You wake up one morning and it feels like somebody has rearranged your bedroom while you slept. Something is different but you aren’t quite sure what has been moved. You feel different. A good different. Suddenly getting out of bed seems possible. That pile of dishes in the sink? Not really that big of a deal. And you realize, for the first time, the clouds are parting. The anti-depressant medication is working. You can breathe again and I do. I breathe deep and long. I tentatively step back into my life like a skittish cat escaping from a box. The depression this time around has been dark, very, very dark. The hopelessness and sadness smothered me and I wasn’t sure I would find my way out, but I am making my way.
It has been hard enough dealing with the sadness but David and I have had so much more on our plate. The new house, the new baby, work problems, and all that stress has stretched our marriage as far as it can go. At some point when so much is piled on, you can’t help but eventually turn on each other. At times it has felt like David and I have been hanging off a cliff and the only thing preventing us from falling off is that God and family have a firm hold of our heels.
We’re not out of the woods – not yet. We haven’t quite made it over the top of the mountain but we can see the top. In the meantime our family has run ahead of us and reached a hand down to help us along. That is what family does. I find myself repeating again, again from Lucy’s ABC Bible Verses “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding” – Proverbs 3:5 I don’t know why so much change and turmoil has come upon us at the same time but it has. What I do know is that all this conflict has forced David and I to take a hard look at our life and path. Sometimes in order for you to make a dramatic change in your life you need dramatic conflict. I will not and cannot lean on my own understanding and so faith is all I have left.