All posts by blogobeth

Family Life, Kids

Gratitude

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Sometimes an argument over a toy can lead me to say ugly words, causing my bottomless patience to vanish in a flash

Sometimes the simple sound of Max’s heavy breathing at night can awake worry and concern

Sometimes the smell of Lucy’s hair as it is nestled tightly under my nose can be comforting

Sometimes the non-stop prattle of school day stories from the back seat can disappear into the air with little acknowledgment from me.

Car pool, packing lunches, homework, breakfast, lunch, dinner, play time, clean up, stories and the days bleed together.

And then you hear it, read it, see it

Big eyes, small hands, sometimes with a look of fear, a look of resignation. Each story tells of loss, heart break and a child yearning for the love and comfort of a home like mine.  And then the feeling starts to spread. You suddenly are reawakened to the subtle noise of craft projects, sibling squabbles, and the noise of your own children.  The sounds of love, security and comfort. Sounds that these lost children, the children with no family or parents or future can only dream about.

I don’t worry about whether or not my children will eat.

I don’t worry about how safe it is for them to go to school.

I don’t worry if my children will be kidnapped or if bombs will destroy our house.

I’m grateful that my children won’t ever have to face the fear of an unknown future, go to bed hungry or worry about being cold at night. That gratitude, that sigh of relief we all release when watching the latest news story, is fleeting. We breath it, we mean it, but it is always short-lived. Perhaps this Thanksgiving I’ll try to be grateful for feeling more gratitude.

Once again, I am inspired by Scribbit’s Write Away Contest.

Uncategorized

Max the Sinister

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Let me introduce you to the most stubborn child in the world. I’ve learned over the last four years to not try to fight the power that is my stubborn son.  He is a Callaway – which means once his mind is made up there is no persuading him.  However, David, my sweet tender husband still believes that somehow he is in charge and that he can force his will upon the natural force of his son.  Let me present this example.

Maxsick

Max has been fighting a cold.  Nothing serious but it has resulted in a deep, wet cough that requires the intake of regular cough medicine.  Although Max has normally been willing to take his medicine this time around every dose has been an argument. Since most over-the-counter medications only marginally help I don’t fight him. If he doesn’t want to take it – don’t take it. However, he is not sleeping well at night and it has started to become imperative that he take it prior to bed time. This evening as I presented him with his tiny 1 tsp dose he instantly cranked up the tears and tantrum.  I shouted to David for suggestions on how to force a 3 year old to swallow something he doesn’t want to swallow.  David bolted into the bathroom prepared to show me how a man would take charge of this tiny tot’s tantrum.  I silently giggled.

Attempt #1

David threatens Max with instant bed time and no more video games if he doesn’t swallow his medicine.  Max presses the plastic cup to his mouth, squishing his nose and squirting tears at an alarming rate. He opens his mouth and as he pours the syrup into his mouth he turns his head sideways so all the medicine pours directly out and into the sink.

Attempt #2

David cranks up the threats with spanks and the inability to play xBox if he doesn’t swallow his medicine. Max refuses. He will neither hold the cup nor attempt to swallow it.  Tears are flowing freely and Max is trying to hide his face.  David forcefully tilts his head back and pours the medicine into his mouth.  Max holds the medicine in his mouth and then tilts his head forward and lets it all spill into the sink. (Did I mention that this medicine costs $10 a bottle?)

Attempt #3

David is exasperated but feeling as stubborn as Max.  I, on the other hand, am laughing. I am so amazingly impressed with my son’s strong will and my husband’s inability to see that he is losing this battle on all fronts. David grabs Max’s head, tilts it backwards, pours the medicine in his mouth and starts shouting at him to SWALLOW!  Max eventually surrenders and swallows the medicine although tears are everywhere and snot is pouring down his nose.  David leaves the bathroom triumphantly and Max is left crying to his sister, “Daddy made me take medicine.”

And people wonder why I’m hesitant to have his tonsils removed.  You know why? Because if there is one kid in this world who will refuse to take in liquids regardless of how thirsty or how yummy the drink offered is it will be my son.  The good news is that I can’t imagine trying to peer pressure him into doing ANYTHING.

