lessons. Without the confines of a school the kids really take the lead in their own education. Once we started our unit on outer space they came up with their own lesson ideas and activities. Next thing I knew we were building alien landscapes, Lucy was creating a powerpoint presentation on the planets and we were searching for directions on how to make Mars sand.

3.) The Problems Are Obvious

As a parent you have suspicions regarding your child’s educational strengths and weaknesses, but unless you are in the classroom there is no real way of knowing. In a week I’ve learned more about my kid’s strengths and weaknesses than I have the last three years combined. The struggling that I knew Max was experiencing is actually far more challenging than I suspected. However, his strengths in math and science were impressive and I was glad to see he has an area of confidence from which we can build. To see how much he is still struggling in writing, reading and comprehension really reinforced the importance of our decision to keep him home. Lucy is working at lightening speed and although I knew she was bright even I was not prepared for the speed in which she can quickly work through a lesson. I had this idea that certain subjects I would be able to teach them together, but fundamentally I don’t think that is going to work. Although Lucy is academically strong she has developed HORRIBLE study habits and we will definitely be working on fixing those this school year.

4.) The Reward

I love being a teacher and have found it to be an incredibly rewarding career. It never occurred to me that I might find teaching my own children even more rewarding. As a teacher you live for those “light bulb moments” – the moment a student looks at you and says “I get it!” I can live off of those moments for days, sucking every last drip of professional contentment out of them. I never expected that if I combined that moment with the love I have for my own children that that moment could actually be made better. The highlight of my week was overhearing Lucy from the kitchen yelling, “MAX! DID YOU KNOW THAT IT IS 365 DEGREES ON NEPTUNE? I’D HAVE TO TAKE ALL MY CLOTHES OFF AND SHAVE ALL MY HAIR JUST TO STAY COOL!” or hearing my kids discuss which letters they like to write while finishing their handwriting practice. Wow, that’s pretty awesome.

I’m sketching out the lesson plans for the next couple of weeks and as of now I could not be happier with our decision. I know that challenging times still lay ahead for us but I feel confident that we can manage them since we control our own educational destiny.