Dear Lucy,

I’m writing you this letter because at some point  you are going to turn to me and say in the bitter voice of a teenager; “I’m NOT responsible for Max”.  You’re not responsible for Max. I know this. I’ve always known this.  However, I want you to understand what seven year old Lucy is like and why you might feel that way in the future.

You have always taken it upon yourself to take care of and watch after your brother.  We’ve NEVER asked you to do this, you have always just done it.  You have willingly given up toys, time, food, and favorite things to keep him happy. You share your bed, your treats, your candy, and your time with mommy and daddy  without prompting. YOU have chosen to be responsible for your brother. YOU have chosen to correct his wrong behavior, run to his side when he needs help, pour him his milk, help him get dressed and teach him his alphabet.

Your need to care and protect Max hit a fever pitch after he was admitted to the hospital at age 3 due to rotavirus.  He went to the doctor and didn’t come back – and neither did Mommy – for three days.  Although we have explained to you many, many times that his illness was not serious and that it is unlikely that would happen again you still seem rather concerned for your brother’s overall health, safety and well being.

I want you to know now – right now – that you are free to let go of that responsibility whenever you choose.  You are NOT responsible for your brother’s happiness and/or well being.  He is his own individual person and is fully capable of achieving his own happiness without you constantly reminding him of his failures to obey the rules or how he should be more safe.  He does not need you telling him that fairy tales aren’t real, that sharks don’t live in his bedroom carpet or that he shouldn’t drink his milk too fast.

You cannot keep him safe. It is not your job. Love him. Be his friend, but leave the mothering and worrying to me.  I release you.