All posts by blogobeth

Because I’ve Got It All Figured Out

Several years ago, when the Internet bubble burst and everybody was busy waving their prudish fingers at all those “crazy web people”, David and I found ourselves both unemployed.  Thankfully we were childless at the time, but we still had a mortgage payment and we do like to eat.  David and I quickly created a DBA (doing business as) and launched Morley Interactive.  The purpose of this homespun business was to keep the lights on and keep us fed while we weathered the bad technology storm and waited for new jobs to become available.  During this time we found ourselves without health insurance.

David and I were both young (I was a mere 33 and he 29).  We hadn’t had any major health issues outside of the norm and felt confident in our ability to garner some basic health insurance that would help us get through this tough time.  We did what most normal humans would do and that is began calling insurance companies.  We were flatly denied.  DENIED! Nobody would insure us.  You know why? Because David was treated for bronchitis once and I was treated for indigestion – both considered pre-existing chronic conditions.   Now let me take a quick poll – if you are human and have EVER in your LIFE had bronchitis or indigestion please stand up.  Oh, WOW, that is like EVERYBODY! That is the day I lost faith in our health care system. If the insurance companies are wondering why they are getting painted as the only bad guys in this debate, well, they have no one to blame but themselves.

The health care debate is complicated and no single person or entity is to blame for the situation that we are in – however, it is broken.  It is wrong that my ob/gyn is more worried about getting sued than she is about practicing medicine.  It is awful that malpractice insurance is driving more talented doctors out of medicine and forcing them to think more about the bottom line.  A mentality that is reinforced by the insurance companies who, regardless of what their ads say, are also more concerned about their bottom line than making sure people are properly treated.  On the other hand, this profit-driven mentality is also the driving force behind most (if not all) the fantastic scientific and medical breakthroughs that we see on a frequent basis here in the states.  Big ideas can almost always be found near big money.  So how do we take away the drive for profit without also ridding ourselves of the innovative quality that makes the American system unique?  How do we take out the money but still motivate people to dedicate their life to curing cancer.  Yes, curing cancer is a wonderful cause, but those doctors and scientists have mortgage payments too.

It actually doesn’t bother me that doctors make a lot of money.  It is a hard, difficult job that requires a great deal more time in education and training than I could ever stand for.  Not to mention that your entire life you are dealing with people at their worst – grumpy, stinky, sick, smelly, etc. I would hate that.  I’m even okay with pharmaceutical companies making a lot of money because of how much they reinvest in research and development of new drugs.  It does bother me that insurance companies – WHO PROVIDE NOTHING –  are making obscene amounts of money.

President Obama, let me give you a friendly piece of advice.  Stop trying to fix ALL of the problems in one bill.  You won’t ever get it passed.  Stick to insurance reform.  Nobody likes these people, few congressmen will be able to argue against it and still keep their constituency at home.  Is it a total fix? No, but it is a start and at least then you can say you did something, because from where I’m sitting you’re gettin’ nowhere fast.

Abraham Lincoln Would Be Horrified

Warning: this post is about politics. Feel free to ignore it, dismiss it, or be mildly offended. Don’t, however, be totally offended because I still want us to be friends.

Although I hate declaring a political affiliation I do trend to the conservative side of the spectrum.  I frequently vote a split ticket and firmly believe that both parties are essential in order for our system to properly work.  However, when push comes to shove I usually end up voting Republican.  GW was my state Governor and overall I thought he did a pretty good job.  I voted for him to be president.  After the first four years I was pleased and so I voted for him again.  I was incredibly disappointed in the second four years of his presidential service.  When this most recent presidential election rolled around I almost didn’t vote.  I did vote. I didn’t vote for McCain and I didn’t vote for Obama.  For the first time in my life I wrote in a candidate.

As a conservative I have felt abandon by my party.  I’m embarrassed by most of its representatives and have found it difficult to find any thinking, reflective, and objective voices.  The comments and information I hear coming from the right seem to be more reflective of panic-inducing fear-mongering designed to sensationalize any relevant discussion.  The language and dialogue heard on TV and in the papers is one of hyperbole and narrow-mindedness.  As a citizen I feel betrayed and as a conservative I feel embarrassed.  I know there are intelligent, thoughtful conservative voices out there but finding them seems to be more difficult than winning the lottery.

Recently, I found this op-ed piece in the Dallas Morning News and all I can say is that Rod Dreher perfectly captures my disgust with regards to the conservative party.  I hope Republicans figure out how much of their constituency they are losing by sticking to this all-fear all-the-time mode of operation before the next election.  Otherwise I might find myself voting Democrat.