Family Life

Swine Flu: From The Trenches of Texas

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I live in Dallas. We are widely considered ground zero for Swine Flu.  Dallas is one of the first cities identified with the Swine Flu and it was originally tracked back to the I35 corridor which runs straight through the heart of Dallas right to Mexico. The first deaths from Swine Flu were reported in Texas.  As a result I know many, many people and students who have had the Swine Flu.  So, let me tell you a little secret about the Swine Flu, it isn’t that big of a deal.  Oh sure, we’ve had deaths, and it isn’t something that should be ignored if contracted, but mass hysteria is definitely not warranted.  I’ve had a variety of students contract and recover from the Swine Flu.  Most of my students get the illness and spend about two days at home with Tamiflu and then they are on the mend. Most confirm that it was a horrible cold, but that is about it.  I’m in the highest risk category of people to contract Swine Flu.  I have two small children in school, I’m a teacher and I’m pregnant.  I could not be higher risk if I tried. Am I concerned? Nah, not really.  I haven’t had the flu shot or the Swine Flu vaccine.  I’m not against the vaccine and indeed if offered it I probably will take it, but getting the flu shot or the Swine Flu vaccine has been nearly impossible and so I haven’t worried about it. The biggest and most important thing to look for is a quick onset of a high fever.  Although everyone in the family has been sick this cold season we have yet to experience fever.

We have not had any school closures even though many schools are facing high absentee rates.  I have not kept my children home nor would I.  My only worry, as of this point, is Max and that is simply because every cold he gets aggravates his chronically swollen tonsils and makes everything worst for him.  However, my precautions pretty much entail monitoring his temperature closely when he doesn’t feel well and keeping him home from school when I can.

I know many of you are concerned about this illness and are struggling with whether or not to keep your children home from school.  I can’t make that decision for you but I hope hearing about what it is like in one of the worst parts of the country for Swine Flu will put your mind at ease.  Remember, the media only reports the worst cases, but the majority of cases are just a really bad cold.

Family Life, Pregnancy

Let Me Present Hell In A Handbasket

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Ever have those times in your life when everything feels like it has been put on fast-forward?  Oh sure, kids sort of make you feel like that all the time, but there are times, special times, when it feels even faster than that?  Well, that is where I am. Every morning I feel like my life has taken a hit of crack cocaine and forgot to share the goods with my body.  My life is moving faster and yet my body and mind have slowed down to a pace that resembles the mental capacity of a retarded puppy.  I know all you moms out there who have been juggling multiple kids in school for a long time now will feel no sympathy for me, but DAMN it is hard and why the hell did nobody tell me?

Three days a week my day resembles this:

5:45: wake up as quietly as humanly possible so I can shower and dress without interruption. This works 50% of the time

6:45: wake Lucy up (if not already awake). Cartoons, chocolate milk and the morning soothing of Max who routinely wakes up crying for no apparent reason

7:00: Lucy gets dressed and we pack to leave for school (both her and I must prep for school.  I rarely get breakfast since I take my Thyroid meds at 6:00 and we’re out the door by 7:15 – no time for breakfast)

7:15: leave for school

7:30: drop Lucy off at school

8:00 – 2:30: I teach, grade papers, prep for class, meet with students, etc, etc.  If I’m lucky I get to eat lunch. Lunch happens about 50% of the time

2:45: I pick up Lucy from school

3:15: I pick up Max from school

4:00: back home and if I’m lucky I get a 20 minute cat nap.

5:00: dinner and pre-dinner snacking mixed with homework, cleaning out lunch boxes, etc.

6:00: dinner

7:00: PJ’s, bedtime movie. etc

8:30: kids are in bed

9:00: pack lunches for tomorrow, lay out uniforms, pack backpack and prep for school for the next day

9:30: dishes, and clean up from dinner

10:00: 1 hour of TV for mommy (this is a luxury, in reality I should be grading papers, but I’m mentally dead by this point)

11:00: bedtime, which usually looks like me falling asleep on the couch and David waking me up to remind me that I own a bed and I may want to use it.

On the days I don’t teach it looks slower but I’m so desperate to get caught up from the days that I do teach that most of the time I spend the day overwhelmed and paralyzed with the tasks ahead of me. My ability to manage even the most simplest of tasks is absent.

