One of the hardest things I face as a college professor are young, teen mothers. When I meet them they are in one of two places; pregnant and blissfully excited or with a preschool aged child, single and determined. I waiver between wanting to lecture these girls or take them home with me.
The pregnant ones break my heart. They are passionately “in love” with their boyfriend whom they “know” will stand by them after the baby is born. However, when I look into their eyes they don’t know about the bomb that is about to detonate in their life. Some of them have a plan, but unfortunately, most don’t. Some of them have parents supporting them, but most are on their own. Disappointed, disgusted and dazed parents who in order to express their displeasure have forced the girl into being dependent on the one guy who probably does not have her best interests at heart. Many of them think that they will continue to go to school after the baby, or work, or both. So I find myself with three precious months to do the best I can to tell them, warn them, and prepare them for motherhood. How do you do that?
A nineteen year old is ill prepared to understand the depth that they will need to give in order to be a mother. It is not the obvious (sleepless nights) but the lack of energy, focus, time, money that is more subversive. When I hear these girls tell me, so confidently, “I’m only taking one semester off for the baby and then I’m coming back”. Yeah. That was like me telling the dentist that I would come back for those x-rays right after Lucy was born. Hmm, that was also the last time I saw a dentist – any dentist – in 2003. This is not to say that somehow when you get older you magically understand the depth of motherhood. You don’t. You bring that first baby home and it launches its own “shock and awe” campaign. Nobody can truly describe motherhood.
I recently was talking to one of my students who poignantly phrased it like this; “I mean, I want to have kids, but like, you have to give your WHOLE life to them. I don’t think I’m ready for that.” Yep, your WHOLE life and at nineteen you haven’t lived enough of your life to even know what it is you’re giving. A couple of semesters ago I had a young girl, pregnant, unmarried, working at Blockbuster making $7 an hour. She was working 40 hours a week because she needed the money to pay for rent, food, etc. However, all that time at work combined with pregnancy fatigue gave her little time to do her schoolwork. She was failing. When I asked her what her plans were after the baby was born, she shrugged her shoulders. I lie awake at night thinking about her. How will she survive? How will she support her child? When will the cycle be broken?
As a society we have failed these girls. Our men have failed these girls. Fathers who neglected their daughters create young girls desperate for affection. Societal messages that support and condone premarital sex, combined with a sex education system that half the time doesn’t know what it is supposed to be doing, leaves these girls poorly armed to make good decisions. I understand that teenagers have, and will continue to have, sex before marriage. This is not a modern phenomenon. Unfortunately I think all the lectures and finger pointing has always gone in the direction of the girls – the girls who must live with the consequences of these decisions. Why are we not equally shaking our fingers at the boys? Where is the societal pressure and displeasure at the boys? Why are we not holding our boys and men more accountable for THEIR choices? Why are we not raising our boys to feel more responsibility, to honor and protect women and not “get what they can get”?
As a mother, and a teacher, I’m sad for these girls. What will their future be like? What will the future of their children be like? Perhaps ignorance is bliss and they will be gleefully happy because they don’t know what they’ve missed. I can only hope.