The Tri-Beth-ca

The Tri-Beth-ca
The Tri-Beth-ca relaxing lake side

David and his brother are the two oldest grandchildren.  David’s brother Paul was the first to marry and he chose a sweet girl named Beth.  David followed suit by also marrying a girl named Beth.  For the past ten years Beth and I have managed to navigate the tricky waters of having the EXACT same name (in fact our middle names are the same too).  I can only describe my sister-in-law as just shy of angelic.  I cannot imagine her doing anything purposefully malicious or cruel.  Everything about her spirit exudes kindness and gentility.  I suppose if I had married at a younger age I might have felt the insecurity of comparison or competition, but I haven’t.  Beth and I are as similar as we are different.  Each of us unique in our strengths and weaknesses.  We’ve grown to love and support each other and relish the honor of sharing each others name.

David’s cousin Eric will be the next male grandchild to marry. Eric is a quiet gentle soul and he has selected as his future bride a ‘Beth’.   This has meant a long string of Beth jokes and shaking of heads.  It is now difficult at restaurants, parties, gatherings to explain that indeed there are three Beths in the room and that it is important to be VERY specific regarding to whom you are speaking. I feel as if all this Beth power should somehow give us the ability to bend time, save the world, or solve the mysteries of the universe. Alas, it has only granted us the power to make really bad jokes.

The new Beth (or Beth3 as we like to call her) and I instantly bonded.  I dragged her to watch “Twilight” with me in the movie theater and as the credits rolled she quietly said, “You promise me to not tell anybody in the world that I saw this movie”.  Aaah, yes, you will round out the Tri-Beth-ca very nicely.

Wiser? Or Just Plain Old?

It felt like it happened over night. I stood there staring into the mirror and there they were staring back at me. Wrinkles. Oh, they are small and some might call them “character lines” but no matter what flowery language you use they are still wrinkles and they are on MY forehead.  I’m 39 and 40 is the next block over.  Things are different as I look down the barrel of this milestone and not in the ways I expected.

From the moment David and I met I have always taken great pride in the fact that I’m not a jealous person.  I have entertained and fed more than one of David’s ex-girlfriends.  I have watched him attend bachelor parties, happy hours, and other events without me and have never thought twice about it.  He has spent days at photo shoots with professional models, and his office is frequently filled with beautiful single women.  It has never once bothered me.  Why? Well, I’m pretty secure with myself and in my relationship. I figure if David was really bent on straying nothing I could ever say or do would stop him.  And yet, without warning, things are starting to change.

Before you think that somehow my marriage has hit rocky ground it has not.  David and I are as solid and in love as ever.  What has changed, is me, and it has a great deal more to do with those suspicious wrinkles on my forehead than I’d like to admit.  It all fell into place when I read this recent article by Mommy Track’d. I am more jealous of the women my husband works with and the time he spends away from the house. Why? Because I’m no longer the young, 20-something, career minded, sexy, independent super girl I was when we met.  No, my body now wears the scars of two children and four pregnancies. I have stretch marks, and cellulite, and wrinkles. The circles around my eyes, that used to be easily gotten rid of with some ice cubes and good eye cream, no longer vanish over night – or sometimes at all. That high-power, high-paying career that I had forged for myself is now a victim on the sidelines of my life.  I can no longer compete with the women that my husband interacts with on a daily basis and at 39 I’m all too aware of it.

David assures me that those things are no longer important to him.  He laughs and scowls when I bring it up telling me that in place of those things I have provided him with a home, children, a foundation for him to build his life. That we always have been and always will be soul-mates fatefully locked together.  I know he is telling me the truth. I know he means all the words coming from his mouth.  But I can’t help but miss that 20-something young super girl and wonder if sometimes he misses her too? I’m not mourning the loss of my younger body (because lets face it, it was never GREAT), but I miss the confidence that the younger me had. I miss the seemingly bottomless pit of belief and passion I felt within myself.

Perhaps that is what getting older and wiser is all about.  You lose your unshakable confidence because you more honestly recognize your faults and misgivings.  You no longer need the shield of false bravado to get through life but instead gain the greater strength of seeing yourself more nakedly than you ever have before.  And this honesty, this unfiltered vision, brings with it fear of who you REALLY are not who you were trying to pretend to be the first 30 years.  And just perhaps that is true wisdom.

Don’t Worry Dooce – I’m Coming to Your Rescue

I was first introduced to blogging by reading Dooce (Heather Armstrong). David had returned from a web conference where she had spoken on a round table.  He was impressed. He found her funny, and witty and thought I would like her.  I started reading her blog in 2004. We had kids the same age and I could completely relate to her voice.  My story is not unique and I’m sure many of you found Dooce early in your blogging and/or were inspired by her.  Heather is HUGE in the blogging world and will always be one of the few bloggers with that level of success.  So this week when she came under attack for doing what most bloggers do everyday I was offended on her behalf.