I don’t know if it is my age with this pregnancy or just that every pregnancy is different but this time around, well, my mental capacity is gone.  I’m experiencing huge mood swings, and an inability to focus my thinking or concentrate. I cry, laugh, get angry, have little patience and frequently feel overwhelmed by something as simple as the dishes. As soon as I feel the slightest bit caught up I have a day when I land in bed and I slide right back to where I was.  I know I probably should have been reaching out to my blogging network for support, but somehow that has felt like a luxury that I haven’t been able to afford.

On the positive side I have a husband who has no problem making himself a sandwich or a plate of eggs for dinner. David has tried to be understanding of the emotional wreck of a wife that has somehow showed up for this pregnancy.  There are days when he looks at me like I’m an alien but has done his best to not say anything. There are days when he seems as confused as I do. There are days when we both just collapse into a heap of emotion and just cling to the nine years of history we have built with each other knowing that it will float us through.

Physically I feel fine. I have chronic indigestion and a cough that won’t go away but honestly, I have only gained about 7 pounds and feel great.  It is the mental, hormonal, emotional impact that I’m not weathering nearly as well as I have during other pregnancies. Even this blog post seems to ramble with no real point.  Please tell me this is normal and then hold me and tell me it will all be okay.

Marriage

And Yet He Will Always Be Younger

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davidface

Today is David’s birthday.  He turns 36 this year.  I always find it amazing that when I met him and we first started dating he was only 25.  That seems so young to me now.  Although he has less hair, some things never change.  David is still the funniest person I know.  He is the only person who can make me laugh until I pee and then make me laugh that I just peed. As cheesy as this is going to sound the song “Ain’t No Other Man” by Christina Aguilera ALWAYS makes me think of him – especially the chorus:

Ain’t no other man, can stand up next to you

Ain’t no other man on the planet does what you do

You’re the kind of guy a girl finds in a blue moon

You’ve got soul, you’ve got class,

you’ve got style with your bad ass,

Ain’t no other man its true.

That’s David – he’s got soul, he’s got class, he’s got style and he’s a total bad ass.  Now, if I could just get him to do the dishes once and awhile he’d be pretty close to perfect. Happy Birthday!!

Teaching/School, Uncategorized

The Student Becomes The Teacher

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I think it is egotistical and foolish of a teacher to think that all the learning happens in one direction.  My students are almost always younger than me but none of them are stupid.  At a minimum they bring fresh eyes to stories that I have read hundreds of times. Frequently their insights and interpretations are surprising and unexpected and that makes reading the story brand new.  Sometimes though it is the mirror that they hold up to me that makes me view my own life in unexpected ways.

English is one of the few classes students will take where they will be asked to be truly introspective.  This is what I always loved about English but for many this is an uncomfortable spot.  When you read you are asked to identify with characters, search within yourself for connections, wonder about your responses (both emotional and intellectual) and then ask why you responded that way.  This thinking process can lead to conversations that cover a whole host of personal experiences.  That is why my students and I connect – sometimes on a rather personal level. We talk about love, jealousy, loneliness, fears, anxiety, dreams, relationships, and connections to each other.  My goal, as a teacher and a guide, is to create a comfortable environment in which they feel safe discussing these sometimes personal topics.  Frequently this is done by me sharing my own stories.

Perhaps it is because I’m pregnant and emotional.  Perhaps it is because of this stage in my life. Perhaps it is because I have more “adult” or “older” students than ever before, but this semester my students have really pushed me to do more self-reflection. They have made me reflect on everything from why my marriage works, to how I define myself as a woman, and it has been uncomfortable.  It is easy to seem smart and wise when you automatically have time and experience on your side, but when that gap closes and you are faced with students who can think the big questions – well, I am no longer confident that I have the answers.

This semester we are reading “The Chrysanthemums” by John Steinbeck.  It is a beautiful story about a 35 year old woman named Elisa living on a farm with her husband in California.  I’ve read this story at least four times before selecting it for this semester, but this time the reading was much different.  I KNOW Elisa – I understand Elisa because parts of her are also parts of me.  As I stood in front of my classroom preparing to lead a discussion about this character I felt naked. I no longer knew how to talk about Elisa without also talking about myself and somehow the imaginary boundary line that I had always drawn in my mind was so much more difficult to see.  Were we talking about Elisa’s fears and anxieties or mine? And unlike previous semesters my students knew that and I felt small, embarrassed and inadequate.

