Two weeks ago David and I went for our first ultra-sound. That first ultra-sound is always kind of weird since the baby looks more like a caterpillar than a baby. It’s hard to feel romantic about something that resembles an insect. However, you can usually see the heartbeat and that is an amazing thing. We were excited to meet the third Morley. I laid back and prepared myself to be medically violated by the ultra-sound “probe”. And then something happened we weren’t expecting.

Doctor: hmmm, I don’t see anything
Me: hahaha (nervous laughter) is it hiding?
Doctor: um, no I don’t think there is a baby in there
David: What?
Doctor: Well, either we’re too early or this is a miscarriage
Me: Serious?
Doctor: Yeah, but don’t worry yet, we could just be too early, come back in a week

I was optimistic. I had felt so bad for several weeks that I confidently told David that we had nothing to worry about. I HAVE to be pregnant. Nobody feels this bad and isn’t pregnant. David, being the more practical, was less optimistic but was happy that I gleefully ignored him. We went out of town. We had a good time. We only told a couple people of the initial set back. Nothing to worry about. No reason to get the whole world worked up over something that would end up being nothing.

We went back in on Tuesday. David joked that maybe it was twins and they both were so small that is why we couldn’t see them. I told him he was crazy and he wasn’t allowed to mention twins ever, ever again. I laid down. The probe was administered. The doctor declared; “Sorry, it’s a miscarriage”. I was dumbfounded. How could this be? I had morning sickness, I gained weight, I was miserable.

At this point I’ve been told all the platitudes. You know “It was meant to be”, “God will send you another”, “it is for the best”, “it is nature’s way”, blah, blah, blah. Not that those things aren’t nice, it is just that they don’t really fix the problem that even though I feel pregnant I am not. Friday I went for my D&C and now that all tissue is removed my life is supposed to return to normal. Hmm, yeah, let you know how that works out.

The silver lining in all of this, is my husband. David is the most awesome, supportive, amazing husband in the world. (sorry ladies, I really did get the last one). When I am my most scared and upset, David is their to shelter and protect. I’m sure he’s disappointed and I’m sure he’s upset, but at every step he has made me the priority in this situation and I could never thank him enough for doing that. The beauty is that he wouldn’t want me to thank him anyways.