Now I realize Heather does not need me defending her, nor does she need anybody justifying her actions.  However, it is easy to hit a large target and then hide behind our own tiny corner of the internet world fearless of reprisal.  That doesn’t seem fair.  So Heather, this one is for you.

We’ve all experienced bad customer service.  We’ve all had those moments when we wish we could scream from the hilltops that so and so company has screwed us royal and the injustice of it all makes us want to commit violence. I’ve had more than my share and if pressed could recount names, companies and violations of my consumer trust.  Heather’s experience with Maytag over the last couple of months was horrific and obnoxious.  She was justified in her anger and you know what? Unlike the rest of us she does have a hilltop to scream from about it and she did.  Now, some people were quick to call her a bully and that she was abusing her power but that is not how I see it.

Heather Armstrong always has been and always will be a mommy-blogger. Period. She is a mom writing about her life.  She is one of thousands of us and yes, she is more famous than the rest of us but she is still a mommy blogger.  One of the main functions of mommy-blogging and the reason why any company is interested in us is because we provide honest and trustworthy feedback about products and services that we use.  I trust a fellow Mom to be honest with her experiences.

In the five years I have been reading Heather Armstrong I have always found her to be honest, and transparent in any product she has ever mentioned (which does not happen often).  I have seen her be very liberal in her praise for companies that have gone above and beyond and careful with her criticism.  As a result she has earned my respect and trust.  So when she began to blast Maytag on Twitter I knew there had to be more to the story – that this wasn’t Heather blowing hot air for no reason. When she explained the situation it was obvious that she had given Maytag an appropriate amount of time to fix the problem and indeed they eventually provided her with proper customer service.

Would a large company respond to our blog post or Tweets?  Absolutely not.  However, they should respond. I agree with Heather that we all should complain as loudly as we can when a company violates our consumer trust.  Perhaps we won’t get satisfaction but Maytag warranted being embarrassed publicly and they were.  The truth is more companies deserve that kind of public lambasting and as mommy-bloggers I feel that is part of our responsibility.

Mommy-blogging has suddenly become over run with writers who are more interested in wooing sponsors than being truly honest about their products.  When all product reviews and discussions that you see on blogs are positive, well, it sort of dilutes the purpose and value of those opinions.  Heather was honest. She used her powers for good (both by getting her own problem fixed and by getting appliances donated to a woman’s shelter). And trust me, if we all had that power when somebody screwed us, we would wield it without regret.

What People Are Talking About

Hopefully these answers will clear up some questions I’ve been receiving lately.

1.) When is the baby due?

The official due date is February 21st, which also happens to be Lucy’s birthday.  I’m not too worried about this date since Lucy was born 3 1/2 weeks early and Max was born 2 1/2 weeks early.  I figure this baby will be 1 1/2 weeks early which should put it’s birthday at around February 11th.

2.) Wasn’t Max born January 28th? and Lucy February 21st? What are you guys doing in the spring?

Yes, well, we didn’t plan it that way.  Apparently David and I always have sex on the same day.  Or perhaps it is spring fever. I have no idea. I cannot explain it.

3.) I thought you had decided to not have any other kids.

You would be correct we had — sort of.  Although intellectually we didn’t want any more and emotionally we were scared to have any more, I think our hearts always wanted another.  I think Walt Disney said it best; “a dream is a wish your heart makes”.  And so our dream came true.

4.) Didn’t you sell your crib?

Yes, and every other baby item we owned. We have no bottles, bibs, burp cloths, clothes, rattles, toys, high chair, stroller, etc.  You name it, we got rid of it.  We are starting all over again.  Do I feel stupid? Yes.  This would be a great time for Target to sponsor me in order to promote their baby registry.  Or perhaps Graco. Anybody? Anybody?

5.) Bottles? You’re not breastfeeding.

My stressful and terrible experience with breastfeeding has been documented. Yes, you may now call CPS because of all the horrifying and abusive things I do to my children apparently not breastfeeding is the worst of these.  I am happy to report that my children are very bright  and have not contracted any major illnesses since birth.  When my choices are bleeding nipples and a mother having a nervous breakdown or a calm mother sweetly bottle feeding into the wee hours of the morning.  Well, sanity always wins for me. I know – I’m selfish.

Oh, and I’m desperate for a good bottle recommendation since I no longer know what to get.  We used Avent last time, but honestly I had issues with those bottles so I’d like to go with a different brand.

6.) Will you continue to teach?

This is the million dollar question. Ideally I’d like to continue to teach online through the pregnancy and delivery.  Okay, not WHILE I’m delivering, but you get the idea.  However, that is a tough schedule to get for a part-time faculty member. I’ve requested it – whether I get it or not is quite another thing.

7.) Are you scared?