We all look back on our education and can identify the teachers that changed us, influenced us and help shape us into the people we are today.  I can name every English teacher I have had since 9th grade.  Each one has contributed to me being an educator and the style with which I teach.  As a teacher I’m realizing that I will also have students that both shape me as an educator and influence who I am as a person. Students, who through no knowledge of their own, will change me.

Food

Some Things To Try

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October is a big party month for me.  David’s birthday is this month and our anniversary and my mother-in-law’s birthday and Halloween, etc, etc.  As a result I’m always on the look out for great fall snacks and treats that aren’t the typical orange cupcakes.  Here are some things that I want to try out this month:

Easy Cinnamon Rolls from Ezra Pound Cake

We’re a big breakfast family on the weekends.  I like getting up on Saturday mornings and making the full spread; bacon, eggs, toast, etc.  I’m looking forward to working these easy Cinnamon rolls into my rotation

Chocolate Croissants from Noble Pig

I love chocolate.  I love croissants. Chocolate croissants are the closest thing to food heaven I will ever attain. And the mere thought that I might be able to have these on demand at my own house is mind-boggling to me

Pumpkin Cookies from My Baking Addiction

I like to bring snacks to my students.  Some teachers might view that as bribery, others as patronizing.  I view it as just straight up logic.  If I feed them they are more likely to stay awake AND give me a good teacher eval.  You won’t believe how much positive feedback I’ve received from $30 worth of doughnuts.  Totally worth it.  I was thinking these cookies would be easy to double and bring to school.  If they go crazy for stale doughnuts, think about the response I’ll get with homemade cookies.

Pregnancy

Introductions

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Why do they only give you one pillow? My stomach is so large that laying down feels more like I’ve surrendered to gravity than true relaxation.  I can’t see the monitor because this flimsy excuse of a pillow couldn’t possibly prop up anything and I can’t tuck my arm under my neck because I forgot to shave under my arms this morning.  I lay here. The room is quiet and David and I make awkward conversation about the day, work, etc.  Neither one of us wants to admit it but we’ve been both worried about this day. I’m 18 weeks pregnant and this is our first visit to the high-risk ultra-sound specialist.  Today we find out if our child has any birth defects.

It is surprising how a miscarriage affects you.  Prior to my failed pregnancy I never worried about any of the “risks” that were ever presented to me by my ob-gyn.  But now, having experienced the disappointment and loss of a pregnancy, well it seems as if the possibility of something to go wrong is much greater and more acute.  David and I have not purchased a single new item for this baby. We have had only non-commital discussions about names.  There is this underlying feeling that if we plan we’ll lose this one too.

The doctor entered the room with purpose. He quickly cut the lights and sat down on the small stool in front of the monitor. Every action he took had the air of determination and experience, as if he had done this thousands of times and there was nothing even remotely high-risk or unusual about me.  Without ceremony he turned on the ultra-sound monitor and there was the baby.  No formal introductions or pre-cursors or fanfare. After two children and three pregnancies David and I no longer needed the guided tour, we instantly recognized the spine, fingers, toes, eyes, hands, nose, legs, arms and the quiet flutter of the heart. The doctor quickly moved around the womb snapping pictures and taking measurements.  He unceremoniously announced that there were ten fingers, ten toes, normal brain development, average size, and no anatomical birth defects.  Although it was early to say with absolute certainty that there was no Down’s Syndrome it appeared at this time that none of the usual markers were there.  And by the way, it is a girl.

A girl.

The whole appointment took less than twenty minutes and the doctor left as quickly as he had arrived.  And yet in that twenty minutes my life has been forever changed.  I’m having a baby. I’m having a little girl and she’s healthy. She has fingers and toes and she is growing like the miracle that she is.  This pregnancy, this late surprise, this child that we never planned but always hoped would happen has altered me in a way that the other pregnancies have not.  My time as a mother feels more temporary, fleeting and precious. This little girl – this angel that is growing inside of me – I hope she never leaves me.