Ever have those times in your life when everything feels like it has been put on fast-forward? Oh sure, kids sort of make you feel like that all the time, but there are times, special times, when it feels even faster than that? Well, that is where I am. Every morning I feel like my life has taken a hit of crack cocaine and forgot to share the goods with my body. My life is moving faster and yet my body and mind have slowed down to a pace that resembles the mental capacity of a retarded puppy. I know all you moms out there who have been juggling multiple kids in school for a long time now will feel no sympathy for me, but DAMN it is hard and why the hell did nobody tell me?
Three days a week my day resembles this:
5:45: wake up as quietly as humanly possible so I can shower and dress without interruption. This works 50% of the time
6:45: wake Lucy up (if not already awake). Cartoons, chocolate milk and the morning soothing of Max who routinely wakes up crying for no apparent reason
7:00: Lucy gets dressed and we pack to leave for school (both her and I must prep for school. I rarely get breakfast since I take my Thyroid meds at 6:00 and we’re out the door by 7:15 – no time for breakfast)
7:15: leave for school
7:30: drop Lucy off at school
8:00 – 2:30: I teach, grade papers, prep for class, meet with students, etc, etc. If I’m lucky I get to eat lunch. Lunch happens about 50% of the time
2:45: I pick up Lucy from school
3:15: I pick up Max from school
4:00: back home and if I’m lucky I get a 20 minute cat nap.
5:00: dinner and pre-dinner snacking mixed with homework, cleaning out lunch boxes, etc.
7:00: PJ’s, bedtime movie. etc
8:30: kids are in bed
9:00: pack lunches for tomorrow, lay out uniforms, pack backpack and prep for school for the next day
9:30: dishes, and clean up from dinner
10:00: 1 hour of TV for mommy (this is a luxury, in reality I should be grading papers, but I’m mentally dead by this point)
11:00: bedtime, which usually looks like me falling asleep on the couch and David waking me up to remind me that I own a bed and I may want to use it.
On the days I don’t teach it looks slower but I’m so desperate to get caught up from the days that I do teach that most of the time I spend the day overwhelmed and paralyzed with the tasks ahead of me. My ability to manage even the most simplest of tasks is absent.
I don’t know if it is my age with this pregnancy or just that every pregnancy is different but this time around, well, my mental capacity is gone. I’m experiencing huge mood swings, and an inability to focus my thinking or concentrate. I cry, laugh, get angry, have little patience and frequently feel overwhelmed by something as simple as the dishes. As soon as I feel the slightest bit caught up I have a day when I land in bed and I slide right back to where I was. I know I probably should have been reaching out to my blogging network for support, but somehow that has felt like a luxury that I haven’t been able to afford.
On the positive side I have a husband who has no problem making himself a sandwich or a plate of eggs for dinner. David has tried to be understanding of the emotional wreck of a wife that has somehow showed up for this pregnancy. There are days when he looks at me like I’m an alien but has done his best to not say anything. There are days when he seems as confused as I do. There are days when we both just collapse into a heap of emotion and just cling to the nine years of history we have built with each other knowing that it will float us through.
Physically I feel fine. I have chronic indigestion and a cough that won’t go away but honestly, I have only gained about 7 pounds and feel great. It is the mental, hormonal, emotional impact that I’m not weathering nearly as well as I have during other pregnancies. Even this blog post seems to ramble with no real point. Please tell me this is normal and then hold me and tell me it will all be okay.