Amazingly, no.  As a matter of fact in contrast to my previous two pregnancies I have not felt this overwhelming desire to start planning everything down to the color of the baby’s eyes.  No, I’ve been far more relaxed this time.  I feel like I have all the time in the world – even though I know I don’t. Honestly there are many days when I forget that I’m even pregnant (that is until I belch vomit into my mouth). I feel confident that God will provide, that the answers will be there, that things will happen according to a plan that is not my own.  Ask me again in November. I’m sure by then my type-A personality will be back and I’ll be in full panic mode.

8.) What do the kids think?

They have been wonderful.  They are both very excited and frequently will pull things out of the closet and say “this would be a good thing for the baby”.  Max set aside all of his old clothes for the baby and Lucy is busy coming up with names.  Her most recent suggestion was Ava and Max’s was Joanio.

Hopefully that clears up any outstanding questions.  Feel free to send me links to any cool baby stores, or baby websites.  It has been so long since I’ve had to think about baby stuff that I feel lost. What P

Who Does the Dishes In Your House?

David and I recently got into a conversation about daily chores.  I jokingly asked him; “what do you think I do during the day?” I was truly expecting him to have absolutely no idea and although he missed some of the small things he did grasp the big picture.  He quickly rattled off, “you do the laundry, all the grocery shopping, cooking, and everything to do with the kids from dressing them to planning their school days”.  He left out some of the smaller things like dishes, trash, cleaning the house, buying presents for birthdays, planning family gatherings, etc, etc but I was actually impressed that he recognized as much as he did.

David has a very demanding job that requires that he be out of the house from 8AM to 7PM.  There just isn’t a lot of time during the day or weekends for him to “help out”.  As a result this is how we divide the work load:

David:

  • Pays bills & money management
  • Car & home maintenance
  • Lawn care

Beth:

  • Everything else
  • Hires housekeeper to clean house

For some people this may seem unfair, but most of the time this arrangement works just fine.  David and I have pretty good communication skills so when one of us needs more help we ask for it.  For instance, I’ve already begun asking for more help in the evenings. I’m pregnant and tired and the evening demands of the kids is are hard on me.

This now makes me curious – how do you divide the workload in your house? or do you? Do you strive for everything to be equal? Have you sat down to make a list? Is this a chronic source of tension in your marriage or have you come to peace on this issue? I’ve read in several places that household chores is one of the most common problems married couples face (next to sex and money).  I’m always fascinated how other couples navigate this tricky ground.  Seriously, how do you split up the work?

New Horizons

From early on David and I decided against sending our kids to preschool.  David comes from a bevy of educators who have all told us again and again that preschool is not necessary.  That society has created this feeling of urgency to shove kids into school at too young of an age and that anything our kids would learn at preschool they could comfortabley learn at home.  These people are experts.  These are people who have spent more time reading, studying and learning about early childhood development than I could ever imagine knowing in my entire lifetime.  No problem.

Lucy has either been home with me or with a nanny from the day she was born.  She has spent her mornings tumbling out of bed, shuffling around her pj’s and drinking chocolate milk like a drunk sailor. Over the years I have carefully tracked her development against what is expected of kindergarten age children and indeed Lucy has always met or exceeded developmental milestones — except for scissors. Our first note from Lucy’s kindergarten teacher was to let us know that for a five year old Lucy was really lacking in her scissor skills.  OH MY GOSH MY DAUGHTER WILL NEVER SUCCEED IN LIFE BECAUSE SHE CAN’T CUT ON A STRAIGHT LINE!!! For the record, I have always supremely sucked at cut and paste and I’m assuming that Lucy has inherited this apparent lack of scissor skills from me.

We had a nanny lined up at the beginning of the summer for Max but this person fell through and I had to start the search for a new care-giver.  We ended re-hiring a former nanny and this seemed like a perfect resolution.  Max would continue to stay at home, like his sister, and be cared for by the same person who nurtured Lucy.  Two weeks before the school year was to start for me that person informed us that she couldn’t do it.  I was screwed.  Two weeks is not nearly enough time to find a quality nanny.  We were left with few options.  We enrolled Max into preschool.

Yesterday was Max’s first day of preschool.  My anxiety and self-doubt as a parent over this decision is bottomless. I have never second-guessed and questioned a parenting decision as much as I have this one. David dropped Max at preschool yesterday.  David was filled with trepidation and viewed all the people at the school with a cynical eye.  Max, after a brief moment of shyness and tears, quickly settled down and never looked back.  When I eagerly picked him up he was cheerful and excitedly told me about his new friends.

This is the ultimate truth about parenting;  kids are usually ready for new challenges and experiences long before their parents are ready.  I can justify and explain this decision all day but it still won’t make me feel any better.