I’ve spent almost my entire life wanting to talk about everything. I have no verbal filter and will frequently ask the most personal questions, or better yet, share the most personal information without thinking, except now. I suddenly don’t want to talk about the miscarriage, with anybody, (which makes you, faceless Internet, the perfect candidate).

There are times when I’m relieved that I’m not throwing up constantly, or gaining weight, or feeling so tired I want to cry. However, I also have moments when the thought that perhaps my chance for that third child is gone is heart breaking. I find myself constantly watching other mothers with three children or newborns and asking myself “do you wish that was you? are you glad that it isn’t?” Sometimes the answer I get is “whew, don’t want to go back to bottles, and throw up and sleepless nights” and other times I just ache. The emotions I feel are so awkwardly at odds with each other that it is just easier to not talk about it. When someone says “How are YOU doing?” it is just simpler to say “great” than “well, I’m not sure if I’m glad I’m not having a child or sad that I might never have another child”.

The other day Lucy asked me about the baby:

Lucy: Mommy, when is Halloween?
Me: Oh, several months from now
Lucy: before the baby comes right? because the baby is coming at Christmas
Me: No honey, I told you, God took the baby back to heaven. We don’t have a baby coming
Lucy: (incredulous) BUT I WANT A BABY! WHY ISN’T THE BABY COMING? YOU SAID IT WOULD COME AT CHRISTMAS TIME! YOU SAID IT!!!
Me: I know sweetheart, but God decided it wasn’t time for the baby to come to Earth yet
Lucy:WHEN WILL IT BE READY? WHEN WILL GOD SEND THE BABY BACK?
Me: I don’t know sweetheart, I just don’t know
Lucy: Hmm. (silence) I like Halloween Mommy.

And therein lies my peace. I like Halloween too and before that will be my birthday and there are several other things between now and when the baby would come to look forward to. I can’t make time hurry up. I wish I could. I wish I knew how to make heads or tails out of this situation but I can’t. I can tell myself a hundred times that I am okay but I’m not. But I do know that someday I will be – someday this will be clear to me — someday I’ll know the answers.